Carrying Throughout - Chapter 4.
A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I had the most horrific writers block, it most be not as good! :)
Ed could not stress this enough.
He did not have time for girlfriends; for relationships in general. He didn’t need a stranger’s comfort to make him feel loved. He didn’t need a girl to come into his life and absolutely wreck it with her ideas and morals. He didn’t need anyone other than the ones he already had.
He had too many hobbies; too much passion for them to try to start a relationship. He didn’t need one.
Ed’s life was already overwhelmed with his brother’s fame, helping compose some of his songs, trying to become immensely better at his guitar, his art, photography and last dancing. Ed was a man of many talents; dating wasn’t one.
Everything, he tried juggling it all before noticing that it wasn’t going to work out.
He eventually had to back off several of his passions, leaving them as occasional hobbies.
Art was however his calling; yearning in his blood to paint and his fingers itching for charcoal to mark a canvas with his ideas.
Many of his talents he had learned from when he had gotten into the wrong group of ‘friends’. Really, they were just druggies and stoners. They’re lifestyle was horrible, there’s no denying that, but the bleeding colors that expressed their daily lives was something that had attracted Ed.
When Haz first left for the X-factor and then got that gigantic break, Ed had what you could call a meltdown, a mini existential crisis when he was only the small age of 16. Seeing Harry accomplish everything he had hoped for and much more, made his blood boil with pride and envy. He had set out to the streets, quickly finding friends that others would cringe at the idea of associating with. Their clothes torn intentionally, and some of the girl’s faces caked with cheap makeup making their dull eyes bring back a new found life that contrasted the dark smudges around them. The other boys just walked with laziness and utter carelessness as they were sent dirty looks from several modeled citizens. Ed was sent looks of concern; he didn’t fit in the puzzle while the others were different yet all had an air of familiarity to each other.
The only thing Ed had been any good at was his drawings, keeping a handy sketch pad and taking it with him everywhere. Once he started hanging out with the careless teens, he stopped drawing, painting, sketching. Instead he observed. After a few months, he had moved out, rented a flat with several of his mates. He had tried his first smoke, his first hit of weed, his first drugs, his first nights truly away from home, his first time having alcohol, his first time having sex, his first time of blacking out and not remembering anything in the morning and only waking up with a throb in his head and a strange girl or boy by his side. He found himself fitting into the puzzle effortlessly now. He had gone from embarrassingly awkward to carelessly stupid.
His life had become an utter mess making him feel shameful every time he looked into the mirror, seeing his pale complexion and the redness surrounding his green orbs which suddenly seemed brighter.
His mother, poor Anne, of course had no idea this was going on. Ed had told her that he decided to move in with some of his old mates from the honors class at school, studying and maturity would surely come from that. How could he tell his own mother, who had raised him to become a better person than this; that his life insisted of not being able to think about his week because the actions of the previous day could eat away at him at night, keeping him from ever getting a proper sleep? No, he wanted her to know that she had not fail and if anybody had failed it had surely been Ed.
His sleepless nights didn’t go uncounted however, some of his roommates, the ones that slept all day and talked all night, had things to teach, things to offer the world.
One of them, the one with the short milky brown hair, had offered him dancing lessons. At first, he had been doubtful, knowing Harry obviously was not a good dancer and how much better could the other twin brother be? It came by surprise when after a few lessons his body relaxed moving to the rhythm, learning complicated moves and earning new found flexibility that he never knew his body could pull off.
Unfortunately, his body had to give in from exhaustion after days of practicing, which put an effective stop to his body-aching practices. One of his other roommates, the one with the pixie cut bright blue hair who wore glasses when she really didn’t need too, decided Ed needed something with less effort but the same amount of passion, photography. This one particular talent had been the easiest of all; he had a hunch for when it was the perfect time for a shot, capturing the moment. Ed learned quickly that he was easily bored, and forgot about photography for a while as one of the boys he had had a one night stand with offered to teach him guitar, obviously trying to get a redo performance with him. Ed accepted, and after several months of practicing until his fingers bled and then dancing till his muscles clenched at each movement, unpleasantly. After those months he got plenty good, enough that he could be considered quite professional at both; well as professional as someone with his current lifestyle could be.
Unfortunately, more drunken nights led to more self-destruction and soon after he found himself empty, as he called his sister confessing most things, leaving out embarrassing and unpleasant details.
She came over, shushing him and holding Ed in her arms as his tears soaked through the material of her shirt, leaving a wet spot on her shoulder. A week or two later of getting Ed out of the flat and forcing him to move to her boyfriend’s flat. Things quickly got out of hand as he started going through some minor withdrawal symptoms, crying and feeling empty, pain searing through his body. Gemma had given full effort into trying to help him, but honestly she couldn’t do it alone. Ed had heard her call with Harry, her voice frantic and hushed.
It hadn’t been a surprised when Harry had knocked at their door the very next morning as Ed watched telly, curling into himself. Harry had given Gemma a strong embrace before she pointed towards the living room. He walked in soaking in the pasty boy sitting on the couch, his eyes and hair dulled out, without life. Ed monotonously looked from the telly slowly to meet Harry’s identical yet greener and livelier orbs, they looked pained. He opened his mouth as if to say something and Ed braced himself for an insult, but all Harry did was sit next to him pulling him into a tight hug. His lips brushed Ed ear and he muttered a ‘What happened to you? Why?” he voice gut wrenching. Ed raised his hands, clutching at Harry’s shoulders and bringing himself in tighter; taking in the scent that could only belong to Harry before letting tears he had been holding in flood, his sobs wrenching as he struggled to breathe. Harry pulled him tighter, stroking Ed’s mistreated hair, “It’ll be alright; we’ll make alright, Eddy.” To that Ed’s sobs grew louder.
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It had taken them several tries to get Ed to genuinely talk about what had happened, telling them about the sense of worthlessness, envy and wonder. Harry’s eyes had softened to an almost unbearable stare that Ed tried to avoid as he had told him his feelings.
It was ridiculous, now that Ed thought about it, how they Harry and Gemma had taken turns hugging him and whispering sweet words until Ed had wanted to barf, because he hadn’t deserve to have been treated like at after all the lies and wrong choices.
It had taken a few months for Ed to get over the drugs, but he did it eventually. He had moved out with Harry, and left the bad memories behind, only thinking about them late at night.
Harry however got incredibly furious at him whenever he would light a cigarette, getting red in the face and Ed could see that the only thing Harry wanted was to rip the stick from Ed’s lip and stomp on it.
He remembered when he had first smoked in front of him, Harry had absolutely dropped his jaw and his eyebrows had scrunched, his eyes zeroing in on the cigarette and then glaring at it. Ed had looked at him before smiling sheepishly.
“You should be smokingn't, Eddy.” He had said still eyeing the tobacco stick.
Ed had a few seconds hesitation before stomping on it, “Sorry, I can’t help it sometimes.” Harry smiled only after it the cigarette had been put out, “I know, just…don’t let it take over.” Harry said softly.
Ed raised an eyebrow, “Oooh, poetic.” Harry playfully punched his shoulder, “shut it.”
“I won’t.” Ed had promised and he meant it.
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Louis had been furious, his eyes set to kill and his lips pursed in a thin line, as Ed walked in William right behind him.
“Where were you? I CALLED YOU ABOUT 15 TIMES!” Louis’ voice rose with each word.
William cringed, Ed sighs taking Will’s hand with his own, as Will’s eyes bulged.
“We got married!” Ed shouted in a sarcastic joy before letting go of Will and saying, “We were at my restaurant.” Ed pats Louis’ shoulder before walking up the stairs, “Your brother’s nice, proper person, unlike his comparison.” Louis scoffed, “I’m amazing.” Ed shrugged before chuckling and walking away.
“I am!” He says looking at Harry in hope, Harry shakes his head before hugging Louis tightly, “You are!”
Will sense of belonging felt kind of whacked out at the moment; he wasn’t anything like these people. Louis then giggles out of Harry’s embrace before pouncing on William, “You made it! I was so worried; you were out there, all by yourself with that monster!” Harry coughs as he looks unto Louis amused; Louis looks at him and smiles. William grunts trying to breathe from Louis’ crushing hug, “He’s not so bad, and at least he isn’t the one crushing my bones! Ow, Louis, stop!” He says the last part in hurry.
Louis steps away and gasps, clutching to Harry’s arm, “Edward has tainted the child, Harold!”
William rolls his eyes, “I’m going to…bed?” his statement coming out more as a question. Harry nods before putting out his hand, “Nice to see you again.” William extends his own arm and Harry pulls him in for a light hug instead before messing his hair. Will groaned trying to rearrange it to its original form, “you guys suck.” He says as he walks up the stairs to his room.
He steps through his door and looks at the wonderful colors of Ed’s painting, it was amazing.
He changed into some pajamas and then slipping into bed. He stayed that way for several minutes, before kicking off the blankets and grabbing his phone from the bed side table and browsing the internet.
Before he knew it, it was 2 am and he still couldn’t sleep, when he got a text.
Are you awake?
William looked at the text, Ed.
Yes.
He waited for the reply as he subconsciously bit into his lip.
The phone shook and Will unlocked it before staring at it;
You shouldn't be.
He scrunched his eyebrows before scoffing,
What do you want to do about it?
The reply came quickly,
Nothing, I’m too comfy in my bed. You should go to sleep though.
William chuckled before suddenly feeling more relaxed,
Okay, only if you say so, bye.
The reply didn’t come as fast this time and William drifted asleep soon after, and it wasn’t until the next morning when he opened his phone and shook his head, smiling as he saw words
Goodnight, don’t dream of me too much, haha. :) x