#turtle wiggles

[hazbin-chef]

Hiya, Turtle! You don’t know me yet, but I’m Retro! I’m a big fan of what the Hazbin Hotel is doing, and I love seeing good people trying to make a difference in this place. I’d love to help out, but my husband (cough cough Vox cough cough) has very strong opinions about what I’m allowed to do in public. (Boooo.)

Buuuut—I had an idea!

I know you’re the chef over at the Hazbin, and I just know your food must be amazing. I love cooking too, and I thought it’d be so much fun to do a little cooking segment together as a guest on Vox 2 Nite! We could make something delicious, chat about the hotel, and show Hell that it’s a normal place with good people. Sometimes sinners need a little push to feel safe trying new things, and what better way than through food? (I mean, who doesn’t trust a good chef?)

What do you think? Would you be up for it? It’d be such an honor to have you on the show! I promise I’ll make sure Vox behaves. Probably. No guarantees.

—Retro! (Sea bunny, housewife, professional enabler of chaos) ( @hazbinfallinginaspiral )

Uh, that's real nice of you to offer, but I don't know if I'm, like, allowed to be anywhere near Vox's shows? Alastor is my boss. That would be a pretty deep betrayal, I'd think. If you want to come over an' hang out, make some food with me, an' take pictures of it or somethin', that'd be fine. I just don't think I'd be comfortable with bein' on one of Vox's shows.

[hazbin-chef]

Opinion on these little goobers?

Sea bunnies are tiny, fluffy-looking nudibranchs known for their rabbit-like appearance. Their “fur” is actually made of cilia, and their antennae/ear-like rhinophores help them detect chemicals in the water and mates. Despite their cute look, they absorb toxins from the sponges they eat, making them unappetizing to predators. These tiny creatures, usually 1-2 cm long, come in various colors like white, yellow, and orange!! Some are very colorful! I believe this kind is the most known, but regardless, it’s still adorable.

Oh, they're just absolutely precious! I love seein' pictures of these little guys. I would love to pet one, but I think I'd get sick or die from absorbing the toxins through my skin. My skin's especially semi-permeable, on account of being a worm thing. Thankfully, most soaps and stuff don't bother me. I guess I have a mild toxin tolerance? I dunno, and I don't exactly want to test it out for real.

Wait, shit. Now that I've said something, Peccantum ( @peccantumaskrp ) is probably gonna want to test it out.

Pray for me [backspace backspace backspace] Let's hope I don't get too sick lol

[hazbin-chef]

Do you have any good recipes that require fishing? I need an excuse to get out of the house and have the whole day to myself, alone, if possible. I love my spouse but today they’re pregaming and wathcing turf wars with their friends and I just canNOT stand to be around for that, way too overwhelming and loud, but I’d love to treat them all to something nice when I get home, you know?

Oh yeah! Let me get you my catfish recipe. Just be careful when you're fishin'. All the species of catfish down here have venomous barbs, and they hurt like, well, hell when they getcha.

Recipe: Fried Catfish

Big bowl: Two parts cornmeal, one part flour. Shake Old Bay over it two to three times (or to taste). Same with salt and pepper

Fill another bowl with buttermilk

Set half a pot of oil to heat

Cut up catfish (fillet or nugget). Dip the catfish in the buttermilk, then coat the catfish with dry ingredient mixture.

Fry catfish in hot oil until golden brown.

Side: Hushpuppies

One part cornmeal, one part flour. For this recipe, one cup each. Salt, pepper, Old Bay sprinkled over mixture two to three times.

Two eggs, beaten.

Heat up oil. Mix dry ingredients with eggs.

Take a tablespoon of the mixture and drop it in the oil. Fry until it floats.

[hazbin-chef]

Howdy! How’d you get to be the chef at the hotel?

Howdy howdy! I stumbled into meeting Webster, @hazbinradio 's transcriptionist. I told him my story, and he said he'd put in a good word for me. We've been best friends ever since. :D

[hazbin-chef]

A toddler stumbles into the kitchen, babbling and clapping their tiny hands together as they waddle closer. They look up at you with the biggest, cutest eyes, completely oblivious to the fact that they’ve just entered a high-risk zone of flying knives and boiling pots. “Cookin’!” they exclaim, reaching out as if they expect you to hand them a spatula so they can cook up five-star meal on the spot.

Oh dear! I didn't know there were kids down here! Uh, hold on, sweetie, why don't you help me make some bread?

[They take you to the corner of the room and provide you with a bowl of dough. They start kneading it]

Just squish the dough like this!

[hazbin-chef]

If you had to make a signature dish that represents you, what would it be? Is it something refined and masterful, or are we talking full chaos in a pan that somehow works? What’s the flavor profile of a world-class wärm chef?

Neither! It's a simple dish my momma taught me, and her momma taught her. Potato salad. Nothin' goes better with gumbo than potato salad!

[hazbin-chef]

What kind of cooking do you do? And where the fuck do you find ‘cheap ingredients’??? Everyone’s raising the prices these days, especially in the entertainment district!

Don’t judge me for buying my food there btw, it’s not all the time. Mostly snacks. But those snacks are PRICEY!!

I do all kinds of cookin'! If I can find a recipe, I'll give it a shot. It doesn't always turn out great, but that's what practice is for. My specialty is southern home cooking, though. I think commercially it's called comfort food? Lots of butter, lots of seasonin's, and a whole lotta love.

As for where I find cheap ingredients: anywhere and everywhere! The Pentagram doesn't just consist of the city. If you go out to the edge, towards the mountains, you can find all kinds of unholy horrors to turn into food. I'm actually thinkin' about giving advice on that kinda thing. Hope y'all enjoy it!

[hazbin-chef]

Opinion on these? Since they’re in your header and all lol

https://www.tumblr.com/ruler-of-turtle-kind/776206980273569792/cup-a-dert-little-worms-babey

Heckin' love gummy worms. When I was alive, I'd actually have to pretend that they (and any other gummy creatures) were going to live in my "stomach swamp," or else I'd feel bad for "killing" them.

Having to eat sinner flesh to survive kinda kills that part of you, though.