#txf emily

[whovienne]

the scene in Emily where scully is by emily's bed as she's dying and it fades into the stained glass of Mother Mary and the Christ Child, both mothers holding their children who were born to die 😭😭 ugh chris carter why don't you take my heart out and stamp on it instead

[paleode-ology]

I’m finally watching emily again after rage quitting and despite being pissed at mulder I fear that scully is REALLY hot in this episode

[kendallroysco]

Fictober Day 11

Prompt: All I ever wanted (kind of)

tagging @xffictober and @today-in-fic

•••

All This World Could Give

1.1k | MSR angst | mid-S5E7: Emily | pg-13 (L+S)

•••

“I think I‘d like to be alone right now.”

Her words rang in his ears as he laid on this unfamiliar beige couch, staring up at a small hole in the ceiling. What was his problem? He'd said that to her plenty of times hadn't he? No, he hadn't. But he had shut her out before, and that was pretty much the same, right? Why was her comment so damaging to his ego?

No. It wasn't about his ego. He was broken hearted. Apparently his perception of their relationship wasn't at all accurate. He thought they'd been making progress.

It was just a few short months ago when he'd implicitly confessed his love for her, that night when she'd found him at the summer house, a gun to his temple. She'd calmed him down and taken him in her arms like he was some kind of pathetic little boy and he'd cried and cried.

She'd taken him back to his apartment and she sucked his cock, made him cum so hard that he cried. He cried when she sank down onto him, her wetness gripping him and pulling him deep inside of her until she was full of him. Complete. He'd never been loved so tenderly.

And then all hell broke loose. Her cancer metastasized. Bill jr. got involved. The smoking man was killed. Things had just been starting to get back to normal.

On Scully's last night in the hospital, he had been spooning her, pressing kisses to her face and neck as he did when she fell asleep in his arms, not a very common occurrence. He wouldn't forget the way she hiked up her hospital gown and just spread herself for him. Opening up to him her mind, body, and soul.

She was begging him to fuck her. After everything she'd been through, all the pain she had endured, he felt so guilty as fucked her like he'd never have the chance again, as she clung to him like he was all she had left. The air she would kill to breathe. He kissed her until they were breathless. Made her cum over and over again until their bodies went limp and drifted off into the depths of the night.

Since that night they'd been much flirtier, much more willing to submit to their desires for each other. Mulder would show up at her door in the middle of the night and they would make love until the sun came up and it was time for them to go into work. They'd drive separately of course, to avoid any unnecessary eyes on them. Mulder wanted to change that, but knew Scully was more sensitive about her privacy.

He'd kiss her when they were alone in the office, or in the elevator, one time she even gave him a blowjob under his desk and Skinner had walked in looking for her. They wouldn't forget that anytime soon. They ate lunch together everyday, which they had done most days before, but it was different now. It was far more intimate.

And then came Emily. Mulder couldn't believe his ears when Scully called him. He felt selfish for wondering why she hadn't called him earlier, but he couldn't help it. And then seeing the way Scully was with Emily, her daughter, it filled an emptiness inside of him that he didn't even know existed. Imagine the luck of that little girl. Having a mother like Scully to love her unconditionally.

But suddenly it was like Scully was denying everything that had happened between them, pushing him away and all he wanted was to be with her. Be there for her. But he'd never force her to do anything she didn't want to. His Scully is independent, strong, passionate. It's what he loves about her. Well, a few of the many things. He missed her. He wanted her to be here, laying atop his chest, sprawled out across him on the sheets, legs tangled up with his. He loves her so much it hurts. It hurts to think about the possibility that their relationship may not be what he thought it was. He wanted to spend the rest of his existence with this woman, he wanted her to have his kids, wanted to marry her and move away and start a family once they'd finally uncovered the truth.

Perhaps that was why he had been so torn when she asked him to speak on her behalf at the adoption hearing. He knew it was only going to lead to her heartbreak, and he never wanted to see her hurt after everything she'd already been through. After everything he’d put her through. Such a fighter, his Scully.

But there was a part of him who contemplated what it would mean for them. Wondered if he might have a place in this young girls life, should Scully be granted custody. God, how he'd love to have a daughter to raise. And to raise her with Scully.. what he wouldn't give.

Well that was precisely it. He wouldn't put Scully in harms way for a child who was never meant to be. Wouldn't let her put herself in harms way. When she was diagnosed with her cancer, he’d made a promise to himself, and to her. A vow to never again be the source of her suffering.

Was that why he'd held that doctor at gunpoint? Threatened to beat the crap out of him while demanding answers about Emily? Mulder didn't even know what his own motives were anymore. He only knew that he loved Scully and never wanted any evil, any darkness to touch her ever again. But she made him so upset with her actions, her words. Her coldness. The distance she wedged between them so forcefully.

Mulder had stayed at Maggie's for two nights, and slept on the couch for both of them, as Scully would lock herself in the upstairs bedroom. Nobody thought anything of it, it wasn't public knowledge that they were romantically involved.

But Mulder thought about it. He thought about it, and it ultimately led him out the door the night Emily had passed away. Those had been Scully's last words to him. I think I'd like to be alone right now.

The words stung him, at his eyes, his heart, and so he ran. Ran from the possibility that he had broken her trust, or made her fall out of love with him.

All he ever wanted was her unwavering trust, to be there for her when she need him most, in times like this, when the pain was too much to process alone. All he ever wanted was to be the one to bear her burden when it threatened to break her. All he ever wanted was to love and be loved by her until death did them part. He would give her the world and then some if only to have the privilege of being hers.

But how do you give the world to someone who doesn’t realize that she deserves it?

•••

[genderbinaryisforlosers]

You found her. And you got a chance to love her. And maybe she was meant for that too.

I’m so sorry... that I didn’t get a chance to know you. Or you get a chance to know me, or your father.

[genderbinaryisforlosers]

Never give up on a miracle.