I'm in a weird place, TSN-wise. I know there are a lot of people who reblog those ;_; never getting over this movie posts, but that's not enough to keep a fandom alive, you need organised fandom activity for that. And, well, said activity has grown... not all that active, and kinda frustrating. A lot of frustrating, to be honest. I know this post will upset some people should they see it (and not upset on my behalf), but I'm upset, too, and fed up, and, if nothing else, it'll explain some things. Also, I think it'd do me good to properly get it off my chest, and doing so now will hopefully let me enjoy the upcoming TSNniversary. I don't want to be bitter about this.
I know there are always circumstances, everybody has reasons, and, no, those reasons aren't any of my business, no one has to explain themselves to me. But it is so, so aggravating and tiresome to work on this and try to accommodate people, and they don't even do me the courtesy of letting me or their partners know they are out. I know, sending an email like that can be anxiety-inducing (I've been there), but to be left hanging and waiting sucks from my end (and, if someone vanishes after artist claims, also from the end of their author/artist), and the sheer number of times this has happened is wearing me down and making it difficult to not see it as people just not bothering. It's a pattern that, to me, says that my work (and, believe me, it is work) is not appreciated and valued, my nerves are not, and, for those defaulting after artist claims, their partners' work and nerves aren't, either.
Yes, there are still some people here, who do participate and actually stick by their commitment, and they produce amazing fanworks (which tbh I all still need to read because I finally watched X-Men DoFP a few weeks back and have been reading X-Men fic ever since). Kudos to you, I love you guys! But I don't know whether there's a point in keeping things running, or if it's time to let TSN fandom die in peace.
I thought about doing a Secret Santa-like end-of-year gift exchange. Actually, I thought of this last year when it became obvious thesantanetwork was dead, but then that round of the BB had started late, ran even later, and I had laptop troubles and so didn't want to set something up that would be rushed, especially if I might not have the means to take care of it. Anyway, I toyed with the idea some more. You know, get an early start with October sign-ups, with posting from New Year's on, and a low 2k-word-/3-songs-and-a-cover-minimum. Give everybody plenty of time, and keep the bar low enough you can power through in one weekend even if you have had a hard time writing/creating lately. But, by the very nature of a gift exchange, for every drop-out there'd need to be a pitch-hit. Looking at the BB numbers, that wouldn't be doable, especially not with people not announcing their drop-out in a timely manner but simply not posting. Then again, that is if I would get a decent sign-up - if six people sign up and four drop out, the remaining two could just pitch-hit each other's gift, if at all compatible. Either way, I can't will people into doing things just by providing the framework of a setting, schedule, and an attempt at being approachable (look where that got me).
Ugh. I don't know. I want to do it, because a) gifts, and b) I know that, once organised activity ceases, a fandom really is going to die. But, at the same time, this BB hasn't been the best of experiences, again, and I'm not sure I should throw myself into a repeat right away. Selfcare, right?
...I don't think I should put this in the TSN tag. I'm not even sure I should post this at all. Some drop-outs feel bad enough as it is without me adding to it (of one I know this), and they might see and feel even worse, which is not my intention. But at the same time, as I said, I do want to get this off my chest, and just, well, declare myself, and if there's any place that is a platform for me, my problems, and my feelings, if I chose to share them, then that's my blog. I don't care if it's "just fandom", or a stupid First World problem, or there are more serious issues, this is something that is affecting me right now, and there's nothing "just" about fandom.
Actually, I'll tag this with the BB's LJ and Tumblr. That way, if next spring/summer I don't come back to this and anyone should be looking, they can find this.
