it’s hard to talk to you now. the little things that remind me of you. the nerdy Harry Potter shirt, Jurassic Park, and even hearing people really laugh. I remember when I first heard yours. not the laugh you use in front of people at school, but when you saw me doing something to completely embarrass myself.
I started loving everything about you.
people told me not to. that you were dangerous in your own way. you use girls, you sleep with them and never talk to them again. in the beginning, you made it seem that way. I always had a tinge of hope something would be different this time. you would see something else in me. I wished on stars, every now and then. old habits die hard, including when you are hoping balls of gas can make everything you hope for become reality.
when I started seeing you late at night, I knew I was going to be like the rest. you would hit me up at 12 in the morning, looking for something to rest your head upon when it was all over. when we cuddled, there was always a space, between what I wanted and what was really happening. I wanted you, a future, and everything in between.
you have plans to move away. 765 miles to be exact. you would just be up the coast, but it stills seems forever away. you want to pursue a career in rapping. everyone is cheering you on, others are hating on what you stand for. you stand for yourself. you have always put yourself first, hoping that it might just get you somewhere. you put your family over anything. your little brothers are the best thing in your life, they are your rocks. you want to give them everything. the nights they complained about the shitty mac and cheese you made for them, when that was the only thing you had to eat, to the nights you wouldn’t see your mom, or had to deal with her “boyfriends’.
I understood you. I wanted to listen to you talk for hours. about anything and everything. I was so infatuated with you. that’s when I realized, we would never be the same thing to each other, and I overcame the fear of rejection, when I started playing boys, like they play girls. I wanted to show you that I wasn’t afraid to lose you, even though it killed me to hear people talk about your weekend and who you persuaded into your bed that night.
you began to saw what I hoped you would. you saw that I was something to lose, something important. I became one of your favorite people. the person to listen, the person to kiss the spot she likes, the person to know all of your weaknesses. knowing you’ll cry in a really hard situation, but never over a girl. the nights we spent fighting, the nights we spent tangled under blankets. led up to the moments of us now.
the night we spent fighting over the future. you were afraid of going to jail, moving away, and moving on. you were really afraid of losing me. afraid I would move on from you and find someone else to search for solace in my late hours. I wished this moment would happen, where you would over think about me. it meant I had a place in your heart. I was constantly on your mind and you on mine. I was so angry and confused on why you would have been with me. the text I sent.
I want to listen to love songs and cuddle with on a Sunday morning. I want to go on a million dates with you and move away with you. I want to go on road trips and I want to see you become the man I know you can. my wants are just stupid fantasies that aren’t going to come true.
marry me.
that’s the exact moment when I knew he loved me. he always said to never get my hopes up, he would slip up and ruin everything. I was ready to run away with him. the only thing holding us back was me. I was still going to be in school for another two years. he is moving to portland next fall. I want to be with him. I would live in a cardboard box while he was figuring things out, just to be with him. he is poison. my poison, I have overdosed on the boy I’ve always wanted. I can always be myself in front of him. he doesn't care what I wear or what I look like. He is the boy that craves time just cuddling and watching football. he is endlessly frustrating and constantly make me want to punch him in the face. but i love him. I’m not afraid to admit it, or even tell him. he makes me smile brighter than the sun, and makes me bluer than the ocean. he has dragged me through hell and back but I’m still holding on for him.
those two little words meant everything to me. me being in high school, and knowing I have someone to be there when I decide to become and adult and move on with my life, means a lot. knowing I have the boy of my dreams waiting for me in the place that I have always dreamt about moving to, is endlessly heartbreaking. two years couldn’t come by any slower. waiting for those two little words to become a reality in my life.
Chernobog hadn't managed to finish her off, but Zirnitra's words had nearly done the job. She had been weaker than she cared to admit, and his uncaring eyes had been the last straw. It had taken all her remaining power and energy to face him.
And even that had been for nothing.
She opened her eyes, but knew quickly that she wasn't where she thought she might be. She could feel it...she hadn't died, but yet she wasn't awake. This was something else altogether. She sat up from the bed where she lay and looked down at her hands, expecting to see the remnants of the fight. Her scars, the blood...everything was gone. Her mortal form was whole.
She slowly rose from the bed and looked around in curiosity. This wasn't her own realm, nor did it feel like any of the others realms of the dead she had visited in her time. And then her eyes fell on him and her jaw went slack in disbelief.
He had died, or so she had been told. But yet there he was, sitting across the empty room. Somehow she managed to find her voice.
"...Father?"
He sat as if nothing had happened, as if his Grace was intact and his life still carried on carelessly. It was as though he was waiting in that chair, watching her, keeping an eye on the Goddess now bedridden and grieving.
"Hi baby."
Confusion marred her features, but she met his eyes, legs swinging over the edge of the bed.
"...what is this? You... word came to us that you had...passed." She looked down at her hands for a moment again, concerned. "...have I? It...does not feel as if I have."
"No. You're right, you haven't." He shook his head, patting the cushion of the seat beside him.
Gabriel's eyes were shining with something besides sadness, like he remembered something tragic and it replayed behind his eyes, but it was largly overtaken by the sheer relief at seeing her.
"You've been busy, huh?"
She stood, stepping stiffly on her feet, as if she'd not used them in some time, and crossed the room to take the seat he offered. Her head hung low, still gazing around the otherwise empty room with wonder as she sat silent for a moment. Of course he knew. Even here, wherever here was, he would always see everything.
"I acted...rashly. Impulsively. But I cannot say I regret it." Her hand rose slowly and lay across her chest, where she had forced Chernobog to carve the sigil that had banished them both. The scars were gone in this...place, but she could still feel the sting.
"He has all he deserves now."
"...Didn't care much about living and dying huh?" Gabriel's small smile faded, "...I'm not sure whether to tell you I'm proud or... I don't know... I can't lecture you, I haven't exactly earned the right to act as your Dad, have I?"
Her head raised slowly to look at him, and her own expression mirrored his. A part of her wanted to correct him, but she couldn't deny the truth in his words. He hadn't been there, he had his own affairs to see to, and she had been thrown into her own duties from the beginning.
"...you are still my father, regardless of the past," she finally said softly. "I admit my own fate was not the first of my considerations in my actions. I just... I could not stand to see him look at me that way. But it is the fate that has been given to me. He now has his rightful home and power restored. He will... do well in the realm. It is no longer any business of mine."
There was no hiding the sadness in her voice.
"You're allowed to just be angry, Hel." Gabriel bit his thumbnail, "Don't have to rationalize everything, not everything has to be tied off with a pretty and classy bow. He might be fine where he is but where does it leave you?" He shifted in his seat, "...Not just talking about him either."
Something in his words sparked her and she gave a frustrated huff. "I am angry, and upset and sad...and hurt... and in love with a ghost who doesn't remember me." She stood from her seat, hands clenched as she began to pace.
"...I wish I didn't feel this way...that I could forget him as he has forgotten me, but I cannot. It would not hurt so terribly if I could forget. Even the pain...the pain that I endured could not drown out the...ache that the blank...uncaring stare in his eyes drove through me! And I want to forget him! I want to...be capable of love without this pain. Because of him I hurt another, another who cares for me, but I cannot love him as he loves me because it hurts me to remember that feeling of joy! That solace of contentment... I suffered for Zirnitra and he thinks me some...pitiful nuisance of a lesser pantheon than his enlarged ego!"
Her voice had risen with each statement, and tears had started to stream down her cheeks.
Two pale hands reached out for her clenched fist, wrapping around it gently.
"It hurts, to be considered lesser, I know." Slowly he worked her fingers, loosening them, uncurling them, "If he doesn't remember, he might not be the same man, because the Zirnitra you knew wouldn't treat you that way. It hurts when people who used to love you look at you with... anger, or hate." There was a sharp pain in his eyes, "But... If you love them, you still do what you can for them. Even if it means throwing yourself away."
She fell to her knees, sobbing now as she grasped at her father's hands. Her head feel against his knee and she shuddered through the tears.
"I let him down... I didn't get to him in time... and then he... I thought when he returned, I... but he... I tried... Father, believe me I tried."
"I know." He slipped down, kneeling beside her, hugging her close, "I saw. And I know it hurts but you did it. You're still here, kiddo... This new Zir, he needs help. You're one of the only people who can do that."
"He doesn't want my help," she murmured, her head resting against her father's shoulder. She felt so small, so young now.
"Hel, you know guys like us." He pinched her cheek affectionately, "We're idiots! He'll figure it out, but you've gotta be patient with him."
She wanted to smile, she wanted to be reassured by his words, but all she felt was resignation.
"I loved... love him... but I don't know how much more I can take. The way he looked at me..."
"Time. It's all about time, things get better with it. You're strong, you're immortal, you have what you need to help him and yourself, right? I mean... you should see the way people I care about look at me."
"I don't know what I have left to give, Father," she said quietly, wiping at her eyes. "Even my...sacrifice was ill-received. All he sees is... a being who wronged him...an outsider with no place in his life."
"I told you he was an idiot. Give yourself time too, I'm not saying be up his butt constantly, I mean, just be there when he needs you. Which might be soon."
She had no immediate response and sat still in her father's arms, contemplating what he had said. She truly wished she could have his optimism.
"...we grieved for you. When the news reached us... I searched for your...spirit among the realms. When I found nothing..." She sighed, and her eyes glimmered gold. The memories of the power she had drawn on to hold her own against Chernobog came to her.
"...I am not awake, am I?"
"...Nope. Not awake." His hand stroked over her hair, "Wish you were. ...I've got a lot of regrets, me wishing I could help you is one of them."
She hugged her father tightly, tears still trickling down her face. She remembered the fervor with which Veles had acted to save his son, how the others had all sought to help Zirnitra...his family. His loved ones.
"...I don't want to be alone any longer, Father."
"You're not." He murmured into her hair as he kissed the top of her head, "I'm not there... but they are. Everyone else. Veles, 'Gator, hell even Crowley. They have their own problems but you're not alone."
She could only nod, her voice caught in her throat as emotions welled up inside her. She had no response. She could only reason with what she knew... and that didn't turn favourable for her. But something in her Father's optimism made her want to try... but she ached. She was tired and hurt and everything she had done had only ended in more pain.
"Now, baby... I want you to just breathe." He shut his eyes, "Don't think. Just breathe. You've earned the rest, I promise. And when you're ready you open those pretty peepers for me."
She closed her eyes, leaning into her father's embrace and tried to do as he asked. Her first breaths were somewhat stuttered, but soon evened out as her tears stopped falling. The first few moments when she closed her eyes she couldn't help but think...and all manner of memories that had led her to this moment ran through her mind.
Pulling Zirnitra's broken and bloodied body from the mountain.
The letter.
Giving his standard to Alaric at the funeral.
Trying to hold herself together for the others...all of it, culminating in that one most painful moment. Him asking who she was.
She choked out a sob as she tried desperately to clear her mind of the pain but it was so much harder...finally she was able to breathe, able to push the memories aside and stem the pain they caused her.
She wasn't happy, not by any means, but the pain wasn't near what she had once felt. And she opened her eyes again to meet her father's.
"Breathing gets easier. It's tight, like you don't want to let go, and you're holding on... but you learn to just let it slip away. You don't forget it, but you deal with it." Gabriel hadn't moved, "All that's left is for you to open your eyes, sweetheart."
She merely sat there, breathing in and out slowly for a few moments before she spoke, sadness still evident in her voice.
"...I'm not ready to. Not yet." Something drove her to stand, to look toward the bed she had risen from. She closed her eyes...something was still not right. She could still feel the weariness in her form. She opened her eyes again to look at her father.
"...will you stay?"
Gabe stayed on the floor, nodding.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll stay..." Then he frowned, flopping backwards onto his ass, "Can we go to like, Hawaii or something? The bedroom here is dreary as hell, kiddo."
She gave a soft smile and after a moment nodded. With all her usual grace, she sat next to him once more.
it'sjustwordsandwhispersandthingscaughtinthewind -they hiss- anYONe c a n h e a r i t d r a g o n. freshbloodspilledandapaRASitepuuuUUlllLLedfromyou....
Sh-shut up. No one is supposed to know-...that's the pot calling the kettle black, y'know.
Maybe someone oughta pull you freaky worm things out of Ol' Crowles. See how YOU like it.
