Dear “dad”,
Hello, you’ll probably never see this and that’s fine because it’s meant for me to deal with all the damage you did in the very small period of time in my life that you decided to be around. It’s for the best that you aren’t here since you couldn’t be a decent fucking human being but it still hurts nonetheless to wonder every once in a while why I wasn’t good enough for you to treat me properly as a dad should but I have to realize that I was always worthy, you were just shitty.
I love how the few times you have shown up to talk to me once again because of your selfish need to do so to make yourself feel better about yourself even though it does nothing good for me and it would be better if you just fucked off after everything (which is why I finally blocked you on social media since you couldn’t get over yourself) you have brought up holding me at the hospital. You know, when I was fucking born. Your good memory of your 26 year old daughter is holding her and her looking up at you when she was born. How sad is that? How sad is it that that’s all you have?
I get it’s partially the drugs and the alcohol that you aren’t strong enough to get out of your life. I get that due to the at least one failed rehab trip. I get that due to the cigarette burns on furniture, rugs, and clothing as you fell asleep smoking either due to fatigue or the drinking or the drugs or a combination. I know that now that I’m an adult. It wasn’t that I wasn’t worthy of being loved it was because you weren’t capable of loving me. You’re a narcissist that thinks he’s perfect despite his life being in shambles. Despite all the harm he’s caused his own fucking children. But hey, I made it out only a little damaged. I’m the oldest child of the first marriage. I got to be forgotten and survive due to my mother and her perseverance while you went and ruined another woman and had two more kids with her. I barely get to speak with my brothers. The one my mom and you share just doesn’t talk. He never really has. He talks even less now that he’s in a shitty ass relationship that he can’t see is shitty. I miss the fuck out of him. (If you’re reading this: people who kick you don’t love you. I don’t care if she hasn’t done it since. It’s not acceptable to kick people especially when the reason is that you wouldn’t cuddle her mother. That’s fucked up.) The other two you moved three hours away because you got evicted again and went into rehab (and have since done drugs). I haven’t seen them since besides funerals. I miss them. I barely talk to them because we didn’t really get to form much of a bond. You tried to use them against me when I decided to block you on social media for my own mental health. It failed thankfully but damn will you ever grow up and actually make a good decision that isn’t self centered and an attempt to hurt others for your own happiness? Fuck you. Seriously. I could go on and on with this rambling but I think this is a good stop for now. I’ll probably write you again soon about how I hate some bullshit thing you did to me soon. Maybe it’ll be a song or two in the future. Maybe it’ll be a book. Either way I hope I get it all out before the day you die and you see it. You got really upset when you found out I’m not accepting your texts and calls anymore. You’d probably be happy to hear I’m talking about you despite the content although you’ll lie again about how half of it didn’t happen like when I turned 18 and tried to form a relationship by writing you a six page letter about everything you’ve done and how I needed to talk about it and make amends or I couldn’t have a relationship with you. Do you remember that? You replied back that half of it didn’t happen, you didn’t remember it, or somehow blamed me, the child, for your not being around and breaking your promises. Yep. But you’re so shocked that 8 years later I finally had enough of your shit, put down my foot, and kicked you out of my life permanently. You could’ve seen this coming if anyone but yourself ever mattered. Oh well. Here we are.