Yes I'm still alive (yay!...right?) I haven't been very active because of school and personal stuff but I will be tumbling again. Some news, there's a new part to the Alexa and Clarissa story in the making. It's gonna be a long one. I'd make a master post so you guys can find them but I have no idea how to do that (please send help) so you can find them in #my stories , on my blog. I'm also thinking about a name for the series, I kinda wanna keep it going for a while. Got any suggestions?
Now feels like the right time to start this blog… I’ve been out for 2 years now, and I’m 8 months in to a commited open relationship with a beautiful girl, B. I’ve just graduated, I’ve started working, and so many interesting, sad, painful and exciting things keep happening, particularly in terms of my experience of being a queer individual in this time, this place, and this society.
I read an article this morning, advertising an instagram to follow (@lgbt_history) and for the millionth time in the past few months I felt this urge to write. This time I am determined to make it happen. Our history is so scattered- I am so lucky to be part of a generation that, with the privilege of internet access, I am able to begin scraping together a potted mess of photos, facts and heartbreak from Tumblr, social media and websites. Others are not so lucky.
My history teacher, my first real-life gay crush (blog post coming soon!) taught me many important things about life. She spoke about politics, made the best lemon drizzle cake I have ever tasted, and, most importantly for a teacher, didn’t tell me what to think. She taught me HOW to think.
She said, as many history teachers have said before her:
History repeats itself repeats itself repeats itself.
When we forget it repeats itself again.
This is why I want to be an educator.
When we teach we ensure humans do not forget, so we don’t repeat our mistakes.
With queer history it feels like history has the shortest shuffle, the tiniest turn-over. Fresh pain is not fresh. It is remembered anew.
So, in that vein, I’m lighting the match. Because it isn’t sparking something new. It is merely re-illuminating the pre-existing. I don’t claim to have an amazing tale to tell. Just an ordinary queer who sees something important in themselves, something that might be worth a read someday. Hopefuly you will see something interesting unfold, and perhaps (frighteningly) see what happens inside this flame-coloured head of mine.
and I regret deleting my former account.
and yeah, there were too much old memories.
and those really were worth forgetting.
and now here I am again.
starting another chapter.
It's been more than 9 (NINE) months since my last post on this thing. 9 months ago, I was back home in Fort Myers. I had just finished my internship with the Disney Channel in LA, and was funemployed and vegetating in the great air-conditioned indoors of Southwest Florida, nostalgically rummaging through my closet for old mementos that have somehow survived all of our moves. One item that stood out was this tiny, weathered "travel" journal full of Titanic and Hey Arnold! doodles and various cryptic chicken-scratches from when I was in the 1st grade. Me, my mom, and my sister went to Bangladesh to attend my grandfather's funeral, and I had this journal among other things to keep me occupied. I was really obsessed with drawing the Titanic sinking, for some reason -- that imagery, as a spectacle divorced from its intrinsic horrors, fascinated me as a kid.
Anyways, as per usual, I'm digressing. I wanted to catch you up on my life -- these past 9 months, the Lost Episodes. I moved to New York in late September to start a part-time temp job at a film company my friend from college was working at. I met some cool people and made some lasting connections there. I even reconnected with an old friend, outside of work, too. It was great, because I was in New York for a REASON, and I had finally got some real film biz experience under my belt, because I had made the decision after graduating to kind of just totally shift my career gears back to the path I wanted to pursue before even entering college -- Film/TV/fuck-it-the-whole-damn-realm-of-moving-images-because-all-content-is-awesome. From that point on, the goal was to land myself on an assistant desk, at an agency or production company, because every anecdote ever told me it's the classic, all-important first step of most entertainment careers...
And with that singular, narrow focus, the job hunt began, and there were some close calls... but no cigar. It's a smaller world with less opportunities over here in NYC, unlike the vast wild west of LA, where assistant jobs grow on trees (as long as you know where those trees are, and how to water them). I kept applying, waiting, emailing, following up, LinkedIn-stalking, etc... I even strongly considered moving to LA, and always nervously felt on the verge of doing so, even I though I fucking hate LA. I don't care if that's where all the trees are, I'm gonna find a goddamn tree here (because a tree grows in Brooklyn, or whatever)! Because I <3 NY. I have family here. I know people. That's kind of a big deal for me...
But here's the simple truth: I'm just not trying hard enough. I've been acting like an entitled, easily-distracted, soft-skinned brat, about this whole process. I need to make a more dogged, conscious effort at making finding a job MY JOB -- that is some basic-ass career advice. I keep telling myself I'll do things... and then I don't. I give up. My energy fizzles out. I keep dwelling on the past, and fantasizing about the future, and other realities, and not focusing on the present, on my NEXT IMMEDIATE SHORT-TERM STEPS towards this vague-but-achievable goal of Happiness / A State That Is Better Than The Present, which are: 1) I need to get a job --> 2) I need to lock down a sublet so that I finally have a room and bed of my own. The basics, which should never be taken for granted. Baby steps, which can become aimless when you fixate too much on larger steps, or things that are beyond your control, or things that aren't even real.
I know. I was gonna fill you in on the past 9 months, and you were probably expecting juicy details, and trust me -- there's a lot of narrative embedded within there. But, I guess that's kind of antithetical to the whole message here, which is "WTF AM I DOING TUMBLING AND WATCHING THE WORLD CUP I NEED TO APPLY TO SHIT." Hah, okay, obviously life is all about balance. But I need to step it up. I need to set goals for myself, and actually fucking accomplish them. Here's what my Reminders app looks like right now (sort of; I excised some mundane stuff, which is saying a lot because this is already pretty mundane):
Run Roy Run!!! Every day. At least 30 min.
EAT (HEALTHY), you starving child
Brainstorm Polygon article ideas!
Continue CodeAcademy
Apply to EVERY POSITION in Jobs folder
Treat this Dogfish internship like IT'S YOUR JOB
Keep emailing people, and don't feel like you're bothering them
Repeat to yourself: "I Will Get A Job." Follow with Victory Pose / Screech
I'll speak to the 2nd item: I ran into one of the founders (and Editor-At-Large) of Polygon, my favorite gaming website, on a street near Union Sq the other day. I nerded out, and he gave me his email, and then I emailed him the other day, saying how crossing paths with him that night really brightened up my shitty day, and he responded with a nice message. And now we follow each other on Twitter. Friends forever! Dreams do come true!
Jkjk -- the dream is to get published on Polygon, silly, and maybe that serendipitous moment was a sign from the universe. Obviously, queuing up shit you need to do is not the same as doing it (I call this the Netflix Effect, because I'm literally always just adding movies and shows to my List without actually watching them -- speaking of, I need to jump on S02 of Orange is the New Black soon o_O), so time to wrap up this longwinded post, because I am always verbose as fuck. I feel good: about life, and myself. I'm grateful for so many things... And I'm saying all this because there was recently a period where I really, really didn't feel this way. There's a person, who may or may not read this, who played a part in that dark period (and was going through her own dark period at the time), but is now the main reason for this new lease on life. She inspires me. She makes me want to be better. I hate it when I fuck up, but I can't let the fuck-up's define me as a Fuck-Up. I care about her a lot. I'm rooting for both of us.
Like I said, there's a whole lot of narrative in these Lost Episodes that I haven't even scratched the surface of... but the basic gist of it: I met someone. At age 22, I finally made direct, unguarded contact with another person. And I'm better for it. Take that however you like.
Why did I bother to make another Tumblr account after I deleted my first one?
I want to start again on a clean slate. I made the first one on bad motives. Maybe they're the same motives as I'm making this one. But, I wanna try not to run away. I guess this just shows who I really am--fickle and weak. But I hope to showcase in this account the grace of God in my life. I will not run away and be ashamed. It's utterly impossible for me to live on my own after I had given myself to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This is facing it.
I cling on to this.
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power will rest on me. -2 Corinthians 12:9
so i am going to play with tumblr again for awhile. but, i needed to not have so much to look at so i unfollowed over 50 blogs. if i unfollowed you and i actually know you, that was a mistake and let me know so i can refollow you. just trying to have some casual and less time intensive tumblr time.
