HOLY CRAP HAHA so I was checking out carrying throughout right? and so i read all four chapters and then i exited but then like 3 seconds later i screamed and went back to my history to check your blog because i realizwd you were using my theme omfg hahahah! and omfg carrying throughout is amazing btw gnesjknk xxx
omfg!! Your theme is awesome! :) hahah, thanks for all the compliments too! Nice job on the theme it's lovely. asdfghjkl;
A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I had the most horrific writers block, it most be not as good! :)
Ed could not stress this enough.
He did not have time for girlfriends; for relationships in general. He didn’t need a stranger’s comfort to make him feel loved. He didn’t need a girl to come into his life and absolutely wreck it with her ideas and morals. He didn’t need anyone other than the ones he already had.
A/N: Sorry for the long wait, I had the most horrific writers block, it most be not as good! :)
Ed could not stress this enough.
He did not have time for girlfriends; for relationships in general. He didn’t need a stranger’s comfort to make him feel loved. He didn’t need a girl to come into his life and absolutely wreck it with her ideas and morals. He didn’t need anyone other than the ones he already had.
He had too many hobbies; too much passion for them to try to start a relationship. He didn’t need one.
Ed’s life was already overwhelmed with his brother’s fame, helping compose some of his songs, trying to become immensely better at his guitar, his art, photography and last dancing. Ed was a man of many talents; dating wasn’t one.
Everything, he tried juggling it all before noticing that it wasn’t going to work out.
He eventually had to back off several of his passions, leaving them as occasional hobbies.
Art was however his calling; yearning in his blood to paint and his fingers itching for charcoal to mark a canvas with his ideas.
Many of his talents he had learned from when he had gotten into the wrong group of ‘friends’. Really, they were just druggies and stoners. They’re lifestyle was horrible, there’s no denying that, but the bleeding colors that expressed their daily lives was something that had attracted Ed.
When Haz first left for the X-factor and then got that gigantic break, Ed had what you could call a meltdown, a mini existential crisis when he was only the small age of 16. Seeing Harry accomplish everything he had hoped for and much more, made his blood boil with pride and envy. He had set out to the streets, quickly finding friends that others would cringe at the idea of associating with. Their clothes torn intentionally, and some of the girl’s faces caked with cheap makeup making their dull eyes bring back a new found life that contrasted the dark smudges around them. The other boys just walked with laziness and utter carelessness as they were sent dirty looks from several modeled citizens. Ed was sent looks of concern; he didn’t fit in the puzzle while the others were different yet all had an air of familiarity to each other.
The only thing Ed had been any good at was his drawings, keeping a handy sketch pad and taking it with him everywhere. Once he started hanging out with the careless teens, he stopped drawing, painting, sketching. Instead he observed. After a few months, he had moved out, rented a flat with several of his mates. He had tried his first smoke, his first hit of weed, his first drugs, his first nights truly away from home, his first time having alcohol, his first time having sex, his first time of blacking out and not remembering anything in the morning and only waking up with a throb in his head and a strange girl or boy by his side. He found himself fitting into the puzzle effortlessly now. He had gone from embarrassingly awkward to carelessly stupid.
His life had become an utter mess making him feel shameful every time he looked into the mirror, seeing his pale complexion and the redness surrounding his green orbs which suddenly seemed brighter.
His mother, poor Anne, of course had no idea this was going on. Ed had told her that he decided to move in with some of his old mates from the honors class at school, studying and maturity would surely come from that. How could he tell his own mother, who had raised him to become a better person than this; that his life insisted of not being able to think about his week because the actions of the previous day could eat away at him at night, keeping him from ever getting a proper sleep? No, he wanted her to know that she had not fail and if anybody had failed it had surely been Ed.
His sleepless nights didn’t go uncounted however, some of his roommates, the ones that slept all day and talked all night, had things to teach, things to offer the world.
One of them, the one with the short milky brown hair, had offered him dancing lessons. At first, he had been doubtful, knowing Harry obviously was not a good dancer and how much better could the other twin brother be? It came by surprise when after a few lessons his body relaxed moving to the rhythm, learning complicated moves and earning new found flexibility that he never knew his body could pull off.
Unfortunately, his body had to give in from exhaustion after days of practicing, which put an effective stop to his body-aching practices. One of his other roommates, the one with the pixie cut bright blue hair who wore glasses when she really didn’t need too, decided Ed needed something with less effort but the same amount of passion, photography. This one particular talent had been the easiest of all; he had a hunch for when it was the perfect time for a shot, capturing the moment. Ed learned quickly that he was easily bored, and forgot about photography for a while as one of the boys he had had a one night stand with offered to teach him guitar, obviously trying to get a redo performance with him. Ed accepted, and after several months of practicing until his fingers bled and then dancing till his muscles clenched at each movement, unpleasantly. After those months he got plenty good, enough that he could be considered quite professional at both; well as professional as someone with his current lifestyle could be.
Unfortunately, more drunken nights led to more self-destruction and soon after he found himself empty, as he called his sister confessing most things, leaving out embarrassing and unpleasant details.
She came over, shushing him and holding Ed in her arms as his tears soaked through the material of her shirt, leaving a wet spot on her shoulder. A week or two later of getting Ed out of the flat and forcing him to move to her boyfriend’s flat. Things quickly got out of hand as he started going through some minor withdrawal symptoms, crying and feeling empty, pain searing through his body. Gemma had given full effort into trying to help him, but honestly she couldn’t do it alone. Ed had heard her call with Harry, her voice frantic and hushed.
It hadn’t been a surprised when Harry had knocked at their door the very next morning as Ed watched telly, curling into himself. Harry had given Gemma a strong embrace before she pointed towards the living room. He walked in soaking in the pasty boy sitting on the couch, his eyes and hair dulled out, without life. Ed monotonously looked from the telly slowly to meet Harry’s identical yet greener and livelier orbs, they looked pained. He opened his mouth as if to say something and Ed braced himself for an insult, but all Harry did was sit next to him pulling him into a tight hug. His lips brushed Ed ear and he muttered a ‘What happened to you? Why?” he voice gut wrenching. Ed raised his hands, clutching at Harry’s shoulders and bringing himself in tighter; taking in the scent that could only belong to Harry before letting tears he had been holding in flood, his sobs wrenching as he struggled to breathe. Harry pulled him tighter, stroking Ed’s mistreated hair, “It’ll be alright; we’ll make alright, Eddy.” To that Ed’s sobs grew louder.
-----------------------
It had taken them several tries to get Ed to genuinely talk about what had happened, telling them about the sense of worthlessness, envy and wonder. Harry’s eyes had softened to an almost unbearable stare that Ed tried to avoid as he had told him his feelings.
It was ridiculous, now that Ed thought about it, how they Harry and Gemma had taken turns hugging him and whispering sweet words until Ed had wanted to barf, because he hadn’t deserve to have been treated like at after all the lies and wrong choices.
It had taken a few months for Ed to get over the drugs, but he did it eventually. He had moved out with Harry, and left the bad memories behind, only thinking about them late at night.
Harry however got incredibly furious at him whenever he would light a cigarette, getting red in the face and Ed could see that the only thing Harry wanted was to rip the stick from Ed’s lip and stomp on it.
He remembered when he had first smoked in front of him, Harry had absolutely dropped his jaw and his eyebrows had scrunched, his eyes zeroing in on the cigarette and then glaring at it. Ed had looked at him before smiling sheepishly.
“You should be smokingn't, Eddy.” He had said still eyeing the tobacco stick.
Ed had a few seconds hesitation before stomping on it, “Sorry, I can’t help it sometimes.” Harry smiled only after it the cigarette had been put out, “I know, just…don’t let it take over.” Harry said softly.
Ed raised an eyebrow, “Oooh, poetic.” Harry playfully punched his shoulder, “shut it.”
“I won’t.” Ed had promised and he meant it.
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Louis had been furious, his eyes set to kill and his lips pursed in a thin line, as Ed walked in William right behind him.
“Where were you? I CALLED YOU ABOUT 15 TIMES!” Louis’ voice rose with each word.
William cringed, Ed sighs taking Will’s hand with his own, as Will’s eyes bulged.
“We got married!” Ed shouted in a sarcastic joy before letting go of Will and saying, “We were at my restaurant.” Ed pats Louis’ shoulder before walking up the stairs, “Your brother’s nice, proper person, unlike his comparison.” Louis scoffed, “I’m amazing.” Ed shrugged before chuckling and walking away.
“I am!” He says looking at Harry in hope, Harry shakes his head before hugging Louis tightly, “You are!”
Will sense of belonging felt kind of whacked out at the moment; he wasn’t anything like these people. Louis then giggles out of Harry’s embrace before pouncing on William, “You made it! I was so worried; you were out there, all by yourself with that monster!” Harry coughs as he looks unto Louis amused; Louis looks at him and smiles. William grunts trying to breathe from Louis’ crushing hug, “He’s not so bad, and at least he isn’t the one crushing my bones! Ow, Louis, stop!” He says the last part in hurry.
Louis steps away and gasps, clutching to Harry’s arm, “Edward has tainted the child, Harold!”
William rolls his eyes, “I’m going to…bed?” his statement coming out more as a question. Harry nods before putting out his hand, “Nice to see you again.” William extends his own arm and Harry pulls him in for a light hug instead before messing his hair. Will groaned trying to rearrange it to its original form, “you guys suck.” He says as he walks up the stairs to his room.
He steps through his door and looks at the wonderful colors of Ed’s painting, it was amazing.
He changed into some pajamas and then slipping into bed. He stayed that way for several minutes, before kicking off the blankets and grabbing his phone from the bed side table and browsing the internet.
Before he knew it, it was 2 am and he still couldn’t sleep, when he got a text.
Are you awake?
William looked at the text, Ed.
Yes.
He waited for the reply as he subconsciously bit into his lip.
The phone shook and Will unlocked it before staring at it;
You shouldn't be.
He scrunched his eyebrows before scoffing,
What do you want to do about it?
The reply came quickly,
Nothing, I’m too comfy in my bed. You should go to sleep though.
William chuckled before suddenly feeling more relaxed,
Okay, only if you say so, bye.
The reply didn’t come as fast this time and William drifted asleep soon after, and it wasn’t until the next morning when he opened his phone and shook his head, smiling as he saw words
carrying throughout is amazing! i love it already :) x
Thanks for the feedback! <3 I'm glad you're enjoying it! :) I'm really just writing it for fun and such, if possible I might have the next chapter today or tomorrow. x
Ed clutched to his phone, his arms shaking as he held it to his ear, listening though his tears.
He let out an anguish scream, frantically throwing the phone across the room, where it collided with the wall, effectively destroying it.
Tears stained his cheeks, his lashes moist. He rubbed the palms of his hands against eyes, gripping his hair afterwards. He groans, kicking the nearest object; watching the glass clash against the floor.
The pain was almost instant, his bare foot throbbing at the pain.
“FUCK! WHY. WHY?!” he reiterated, crying in pain several more times. He walked out of his room, shoving things out of his way and throwing them carelessly, smashing and crushing memories. He picked up his shoes, slamming his feet into them, hissing at the burning sensation.
Ed opened the door, stepping through it before slamming it behind him, not caring about the safety of his possessions. He ran outside; not knowing where to go, but knowing that away was good. Away was better than here, with memories taunting him, reminding him of what couldn’t be; not anymore.
Ed’s tears stinging at his cheeks, cooling down at the chilly weather nipping at the city tonight. He must have run for about 20 minutes; until his legs burned and his lungs yearned for a proper breath, his body crying against anymore movement. His simple black shirt and tight denim jeans didn’t seem like seem a good idea as his skin responded to the weather in goose bumps. He rubbed his hands against his arms; producing some minor heat.
At this point Ed was completely lost; cold and alone. Or so he thought when all of a sudden he heard laughter, he looked around trying to uncover where the laughter had come from when some silhouettes appeared around the corner, about 5 of them; four boys and one girl. They spotted him and waved as they walked closer. When they were at a reasonable distance Ed could see that they were obviously a little younger than him, 15 or 16 maybe? They were all wearing backpacks, each with a can of spray paint in hand.
“Looks like it’s been a rough day, huh buddy?” the girl smiled at him almost teasingly. Ed glared at her, “I’ve had better.” He murmured. They chuckled, one of them threw a paint can at him, “want to tag along?” he questioned casually while shaking the can in his other arm. Ed shook the one previously thrown at him, wiping his already dried tears with his thumb, “sure.” Some of them grin as the girl skips ahead, “follow me then!” she giggles, her bright pink hair illuminated by the streetlight.
Some of the guys pat his back encouragingly. Ed turned to them, “what even are your names?” he questions freely. Some chuckle while the pink-haired one turns with a serious look on her face, “Familiarity ruins the whole illusion.” She states before looking at Ed in the eyes, “It’s not like you really care, either.” She concludes. Ed shakes his head in disbelief before chuckling humorlessly at this whole situation; he could see Harry lecturing him now. “You’re right,” he says and he could see her beam, “I don’t care.” She looks away, “most don’t.” she proceeds to lead the group.
When they do arrive he could see why they were here, the side of some building blank; a great canvas to be filled. Planks of wood set up to reach the higher elevations. They all heaved they’re backpacks from their shoulders and set it on the ground unzipping them to reveal dozens of spray cans in each bag. Ed grinned without happiness, just mischief.
He walked up to the wall, taking a deep breath and thinking. He heard a voice, telling the group to not overthink. To paint what they felt; to make the city theirs. It clicked for a second; what he would draw.
He walked back taking several colors before jogging back and starting; hearing everyone else focusing on their own work. Sprits of paint here and there started covering the wall in the most magnificent way, the fresh paint dripping down, making streaks of color and blending with others along the way.
They stayed there for almost all night; one of them even lends him a jumper when he noticed him shiver several times. Before they knew the first flickers of light escaped through the horizon.
They all stepped back looking at their own individual works; each entirely different from the others.
One of the guys, the one with the fringe, was the first to comment on his. “Pretty cocky to paint yourself.” He grinned. Ed looked at his work; the outlines of the face and how the paint had dripped down from the eyes almost making it look like it was crying if you haven’t looked at the grin which lit up the whole face, his eyes squinting. “It’s my brother.” He whispers.
“He’ll love it.”
Ed looked at his art one more time before looking up at the guy, “No, he won’t.” He paused licking his lips and taking a deep breath.
“He’s gone now. He was unpredictable, who knows what he would have thought.” Ed brings his fingers to his eyes and tilts his head to stop the tears that were threatening to spill.
“Oh Harry, did you dye your hair? Is Lou here?” William asked awkwardly.
“Yeah, I dyed it a few hours ago. He’s gone on an errand. Need a little help?” He asks motioning towards the luggage. Will beamed, “What would be great!” he looked at the cases, “It was difficult getting them up here.”
Ed moved past Will balancing several of the cases and moving inside, “Follow me.” he stated over his shoulder to William.
Will followed him walking upstairs and down a corridor, smudges of black traced in lines along the walls.
“What happened to the walls?” Will questioned, interested. “Just a little accident,” Ed murmured walking and finally opening one of the doors which lead to the guest room.
“Welcome, home!” He said twirling after he put the bags down, “Sorry about the painting in on the wall, I’ll cover it tomorrow.” He smiled. Wills eyes widen looking at the painting, “No, I like it. It’s okay.” Ed smiled, putting his hand out to grab Will’s “Ed.” He stated. Will eyebrows scrunched making a ‘huh?’ noise. “I’m not Harry. My name’s Ed.” He explained his hand shaking Will’s.
“I’m Will.” He replied. Ed’s smile widened, “I know.”
They let each other’s hands go, “Harry and Lou should be here in a few, you hungry?” Ed said walking out of the room, William following him. William pursed his lips before stating, “Food sounds good.”
Ed jumped from step to step like usually, “I don’t feel like cooking but I know this great little restaurant around the block. Has a great vibe.” He says nonchalantly. Will nods, before making a noise of agreement.
“You’ll love their breadsticks and Frappuccino.” He says smiling.
“Do you need to change or anything?” He says walking up to the door and putting on his shoes. Will shakes his head, “Okay than off we go.” Ed grabs his jacket, beanie, and keys. He stands next to the door holding it for Will, who smiles and strides out.
Will had never been to this type of restaurant, not knowing half the menu. Naturally, Ed just suggested what he liked and ended up ordering himself.
They had attracted a lot of attention, some people recognizing them. Screams of: ‘LOUIS’ and HARRY WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR HAIR?’
They had eventually lost them instead opting for taking deserted alleys to get to the location of the little shop. Along the way Ed stopped for a smoke break, slipping a cigarette from his pocket along is a lighter.
Will just stared as Ed’s lips wrapped around the cigarette, taking a deep inhale and letting it go, smoke filling the air. Will almost waved his hand to get rid of the smoke but not wanting to seem uptight just inhaled the smell burning at his throat. Ed hand signaled to the cigarette in a ‘want some?’ manner. William shook his head, raising his hand to scratch at the back of his head, “I don’t smoke.”
Ed had made a sound of recognition and a few minutes after stomped out the cigarette and they had been on their way again.
William however noticed how Ed changed, from just the short time he had been in his company. He had been so outgoing before, chuckling about silly things and making clever little jokes, but as soon as they had stepped into the street, Ed seemed different; like he had everything figured out, a confidence that was different to the one before. Only replying his short huffs and nods; seeming almost untouchable. He seemed almost out of this world with his vibrant red hair loosely peaking from his beanie as he pressed his jacket against himself but his small smile having an air of similarity.
It was obvious he felt at home in this little shop his shoulders more at ease than before, his eyes softening when he saw the barista and waving at her with a warm smile of recognition. Greeting an elder and he waved back.
They sat waiting for their order when Ed’s phone started ringing; Ed took it from his pocket and eyed the callers ID. “It’s just Lou.” He said ignoring the phone and putting it on the table. Some employee brought over their food and Ed’s eyes lit up, licking his lips.
“So you’re not going to answer it?” Will questioned taking a bite from a breadstick.
The other male sighed, “No, they would ruin the meal.” William bit his lip nodding as he continued eating. He took a drink drowning down the bread, before actually taking in the fact that he had come to live with Lou but they never mentioned the important fact that Ed was living there with them. How the first thing he had done here is not seen his brother but instead go on a coffee adventure with a complete stranger. The strange part was not regretting it.
Now he sat across from him sipping from his cup, he raised his eyebrows questioningly.
William shrugged, “I like your red hair.”
Ed smiled, unconsciously touching his hair, “I like your glasses.” William chuckled, “Thanks, they’re new.”
Ed laughed slightly, fingering his hair, “So is my hair. Change is always a little good.”
but if Ed smokes this is how I see that shit going down:
Ed pulls on his hair trying to rack his brain for the perfect angle to his painting as Zayn sits back, inhaling a huff from his cigarette.
"I know I'm not as pro at drawing as you, but you need to relax, man." Zayn calls out to Ed. Ed groans, "I can't! I need to get this done by tomorrow." He says cupping his hands around his face and sighing. Zayn stretches his arm putting the cigarette in Ed reach, "Here, have some, you need it." Ed frowns, "I don't smoke Zayn." He says scrunching his eyebrows.
"There's always a first time." He says in shaking his hand a bit; making the cigarette's ambers in the front light up with the motion. Ed reaches for it and Zayn hands it over.
He puts it to his lips, inhales a bit before coughing, spluttering as Zayn gets up and pats his back for comfort.
"Just inhale," Ed does," and keep it in for a bit." Zayn instructs.
Ed does exactly that, then let's the air go, feeling more familiar after a couple of times.
i mean smut is def okay. i love smut. makes me happy. but incest freaks me out. a lot.
it's all good anon. I understand what you feels. Advisory will be there saying there will be incest for your convenience. Sorry if it freaks you out. :(
that chapter made me want to go jump off a cliff.. not because anything bad. but because i just had feels for fucking edward styles. an imaginary person. how can this be happening to me. help.
i feel u.
I have a lot of unresolved Ed feels. Fictional life ruiner.
If I do, I know that they're are several that don't like that so I will put an warning of incest and smut if it's in there. It'll be in big letters like
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