recently (some trauma swirly talk, so under a read more. some mentions of difficulty around being filmed & child loss things)
we were in supervision with my dear line manager (she and i worked together prior to her being manager; i actually was on the interview panel when she was hired and am so glad i had a few years working alongside her prior to her stepping up into this role. she is a gem).
anyway. sentence roll on, i'll start again.
had supervision. managed to stay present enough to admit that i would take leave if it wasn't for a specific project with a short timeline. my manager kindly said it actually wasn't that urgent that pushing it out a week would be fine if needed.
i cant remember what else she said. something about whether it would be best to see if it helps, rather than not seeing & perhaps winding up needing to take off months instead in hospital if things continue where they are.
so i'm taking next week off. i also, in a turn of fortunate events, have no other work (i sit on different committees and such for other organisations/faculties/blah blah blah) and no study next week.
i have the leave. in fact i don't even need to use my annual. i still have two weeks of that for later in the year. last year i used my annual to go on a holiday for the first time since working in a non-casual role (so, over five years). i had never noticed prior that you get paid more on annual leave than you would working, and that felt quite amusing while skulling back fresh oysters. previously all my annual was used to try and minimise the financial anguish of being hospitalised for months on end. so i would like to keep up the new tradition of using leave to have fun. this year i want to take my tent somewhere, whether it's for a multi day hike or simply just to plonk down. i was given the tent of my friend who passed near the end of last year. i would like to get it dirt stained for her. for me, too.
so we're taking wellness/sick leave.
i don't know if it will help. i am trying to remind myself that it feels unlikely it will actively hurt so it's best to see what happens.
i'm going to spend saturday with my heavily pregnant friend, do art together, perhaps go to the beach, and probably nap because i hear tiny human is making her more sleepy by the day. i cannot wait to see her with her first born. i am the cluckiest person. it's a running joke among friends that almost anything will make me emotional if it vaguely reminds me of a child. this particular friend is the first i told about wanting to seek out fertility care, even if i am never in a space that feels fair to have a child. which at times like these, feels heartbreakingly likely. it's hard to talk about sometimes with people who know my history. because they think perhaps i will see a child as a "replacement" baby. it becomes fuzzy. i don't want to replace anyone, and i certainly would never place that on a damn kid.
anyway.
a week off.
i see T today. i cant recall much of our phone call on Sunday. the bits i do remember she was so, so kind. which is not unusual. but i think it did soothe the "can you figure out your life admin before making appointments and then cancelling them multiple times in an hour" hurt.
overall i am scared and tired. sometimes apathetic. sometimes flooded with feelings that i do not understand or relate to. they bring much shame, and as much as i try to tell myself it likely comes from parts, and that they deserve to have their feelings witnessed and held in the body, the shame floods. and then the shame of not caring well enough for the parts floods too.
there's a great deal of amnesia. which is partly why i am stepping away from work for a week, because it's influencing that space, and meaning i am doing work at all hours trying to catch up, and check documents and projects edited by other parts to ensure they are consistent.
we also got filmed for work this week. the moment you put a camera in my face i freeze. let alone asking me to speak. but we did it. we haven't seen the recording but we know our voice was so high pitched and shaky. it's fine enough. honestly i am surprised we stayed present enough at all. it became rather inarticulate at some points. so i apologised for what will need to be edited. but it's done. it's a shame, as i have gotten more self assured with some aspects of work, but worj a camera there i sound like myself ten years ago. or even two years ago, honestly. but that's okay.
the camera though. sigh. it's a whole different set up and yet it just... reminds me too strongly of things that are not ideal to recall when you're trying to speak to a bi-national audience of people.
i think i actually started typing this wanting to talk about the felt sense of recent times & the emotionality of it all. but it seems i keep listing tasks instead. which shows where my mind keeps dragging itself back to in any moments of coherence. so that's okay.