Dusk was falling over Alexandria, lulling it slowly but surely into its mellow, dusty blue light. The sun had entirely sunken behind the treeline by now, leaving the air stripped off its warmth and brisk as it flowed into the small woodhouse by the walls.
Negan had driven his last nail into the planks of the damaged house merely a half hour ago, frowning and unusually quiet since the moment Maggie and her son had walked into Alexandria. He’d barely said a thing since then and neither had you, too tense and shocked even though both of you had known that this moment would come one day or another.
With a deep sigh, you moved in to start and collect the medical utensils you’d just used on your last patient, hoping that preparing dinner back at your house would allow Negan to distract himself a little.
The loud squeaking of the wooden floor planks made you flinch up slightly and shoot your glance towards the open door in a split second as a figure shielded the last light from falling inside.
“Hey”, Daryl grumbled as he glimpsed at you and raised his hands slightly in response to your reaction,”Just me.”
“Oh hi”, you said, straightening yourself up from your crouched position over the table,”Sorry, I was just surprised. Thought I was the only one left here.”
Daryl nodded slightly, his eyes wandering over the table with the last meds that you had to pack back up again before he looked back up.
“There’s still someone at the infirmary?”, he asked, shaking his head slightly as you started to look him over, intuitively searching for any injuries or wounds on him that needed need treatment,“Not for me, for the newbies.”
Maggie’s group. For a moment, you were a little startled before you caught yourself again and started to nod as you moved in to lay a bunch of bandages back inside the bag.
“Yeah, Steve usually takes that shift so he should still be there for some time”, you said, gulping slightly as you tried to act as casual as you could, though this whole situation made you nothing but tense, “It’s only him though. Is a lot of care needed?”
“Nah, they’re mostly fine...Maggie just settled ‘em down in one of the houses”, he mumbled with a slight shake of his head, before it got quiet for a moment and the question you’d felt pressing you from within finally slipped out of your lips.
“Who exactly are they by the way?”, you asked, glimpsing at Daryl who visibly seemed to tense up,”I’m just curious.”
Shifting from foot to foot Daryl looked away from you, his glance bouncing around the room before he cleared his throat slightly.
“Her people. Ran into their community years back and lived there till some psychos destroyed it...Came back here to get a new safe place”, he grumbled as his eyes finally landed back on you and he rubbed his hand tensely over his arm, “One of ‘em followed them back here, killed a couple when we were outside until we could get him...that’s why we’ve been out there for longer, made sure that all of ‘me are gone.”
You only nodded as you listened to the story, trying by all means to not show how tense you actually were. What had happened out there must have been horrible, and you had never been against taking people into Alexandria, but there was something about this all that rubbed you the wrong way.
Maggie was only back because her old community got attacked and they needed a new place. She left for years and was only back because of these events and directly rolled into the place as if she owned it, as if bringing a bunch of new people didn’t need to at least be talked about with the council, just to clear things up.
Maybe you were being oversensitive when it came to her, maybe not, but the thought that she might try to hurt Negan’s position within this community after leaving for years and only coming back because her new place failed to persevere brought a whole new wave of suspense and a sense of anger over you.
“You’re done for the day?”, Daryl asked after you’d become quiet for a moment, visibly sunken into your thoughts.
“Yeah I’m just finishing that up and then I’ll get back home”, you said, nodding towards the bag and brushing the tense feelings and thoughts out of the way for a moment as Daryl tilted his head and brought them right back with merely two words.
“Negan’s there?”
The encounter with Daryl left you with even more tense than you already had been since the moment Maggie had walked back into Alexandria, so much that you hurried to get out of the house and walk back home as soon as Daryl was gone.
The cool evening air barely helped cooling yourself down as well as the worries that kept on pressing in on you, trying to creep back into your head and turn everything upside down. A thick sigh left your lips as you moved from the grassy underground that surrounded the houses by the wall onto the blacktop of the street and passed by the last few workers who were out here, doing their job. A few of them carried wood towards the other side of Alexandria where the walkers had left a smaller hole in the wall that still needed to be fixed and a few others carried shovels and a small wheelbarrow that was filled with some unearthed wildflowers towards the graveyard that had been damaged by the walking dead as well. A tight breath left your lips as you walked past it, watching the workers move into the back where most graves still needed to be fixed with new or fixed crosses and flowers, and yet it wasn’t any of those graves that made you halt, but one in the front.
It was the freshest grave, the cross already fixed and with new flowers already planted by its side and even from your spot on the street you were able to read the name of your friend that was carved into the light wood.
You missed him. You barely had time to grieve and process what Dante had done to him, nor had you been able to realize that he was gone.
During the last days, you’d often found yourself turning around in the infirmary, wanting to ask him something only to realize that you would never have the chance to do so again. Things at the infirmary were working fine, but it wasn’t the same, especially because you hadn’t just lost a colleague but a friend, one of the only people who’d never judged or distrusted you because of your relationship to Negan. Someone who you’d been able to talk about to about random things, whether it was about the infirmary and medicine, stuff that was going on in Alexandria or anything that just seemed interesting at the moment.
Now, whenever you seemed to talk to someone it lead back to your relationship, to you having to defend it as well as Negan’s new found freedom, just like with Daryl just now. You were tired of it, of these discussions that were always the same and of the helplessness to not be able to decide what was happening in your life.
All you wanted was to live peacefully with Negan in that house and built something up with him.
You didn’t ask for more, just that.
A tight breath left your lips as you glimpsed at the grave again, trying to keep a lump from growing in your throat as your eyes caught the tiny teddy bear by the cross Rosita must have put there with Coco.
“Fuck”, you mumbled to yourself, trying to blink the first tears away that had shot into your eyes before you forced yourself to move further down the street, trying to keep your mind from traveling into darker places, places that would tell you that Siddiq’s grave and the graves of all these other people were only proof of how easy it was to still lose loved ones at any given moment. Of how easy it still was for you to lose Negan.
Though you only wanted to come home as fast as you could, you took the extra route around the lake in Alexandria’s midst, trying to let the walking and the colder growing air calm your head down and snap back to normal. Unsurprisingly, it only helped semi-well and you still felt tense when you walked up the porch of your home, only held together by the thought to enjoy any time you could get with Negan in here.
“I’m home”, you called out as soon as you shut the door with a small thud behind you and felt the scent of Negan’s dinner fill the air.
“Hey Baby”, you heard him call back as you found him standing by the stove, frying some vegetables in the pan along with the portion of boar that you’d gotten after a group went out to hunt yesterday.
“Smells good”, you said, letting your bag down to the floor before you moved in to wrap your arms around Negan from behind and peeked at the simmering meal.
“Sure hope it also tastes good”, he said, forcing up a smile that broke through the tension that still visibly laid over his face as he turned just enough to press a small kiss over your lips.
“I’m sure it will”, you mumbled back, nuzzling your nose into the fabric of his shirt while you could feel his tense body shifting slightly. A small groan left his lips as he flexed his back and shoulders a little, tensed up not only due to the Maggie’s reappearance but also the work he’d done all day.
“You wanna go take a bath together later on?”, you asked, peaking up at him as you loosened your embrace around him to stroke your hand softly over his strained shoulders, hoping that the bath could be yet another distraction for the both of you,”can do wonders.”
“Yeah”,you only heard Negan say with a nod, no cocky grin or wolfish remark as usual, and even though it was a ridiculously small detail, its absence only showed you more how fraught he truly was.
”I think the food is done.”
Oddly silent you moved over with him to the already set table and got some of the food onto both of your plates and started to eat, though neither of you seemed truly hungry after today’s events.
You tried to get something down, but the suspense that filled the room was so palpable that it closed up your throat and weighed so heavily down on you that you found yourself more poking into our food than actually eating it. It was the same for Negan, he was barely eating and what concerned you more, he wasn’t talking at all.
The suspense-filled silence seemed to take up everything and kept you locked into your spot, unsure of what do do or say while Negan only seemed to tense up more with every passing minute until his voice cut through the silence.
“That kid has no Dad ‘cause of me.”
Your glance shot up to him the moment he spoke it out, feeling your heart sinking as you watched him gulping thickly without looking up once, he only stared at the wood of the table as if it was the only thing keeping him from breaking. A trembling breath fell from your lips as you slowly moved in and grasped his hand, squeezing it softly as you tried to find the right words without making the situation harder than it already was.
“There’s a lot that lead up to that point, it wasn’t just you”, you mumbled, only to see Negan’s eyes shooting up to you while a thick huff left his lips.
“Well I was the one swinging the bat, wasn’t I?”
“You thought that we’d killed a whole outpost of people just to steal supplies.”
Your eyes were locked onto his as you spoke, and though you tried to keep your voice firm you were insecure and unsure of how to go on as well. You were aware of the shit Negan had done in the past, but he’d paid his price and suffered enough having to work through them in these years down in the cell and you didn’t want him to fall into these deep holes again, nor did you want to lose the view for the bigger picture. A lot of things had went down back then, and not only Negan had made mistakes.
”You did those things in that night because of it and you didn’t even know she was pregnant”, you added, giving his hand another soft squeeze, “Not saying it was right but we all did shitty things back then that lead to a whole lot of deaths and destruction.”
“Doesn’t change that I’m ultimately the one who made that kid fatherless.”
His voice was rasp but harsh as he shook his head and moved his hand out of your grasp, running it down his face as he let out another deep sigh.
“I don’t even fucking know how to feel about that myself”, he scoffed as he stared back down at the table,”But I sure as shit know that me delivering the hits in the end is all that counts to them”,
“It shouldn’t...we’ve all taken the life of someone who was a loved one to someone else”, you mumbled after a moment of silence, starting to poke back into your food as if it would help you handle this while your voice became more tense,“Don’t wanna know how many kids ended up without a parent because of the things we did at that outpost or anywhere else.”
“Well, thats not how anybody out there’s gonna see it.”
“Yeah then it would be time to hold up a mirror for them”, you said, feeling the restlessness and anger Daryl had whirled up back at the woodhouse creep back up, “You know what Rick would’ve done with a group if that outpost had been ours and it had been our people that had been slaughtered in their sleep?”
A heavy but trembling breath rumbled through your chest as you looked over at Negan, growing more agitated as you thickly gulped.
“He surely wouldn’t have just killed two. Gracie’s only here and grows up to be Aaron’s daughter because Rick killed her birth father. Her mother was likely killed too when they attacked that other outpost during the war. It’s funny how no one ever talks about that”, the words just flowed out of your lips, fueled by the pent up desperation and even fear that had simmered within you, “So if anyone tries to make you look like a monster or whatever I won’t shy away anymore to repeat these things for them...Everybody has done horrible shit. You, Rick, everybody’s who’s inside these walls including me.”
Negan didn’t even look up at you, he just kept staring at the table as you placed your fork next to the plate, almost letting it fall with a clatter against the ceramic as you felt the hunger leaving your body once for all, replaced by an upset feeling that was spreading through you and let you heat up.
“I won’t just let Maggie or whoever else try to make them turn on you again after you’ve earned more trust”, you said, audibly stressed,”The trust that you deserve after ripping your ass off for them.”
A thick sigh left your lips as you stared at Negan, just hoping he’d look up at you while the ugly mix of helplessness, fear and anger crawled further up your body and made pinch the bridge of your nose for a moment as you felt them taking you over.
“I’m just sick of these fucking new things that always pop up when things seem to get better”, it left your lips more broken, trembling and yet angrier than before as Negan’s glance finally shot up to meet yours, though the icy stare within them was the opposite of what you had wished for.
“Well then maybe you should reconsider being with me”, he scoffed, hitting you with shock and confusion as you furrowed your brows at him.
“What kind of comment is that?”
“’Cause this is how it’s always going to be”, he snapped, the pent up tension step for step breaking out if him as you still stared wide eyes at him,”We’ll never find our goddamn peace and all these people are always gonna hate me and the fact that we’re together.”
“Not everybody hates you”,you quickly retorted, for now trying to push that shitty remark away from you and onto the fact that he was scared too,”There are people who’ve grown to trust you more and my colleagues at the infirmary are all good with you being out and working, and I’ll do my best to keep it this way.”
“Well but those who are in higher positions do”, he let out, a bitter chuckle falling from his lips as he shook his head before his cold stare landed back onto you while his voice grew louder ,”Aaron was ready to execute my ass and he’d still do it just given the chance. Same fucking shit with Nora and Kyle. Those who spoke up against hanging me were Siddiq and Laura and they’re fucking dead now too. Maggie’s ready to slaughter my ass and your brother would be just fine with it as well. Things wont’t stay the same as they were during the last fucking days and it sure as shit won’t get better now.”
Staring at him you let out another tight breath, still holding onto your last piece of hope despite your own fears as you gulped thickly and shook your head softly.
“We can’t say that for sure. Gabriel’s more on our side. Maggie isn’t a member of the council and Daryl is already being more accepting of you than he was before-“
“Goddamnit (Y/N)”, Negan’s booming voice suddenly cut you off, loud enough to make you flinch and stare wide-eyed at him as he rose up from his chair and glared down at you,”Don’t you get it?!”
Your heart started to pump harshly against your chest as his loud voice sounded through the room, and you could feel yourself becoming overwhelmed with the situation while you watched the anger in him skyrocketing.
“What we had these last few damn days wasn’t real, we lived in that small fucking time bubble of delusion and we both knew it would burst as soon as Maggie’d walk through these fucking gates”, he was yelling by now, his voice so heavy it made his chest shake while you were starting to tremble and felt tears shooting into your eyes as you stared up at him, still too shocked and startled to say anything while his yelling voice hit you again,”This was us pretending. We’ll never have that kind of life.”
Tears were blurring your view now as you meet his glance, pumped up with fright, anger and desperation as you let out an upset sound.
“I’m just trying to not give up”, you scoffed, though your voice was breaking as you stood up from your spot and pushed the chair angrily against the table as you glared at your husband ,”And don’t you fucking yell at me.”
The first tears were rolling down your face as you turned away from him and and stumped towards the kitchen door, trembling breaths leaving your lips as you brushed them off your cheeks, “Screw this.”
You were shaking as you rushed up the stairs, your face crunched up in pain and covered with tears that were running down your skin as you could still hear his voice booming through your head.
Negan never yelled at you. The last time you could remember him coming close to it was shortly after he got locked up, when helplessness and jealousy were eating him up. It had never happened again, not for all these years and the fact that it had happened now rattled you.
He knew how much you hated being yelled at, he knew how much your past had sensitized you for it and you didn’t know how to handle Negan’s nor your your own emotions right now.
You were both strained, both scared and it was your only explanation for his lash out. He could get loud, you’d seen it at the Sanctuary when he shut down Simon but he never lost control of himself during these moments. Not like now. When he yelled, he stayed under control and got back to business right after, so his lash out now, especially despite knowing how much you despised it was only proof of how scared and upset he truly was.
This realization didn’t help though that the loudness of his voice and the cruelty of his words were pushing in on you as you let the door of your room fall with a loud thud into its lock and felt your emotions overwhelm you.
Heated up and trembling more and more tears started to shoot back into your eyes and rolled down your face as you rounded the bed and plopped down onto your side, feeling the mattress giving slightly in below you as sniffles left your lips.
You were scared, you were so unbelievably scared.
Scared of losing everything you’d worked for with Negan, scared of not ever finding your peace and worst of all, scared of losing Negan to a vengeful Maggie who was out for blood.
If anything, walking past the graveyard had made this ugly feeling of fright only grow and you could feel the things you’d tried to shut out for the last days rolling over you.
Being scared of losing Negan after he saved Lydia.
Living with the fear of not knowing if he was okay or even alive during the time he was gone.
Being nearly poisoned with Dante’s water.
Losing Siddiq.
Constantly having to persuade others, especially Daryl, that Negan was up to good out there and wasn’t a threat, even during your time at the Hilltop.
Finally getting Negan back and being glad to have him in safety and freedom only to have it threatened again with Maggie’s sudden reappearance merely two days later.
You were exhausted. This all had happened in such a small time span and you were unable to process it properly, nor the fear that you were feeling right now.
You were full on sobbing at this point, shaking and crouched over, with your elbows pressing into your thighs and your head buried into your hands that were practically soaked in your tears
You couldn’t have her try to hurt or even kill him now only because he wasn’t in the cell anymore and stuck on the verge of taking his own life. You couldn’t keep on feeling so scared and worried all the time.
You just wanted to find your peace.
Slowly, you felt your body growing too exhausted to keep the sobs coming and instead, sniffles and small whimpers were only falling from your lips as you found yourself staring down at your wet hands, fumbling on them in a desperate try to distract yourself from your cruel thoughts.
You weren’t even sure how much time exactly had passed since you’d stormed up here, your only indicator of time was the darkness that had by now taken up the firmament and the lamp on the nightstand you’d been forced to turn on, whose faint light was now falling onto you, your hands and the small diamonds of your wedding ring that glimmered in the light.
You silenced yourself as well as you could for a moment to hear the rustling that was coming up from the kitchen and living room. Negan had been quiet for a whole long time down there and now you could hear him clearly moving around. A shivering breath left your lips, unsure of what you should expect to happen before you started to hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs, slow but steady as they started to get closer to your room.
Gulping thickly you finally heard the creaking of the door as it slowly opened, while you still sat there with your back turned to him as he moved inside and softly shut the door behind him.
For just another moment it stayed silent, only the slight squeaking of the floorboards below Negan’s weight was audible before you heard him speak up.
”I’m sorry”, he said, his voice heavy with guilt, so much you could hear a tremble through it,”I didn’t mean to lash out like that...I don’t know what’s going on with me, I-”
He broke off, a shivering sigh filling his lips as you could hear him making a few, slow and careful steps towards the bed before he stopped again.
”You were just trying and I went full asshole...I-...I shouldn’t have yelled at you. That was a fucking dick move...I’m sorry, I really am.”
You didn’t look up yet, you were still fumbling on your hands, though you could tell that he meant it, you just didn’t know how to behave either.
“I get it if you don’t wanna talk or want me to fuck off”, he breathed out, his voice still slightly trembling as he let out another sigh,”I do, I-”
With the shaking of your head he halted quickly, growing silent again as you let out a small sigh. You didn’t want to fight with him. That really was the very last thing. You just wanted to talk it out and get all the shit you both had off your chests. In the end, you knew this all had only happened because you were both scared to death and while you knew that this wouldn’t just vanish you couldn’t have this fear hurt your relationship.
Slowly, you watched Negan round the bed from the corner of your eye, halting shortly before he got to you and gestured towards the spot next to you.
”Can I?”
A nod of yours was enough to make Negan sit down beside you, a thick sigh falling from his lips as you could feel his glance swaying over you. The lump in your throat was quick to grow bigger again as you bit your lip and felt tears starting to fill your eyes as you finally glimpsed up at him.
“I just want this fucking nightmare to end”, you said, your voice shivering and weak as your glance met his eyes that were bleary and slightly reddened as well ,”once one thing is done the next shit’s waiting for us. I hate this and I fucking hate having to have this goddamn discussion over and over again.”
A heavy sigh fell from your lips as you brushed the dampness off your cheeks, sadly sure that you’d soon feel new tears running over them while your voice started to break as soon as you spoke back up again, “I don’t want Maggie to whirl everything back up and mess things up for us.”
With knitted brows and sad eyes Negan glimpsed at you, pressing his lips onto one another before a stressed sound fell from his mouth.
“I don’t know about the latter one but I’m sure she’s gonna whirl things up again”, he sighed, stroking over his beard while a thick gulp travelled down his throat,”Wish I could say otherwise.”
You softly nodded as you could feel the tears in your eyes welling over, just in the very moment Negan reached up to stroke over your back, gently while you could tell that he was trying to hold his tears back.
“But she can’t just walk in here and play boss..she’s been through a lot and that’s horrible but as soon as she’s back everybody acts as if she’s the center of the universe. Her pain isn’t more important than the one of others”, you let out, sniffling as you could feel yourself falling back into that hole of fear and panic that made you rattled and got you to all worked up again.
“Carol has gone through losing a child far more than once, Michonne lost Carl and Rick, and Judith and to grow up without them”, you said, hot tears streaming down your face as it crunched up in pain and your voice grew shakier with every breath,”I’ve seen my damn family being ripped apart all at once, and you had to watch when that goddamn cancer killed Lucille.”
You could see Negan nodding, could see a single tear rolling down your face as you sniffled and breathed sharply in, trying to keep your voice up even though the lump in your throat kept on growing.
“Nobody’s expecting her to forgive or forget but she doesn’t get to make decisions about you, not after she just fucked off for six years and just came back cause that other community got screwed over”, you said, trying to keep talking in between the shaky breaths that shook through you before your fear took hold of you once for all and you could feel it breaking out of you as the stinging pain made itself a home inside your head.
“I’m trying to see things positive but I...I’m scared”, you breathed out, your face twisting in pain as you felt yourself choking up,”I’m so so fucking scared.”
You gasped for air as you could feel the thick lump in your throat keep on pressing in on you, felt the skin under your eyes becoming sore from the tears while Negan moved in, stopping his movements over your back to wrap his arm around your waist and pull you closer.
“I’m scared that she’ll try to make them turn on you again and hurt you, I’m scared that I she’ll try to kill-”,your voice broke off, stopped by the sobs that started to shake through you again ,”I’m so scared of losing you, I-“
You broke completely off at that point, only able to cry now and let it all out instead of saying anything more. Negan moved in to hold your shaking body closer, grasp our legs to swing them over his lap and bring you into his embrace. You could feel him shaking too, could feel his heavy breaths and the harsh falling and rising of his chest as he cradled you against his body. You buried your head into the curve of his neck, just for once allowing all the pain and fear to flow out of your body with the sobs that erupted through you. You clung onto him as if you’d risk to lose him if you’d let go, sniffling and crying until your head was buzzing while Negan tightened his grasp on you and pressed a soft kiss against your temple.
“I won’t let it come that far”, he mumbled against your skin, his voice strained though he did his best to keep it up ,”I got no damn clue how our life’s gonna turn out but I’m a tough motherfucker, right? I won’t die. I even survived those skin freaks.”
He let out a shaky chuckle, audibly trying to keep his shit together for you within these moments though you deep down knew that he’d break down too. Your sobs grew quieter again and turned back into sniffles as you held onto him, desperately trying to believe his words before you slowly moved back, just enough to look at him and see the tears that were also burning in his eyes.
Sniffling, you moved your hands to cup his face, stroking your thumbs over his wetted cheeks and his stubble while his bleary eyes ran over you and his arms were still keeping you close.
A thick sigh left his lips as he lowered his glance for a moment, gulping thickly before he glimpsed back up at you and shrugged his shoulders.
“I don’t know how to feel”, he mumbled, tears still filling his eyes up to the rim.
“I feel so fucking odd...some guilt, I-”,he breathed, stopping as he shook his head and the first tears started to fall down his cheeks again,”I had so much time to think about the shit I did back then, how fucking wrong I saw things, I-...I know we’ve been through this when I hit rock bottom in that cell but...”
He pressed his lips onto one another before they fell open with another shivering sigh and his teary eyes fell back on you,”There are still moments when I ask myself how you were even able to fall in love with me back then.”
You could feel your heart breaking all over again as you looked at your husband, tearing up again as you stroked the tears softly off his cheeks and gulped thickly.
“I already saw the man in you that you are right now”, you mumbled, sniffling as Negan’s brows knitted again and it looked like something hit him just in this moment. New tears started to roll down his cheeks as a small whimper fell from his lips and you leaned closer, sure to have him look at you.
“You’re sweet, and you’re loving and protective and the world just screwed with you and made you believe that you couldn’t keep others alive without this shit”, you mumbled, brushing your thumbs again over his wetted cheeks,”But you did your best to get your head on straight.”
“I just, I know what it’s like to grow up without a Dad and I-”, he mumbled with trembling lips,”I don’t know what to fuckin’ think or feel or-”
“That’s okay”,you said as you could hear his voice break off,”You don’t need to put a finger on that.”
Negan slowly nodded, lowering his glance for a moment as he let out a shivering breath and wrapped his arms tighter around you.
“But there was no way for you to know”, you added, a feeling within you urging you to make sure that he knew that despite everything,”You didn’t deliberately kill a kid’s father. Fuck, you didn’t go for Rick that night because of Carl.”
Negan’s glance was still lowered as you gulped and shifted slightly.
“I know what happened was shit, I-”,you started, trying to just keep Negan from falling into that hole again that was threatening to eat him up ,”Regardless of what happened that night, you did everything in your power to show that you’re good at heart. You can’t make the past unhappen but you can change the present, and you have.”
A sniffling fell from Negan’s lips as he glimpsed back up at you, yet another tear falling down his face as you leaned in closer to him.
“You have”, you assured with another nod, leaning in to press a delicate kiss over his lips, allowing it to linger for a moment and let Negan melt against you before you backed just enough off to look at him and saw the doubt that was still filling his face.
“I’m not sure if it’s enough, or if it matters-”, he broke off, his face scrunching up again as you let go of his face and instead wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug.
Just like it had happened with you before, it was breaking out of Negan now and you could feel your emotions overwhelming you all over again as you heard your husband’s sobs that broke your heart and made that stinging pain shoot through you once more.
Holding onto each other you sat on the bed, just letting it all out. Just like the both of you actually needed to. During the past time it had nearly always been either one of you trying to be strong for the other as they broke down and now the both of you just held onto each other and allowed yourselves to feel your emotions hit you with all their force.
It hurt, it hurt like hell but deep down you both knew that you needed this to unburden you, to free yourselves at least from the pressure and pain that had been weighing down on you for too long.
It didn’t know how long you sat there like that on the bed, for you long you held on to each other until the sobs and whimpers got silent and you were just cuddled up against one another.
Breathing deeply through you felt Negan cradling you against his body, pressing another kiss against your temple, still remaining quiet for a moment before he spoke up, his voice still strained.
“Does that offer for a bath still stand?”, he asked, backing slightly away, just enough to look at you and move his hand up to wipe the last bit of remaining wetness of your cheeks,”I think we could use that.”
Slowly, you nodded, taking only another moment before you moved your legs off his lap and stood up, groaning slightly as you needed to feel your body adjusting to standing again after remaining in nothing else but an embryo position for the last while.
Negan moved up as well, stretching his long limbs before he grasped your hand and moved it up to place a kiss on its back, giving you another loving look before he lead you towards the bathroom.
Hot water quickly started to pelt into the bathtub and filled it up step by step, while Negan moved towards the cabinet by the sinks, to look for some bath oils or bombs before he looked up into the mirrors and let out a strained chuckle.
“Fuck we both look puffed up like a baboon’s ass”, he mumbled, looking from the mirror back at you as you let out a small laugh, seeing your mirror image that looked just like you expected. Your eyes were red and puffy, already a little less swollen than they must have been back at the bed but still more than enough to know how long the both of you had sat there and let your emotions take themselves out on you.
Negan let out a small groan as he crouched down to move through the stuff in the cabinet, pushing a couple bottles of shampoo to the side before he got a look at the bathing supplies and eventually pulled a bathbomb out that was a wild swirled mix of blue and purple.
“This one’s with lavender”, he said, getting back on his feet as he held it up for you,”Think we could use some of that calming shit, huh?”
You quickly nodded, very much agreeing with him on this. Your head was still buzzing, clearly exhausted by all the crying and you could need something as calming as the scent of lavender to soothe you a little.
Moving back towards you Negan plopped the little ball into the water, quickly seeing it go out in all of its color variety as it spread through the water that kept on streaming into the tub.
“Looks like unicorn puke”, Negan joked, nodding towards the lilac water and the bubbles the spread over its surface and got bigger and bigger with every passing moment.
“Yeah, it does...doesn’t smell like it tho”, you mumbled with a small chuckle back, slowly freeing yourself from the shroud of exhaustion the while in the bedroom had put on you. Things obviously still weren’t the way you both wanted them, but you felt a little less bottled up and tense, and most importantly less burdened after giving your emotions the valve they needed.
”And it has surprise bubbles. That’s nice”, you added, nodding towards the bubbles that had by now taking in all of the surface while Negan nodded with a crooked grin and started to peel the clothes off his body.
“C’mon let’s get outta that shit”, he grumbled as he pulled his shirt over his head and pushed his pants down his hips while you started to do the same, peeling yourself out of your clothes step by step until you could only feel the warm bathroom air covering your skin. Groaning, Negan crouched a little down and leaned over to shut the tap off and dip his hand into the bathwater, testing it before he looked with a small grin over his shoulder
“Don’t wanna burn my dick.”
“Yeah I can’t have that”, you teased back, bringing the grin on his face to widen a little and bring some warmth back into you after seeing him so devastated all evening long.
“It’s good though, we can get in”, he mumbled before he carefully stepped into the water and let out a satisfied groan as soon as he lowered his body into the tub and stretched his hand out for you to join him. Quickly, you took it, moving in and feeling the warmth of the water surrounding your feet before you lowered yourself to sink in between Negan’s legs.
“This is nice”, you mumbled as the warm water and its soothing scent started to surround you and Negan moved in to gently pull you against his wet chest. His arms wrapped around you as he nuzzled his nose into the curve of your neck and breathed deeply out, cradling you softly while it got quiet again and a silence set in. You didn’t break it, didn’t fall back with him into your usual goofiness that you’d have in these moments but instead, just closed your eyes and enjoyed his closeness, his warmth and the hot water.
That was all that you needed right now, a break of everything that was currently happening around you and a relief of the ordeal you’d both put yourselves through this evening, and for once, it felt like you were truly able to focus and think about nothing else but this bath and the man who was holding you in his arms.
You just remained like that with him, only feeling him scooping some water over your shoulders and arms from time to time or drawing small, lazy patterns over your skin with his fingers, though mostly, you just laid cuddled up to each other within the water’s warmth.
You enjoyed it, all of it, Negan’s touches, the soothing scent and the hotness of the water until it started to grow cold and you switched it for the warmth of the bed.
Held by Negan, with your back pressed against his chest and his arms wrapped around you you found yourself laying underneath the sheets, feeling him nuzzling his nose against your neck while your fingers softly and lightly brushed over his arm, just as he liked it. You were still soothing one another, still trying to reassure one another that you’d figure things out along the way, step by step no matter what the world would throw at you, just like you had always done.
With a sleepy sigh you felt Negan adjusting himself a little, pressing a delicate kiss against the side of your neck before he interrupted the caresses of your fingers and moved his arm up, just enough for his hand to gently grasp your face and make you look at him in the faint moon light that streamed into the room.
“We got each other, always”, he mumbled as his thumb softly stroked over your cheek and his drowsy eyes softened as he glanced down at you,”No matter what happens. No matter who tries to fuck with us...we got each other.”
