Summary: Ray needs to be worth it. Why can't he just be worth it?
Warnings: ED TW, Self Harm TW, Self Hate TW
Notes: No smut, just depression.
It started with skipping a granola bar. He didn’t want it, granola bars never interested him. It ran deeper, he knew that. No one else did, none of his boyfriends did. His bosses didn’t. They didn’t need to know. They don’t need to know.
It wasn’t happening again. Not again. He didn’t want to go away again. It was scary. He wanted to stay with his boyfriends. He had to, if he didn’t-
“Ray?” A gruff voice asked, Jack.
“Yeah?” Ray replied, looking at his boyfriend.
“We gotta head out, do you want a granola bar or something?” Jack asked, his brown eyes looking over the lad.
“I’m good, I had jam on toast.” Ray replied, shrugging off the worry.
“Gavin has got to you.” Jack mumbled.
“Xray and Vav, Jack.”
“Shut up and get in the car.”
“I love it when you’re bossy.”
“Ray.”
“Got it.”
I’m fine.
I’m not hungry.
I promise.
He skipped lunch again, the fear getting to him. He was walking more, to work, from work, during lunch. The others didn’t seem to notice. Ray was happy, he could tell he was going to be worth it one day.
He would not put on a single pound. No, he got too good at this as a teenager. He would be worth it. As long as the pounds and calories stayed away.
He couldn’t eat.
He can’t eat.
“You’re so skinny, Ray.”
They were out for dinner that night. Ray knew he had to eat. He stayed as calm as he could while eating, excusing himself to use the bathroom twice. Sticking his fingers down his throat he gagged and vomited in the toilet.
“Is Ray okay?” Gavin asked.
“He’s fine, Gav.” Michael shrugged, eating his lasagna.
“But he’s gone to the toilet twice.” Gavin insiste.
“Maybe he’s sick?” Ryan suggested.
The others nodded in agreement. Ray would be fine.
“What happened to you? Why are you wasting away?”
I need to be worth it.
Ray was feeling faint, he knew he should eat, but fuck, the mere thought of food made him gag.
“Dinner!” Geoff called through the house. No, not now, not now.
He started panicking, he was supposed to be walking, why wasn’t he walking? Stairs, he just needed-
“You coming?” Ryan’s voice asked.
“I’m not hungry, thinking about going on a walk instead.” Ray said, turning to face his boyfriend. Bad move, dizzy.
“You need to eat. Did you even eat lunch?” Ryan questioned.
“Yeah, I got Jersey Mikes.” Ray answered.
“We didn’t see you there.” Ryan said, stepping forward. “Ray, what’s going?”
“Nothing, I’m fine.” Ray insisted. Ryan looked him over, shrugged, and went downstairs. Ryan really needed to talk to Geoff.
You’ll never be worth it
Ray knew he couldn’t go to work today, he was far too weak to move, he was dizzy and cold. Grumbling he reached for his glasses and put them on, looking at the time. 10:43. He sighed and reached for his phone, calling Geoff.
“Stop moving asshole.” a voice said as a phone started ringing. Why was Geoff’s phone here?
Two arms pulled him close. “I’m here, Ray” It was Geoff, the voice was Geoff.
“Sick.” was all Ray said. He probably had a cold.
“You are, Ray. Why wouldn’t you tell us?” Geoff asked.
“I’m not sick.”
“Ray…” Geoff sighed out.
“I’m fine, Geoff.” Ray repeated.
“You don’t eat.” It was blunt. It hurt to hear.
“I eat.” Ray mumbled.
“What do you eat?” Geoff asked. Ray paused, did he eat? He knew he drank lots of sports drinks.
“What do you eat, Ray?” Geoff questioned harder.
“I don’t.” It came out before he could stop it.
“Why?”
“I need to be worth it.” Ray said.
“You are worth it, Ray. You always have been.” Geoff said softly, holding the younger man closely. But all Ray’s mind could think of was “Need to leave now”.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking the fat out.”
Ray ate some oatmeal, and after being closely monitored for two hours, was finally allowed to shower. He quickly turned the water on and got in. Waiting until he was thoroughly soaked before started scratching his thigh.
Ray was fine.
He just needed to be worth it.
Walk, just walk.
I can’t.
He was stripped that night, they counted all his bones and set him on a scale, but had him face away from the numbers. They needed to show Ray he was worth it. That he will always be worth it.
The scars didn’t matter. They just wanted their happy boyfriend back. They needed him.
They pulled him into bed that night and just told him all the ways he was perfect.
