#type: advice

[this-is-poly-joy]

Experiencing jealousy doesn't mean you're not cut out for non-monogamy.

It really irks me when I see people saying how easy polyamory is and how toxic jealousy is and humble-bragging about how they never feel jealous, and they don't understand why jealous people even do non-monogamy because they don't seem "into" the idea of their partner(s) seeing other people. The truth is that experiencing jealousy does not disqualify you from practicing non-monogamy. If it did, I think there would only be perhaps a handful of truly non-monogamous people, maybe ever.

If you're non-monogamous and you experience jealousy sometimes, you are not only valid but you are perfectly normal.

This applies to anyone who feels jealous sometimes and it applies especially to people who say things like "Non-monogamy is so easy, I never feel jealous!" I promise you, it is bound to happen to you the longer you practice non-monogamy, and there's no need to beat yourself up for it when it does.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion that's evolutionarily designed to help us hold onto the people that we love. And, although for some people it's easier to rationalize away jealousy in non-monogamy, that doesn't mean that the emotion won't occasionally decide to sit with us anyways.

At its core, jealousy is a fear of loss. Some people experience a lot of jealousy in the beginning stages of a relationship, before they become sure and stable in that relationship. For others, jealousy can creep in later. In my personal experience, I've found that the closer I become to a partner, the more I come to cherish them, and the more I cherish them, the more likely I am to become anxious about losing them.

So why does everyone act like jealousy is a "bad" emotion? Well, it can cause us to act out in pretty negative ways - and that's where I think the conversation about jealousy should center. We can't always control our negative emotions, in fact I'd wager a guess that most of us rarely can. However, we can control our actions and behaviors. It would be so much more productive if we focused, as a community, on discussing how to manage and cope with jealousy in non-monogamous relationships so that we can avoid negative behaviors.

TL;DR: Jealousy isn't a bad emotion. It's a normal emotion that can cause us to do bad things. Feeling jealousy doesn't disqualify you from ENM. It will happen to you one day and you should prepare for it.

[femslashrevolution]

I thought you guys might know, is there an active lesbian fiction recs tumblr anywhere?

We often get suggestions from @sapphicbookclub, @sapphicbookoftheday, and @priory. You can also check out WLW-based publishers like Bella Books, Bold Strokes Books, Sapphire Books, and Ylva Publishing. Hope this helps!

[this-is-poly-joy]

So I've decided I'm gonna research polyamory so that when I come out to my parents I can destroy them with Facts and Logic. Do you have any resources where I could start?

Hi! Firstly I want to say, do be careful if you live with your parents; it's not unheard of for living situations for polyam people to become hostile if parents/family members aren't accepting. This post from @/polyamorousmood has good advice on this topic, though the situation anon describes there is different from yours.

This thread and this thread from Polyamory.com are older, but describe experiences of real people who have come out as polyamorous and the responses they've gotten from folks in their lives. They're good food for thought as you move forward with making the decision. More perspectives in a Reddit thread here.

I don't want to discourage you from coming out on the basis that it's something you should feel ashamed of, but I think it would be irresponsible of me to advise you to go for it when I don't know your situation. Safety and security come first!

All that being said, here are some resources that I think are credible for reference:

OPEN's Consensual Non-Monogamy Fact Sheet: Includes both a CNM 101 section and a Myths & Misconceptions section, both backed up by research.

More Than Two's Polyamory FAQ: This is written as a conversation between a polyam skeptic and a polyamorous person, and is a great resource for having prepared responses to questions you may get asked.

More Than Two's Polyamory 101: This is a PDF that includes a number of definitions as well as more myths/misconceptions debunked.

I hope this is helpful! If anyone else has advice or other resources please feel free to reply or reblog!

[this-is-poly-joy]

how do poly people deal with anxiety? like more partners more problems right? idk that would literally kill me.

This is a REALLY great question that I enjoyed answering!! Short answer: Just like how monogamous people deal with anxiety, sometimes really well and sometimes very poorly. But I know that's not the answer you're looking for :p (The answer that I have to give is a whole lot longer than anticipated BTW so sorry for the wall of text!!! I wanted to be detailed because I have a lot of thoughts on this topic.)

Long answer: As @/polyamorousmood put it, being polyamorous expands your circus tent and multiplies your monkeys. With each added partner, you take on the responsibility of caring for them. However, it's really REALLY important to remember that, polyamorous or not, your partner(s)'s problems shouldn't be 100% your responsibility.

Let's say Angie and Greta are in a monogamous relationship. Greta has a problem! Maybe it's something small, like having a minor disagreement with a coworker. Angie can support Greta by being there for her to vent to, and giving her advice. This doesn't seem like too much of a strain, right? That's a problem that just one person can probably support, and no one becomes overloaded.

What if Greta has a bigger problem? Maybe she gets in an accident, which causes her to lose her mode of transportation and her job by extension. Now Greta needs a LOT of support. She needs rides around town; she needs financial support; she may need medical support; and she needs a shoulder to cry on. How difficult would it be for Angie to take on all of those roles at once? Like, REALLY hard. As Greta's partner, Angie is going to take on quite a bit of the load naturally, but ideally, she shouldn't be alone. Ideally, Greta should be engaging with other resources: friends, family, a therapist, a social worker, etc etc etc. Ideally, Angie should be mobilizing those same resources as well. "It takes a village" doesn't just apply to raising a child; in my opinion, it takes a village to provide support to anyone who needs it.

(Obviously not everyone has access to all the resources I mentioned above, but that conversation lies outside the scope of this ask.)

The same illustration can be expanded to include non-monogamous relationships too, and I don't mean that in the sense that "Well, if there are 5 people in the polycule, then problems can be spread across 5 whole people!" Because that doesn't really work either. 5 people means 5 people's worth of problems, and spreading that across just 5 people is basically equivalent to the monogamous situation of 2 people's problems spread across 2 people.

Also, it's a lot more common that in a polycule made up of 5 people, all 5 of them don't have equally close relationships with each other. A, B, C, D, and E make up the polycule, but person A is dating B, C, and D, while person B is dating person E. Or something like that. If each person spreads their problems equally across each of their partners, then person A ends up with a much higher ratio of problems than the others. If something like that happens, and person A doesn't respond by communicating their high stress level & setting thoughtful boundaries with their partners, then the relationship structure will fall apart.

Everyone has to be doing the work to ensure they aren't giving too much to one person, and everyone needs to communicate their boundaries.

There's no perfect formula like "Each of your partners should get a 20% share in your problems and the rest should be outsourced to a friend or therapist". Life is way more complex than that, even before considering the interwoven relationships in polyamory. Which leads me to my last and probably most significant point.

Every healthy relationship involves communication and boundaries!

How can you know that your partner is getting overloaded with your problems if they don't tell you? How can you make sure you don't overstep your partner's boundaries if you don't know where the boundaries are? And likewise: How will your partner know that you're stressed if you don't tell them? How will they avoid crossing your boundaries if you haven't set them?

If you do any reading on polyamory you'll hear this over and over and over again: "Communicate, communicate, communicate." And for good reason! Polyamory can be beautiful and fulfilling when it's healthy, but it can be messy and painful when it's toxic. And yes, this is the same as any monogamous relationship. BUT... there's a reason why folks say that polyamory is like relationships on "hard mode". More people, more moving parts, more potential for heartbreak.

That doesn't mean it can't be done. It just means that poly people have to be even more mindful of setting and maintaining boundaries than a typical monogamous couple.

I hope this answers your question and wasn't too intense of a response. Like I said... I have a lot of thoughts on this. Especially as someone who, when I was monogamous, made the mistake of leaning too hard on one person and ended up losing them. So many things that I've learned from polyamory apply just as well to monogamy and even non-amorous relationships too. I have a passion for talking about this stuff, even if I'm not perfect at implementing it 100% of the time. We try and sometimes we fail and that's okay! It's all about getting back up and trying again. Anyways. Ramble over lol.

[this-is-poly-joy]

I asked someone else this too but they haven't posted since march so I'm not sure if they'll see it!

I want to ask for an opinion. I know a lot of monogamous people are scared of ENM because they're scared they won't be good enough (I was like this before being in an open relationship). Is it common for people in ENMs to be super anxious/insecure about the idea of being someone's only partner? Because the idea of being my girlfriend's only partner distresses me a lot. I'm disabled in a few different ways, so not being able to provide a whole lot for her in some aspects has been basically fixed by opening our relationship! She used to cheat a lot, which hurt at the time, but now I kind of see it as any other type of boundary-breaking: it sucks, but its happening for a reason so I'd rather address it than disguard our otherwise great relationship. So now its like, if I am in too much pain to have sex for a month then she can seek it from other people without feeling bad about it! And I don't have to feel bad about it either! Though, now I can't imagine any monogamous relationship working out for me, which is fine, but I'm wondering if this is a normal thought process for other people in ENM relationships?

Hey! Sorry it took a bit to get to this, I've been getting back into the swing of things the past few days.

I think that makes perfect sense and I can relate to the sentiment. My primary partner and I both have pretty expansive needs and desires in our relationships, whether that's emotionally, sexually, or otherwise. I think we would both struggle to fulfill each other if we were strictly monogamous.

I asked my partner to chime in and they agree, and added on that "it would be hard to go back to being monogamous after a decade of being poly". Which brings up a good point: Once you've tried something that really works for you and your partner/s, it's scary to consider changing it!

I can't recall any specific discussions about this in my online circles, not off the top of my head at least, but I've definitely heard this echoed by other ENM folks over the years. It could be viewed as a sign that non-monogamy is just the natural inclination for some folks, or it could be that non-monogamy simply works better for specific relationships. (My bet is, either or both depending on the person/situation.)

[this-is-poly-joy]

Hi there, hope this is okay to ask. I’m going to give some background if that’s okay.

I’ve had a close friend for years. She’s unlike any other person I’ve known. I get close with friends, but she’s by far my closest. She’s demi-pansexual, I’m also demi and I Think pansexual (at least panromantic. Idk. My sexuality wavers a lot). We have extremely open, honest communication and we’ve talked about living together for years (im in east coast US, she’s west) and each time we see each other we struggle to part and miss each other terribly afterward. We’ve wondered if it’s a QPR type thing - but we do enjoy some arguably romantic stuff together like holding hands and cuddling and sharing a bed. We’ve debated doing more (kissing) but don’t want to ruin anything or make it awkward.

Here’s the problem. I really want to start dating soon and I really want a partner I’m sexually attracted to. I think my friend is very attractive, but I don’t think I feel anything sexual necessarily. I love the idea of cuddling sweetly but I have lots of kinks I don’t think she’d enjoy engaging in, and I don’t know if I’d want her in that position.

Today I remarked “I wish I could just have a spouse and a girlfriend (her)” and she had apparently thought similarly. We love each other so dearly and want to know each other for the rest of our lives, we love sharing a bed and we love being close. We don’t mind at all when people think we’re dating; it’s kind of exciting tbh. But I don’t know if she’s someone I’d want to marry - and I Really want to be married someday.

I kind of like the idea, again, of being in some sort of relationship with her but also having a spouse. I don’t know if others would be okay with that though.

Is this … an option? Idk. I’ve never thought I might be poly. But I guess I do have fantasies of having multiple partners, and when I’ve heard examples of poly (“they’re my sun, you’re my moon, she’s my stars”) it made sense to me. I just always figured I was monogamous because I’ve never met a man I want to date and I don’t want an open relationship. I don’t know if I’m in denial of being in love with my friend, if this is just the demi part of me talking, or if being poly would solve this tension. :(

Hi anon! The short version of my answer is, Yes, that's totally an option and if you both feel good about it you should give it a shot!

The long version:

First, and this is probably my own personal opinions and experience talking, but I think it could be really helpful for you guys to worry less about defining the relationship. My opinion on labels is, whether you're labeling a relationship or an orientation or a gender, etc., a label should serve you, not the other way around. That is to say, it's better to use a label to describe something or someone that already exists, than to use a label to prescribe a way that something or someone should behave. Relationships often become a lot less tense when you stop trying to fit them in a box and just allow your dynamic to become what it wants to be.

It's obvious that you both care a lot about each other, and you enjoy spending time together and enjoying physical contact together. Placing a label on your relationship could be an important milestone when the time is right, but if you're not sure what you two "are" right now that's totally okay. And if you never figure out what you "are", that's also totally fine and valid. Undefined relationships can be just as significant, deep, and passionate as relationships with clear labels and roles.

Talk with your friend about how you want your relationship to be, not just what you want it to be called. Example questions: How often do we want to see each other? Do we want to make major life changes to see each other more often - if so, what's the timeline? When we're together, what kind of physical contact do we want to have? If we were to escalate our physical contact (ie. kissing, sex, etc), how will we communicate how we feel before, during, and afterwards? If we initiate a committed relationship with each other, will we both feel comfortable seeing other people simultaneously? What does "committed" look like for us? How will we communicate with each other and with our other partners about our desires and expectations? (It's TOTALLY OKAY if you don't have answers to all of these questions immediately! They're good things to reflect on individually and talk through together over time; don't feel like you have to rush it or have it all figured out right off the bat.)

The most important thing is to communicate with each other openly and consistently, and each of you do the same thing with any future partners you may have. If you do decide to have a non-monogamous relationship, going into it with your wants and needs laid out on the table will make things go so much more smoothly.

All that being said, I still haven't addressed the crux of your ask directly. Yes, it's absolutely an option to be in a long-term relationship with someone you're not married to and to marry someone else. You mentioned that you don't want an open relationship; it sounds like you might be describing something called polyfidelity, or a closed poly relationship. This means that you are in a relationship with more than one person, but the relationship isn't open for more folks to join. I know I said labels aren't the end-all be-all, but having that vocabulary will hopefully serve as a good jumping-off point for you to do your own research and reading.

Things to consider moving forward, if you both decide that that type of relationship would work for you: How would you feel about your future spouse also having another partner(s)? There are monogamous people out there who would definitely be willing to enter a relationship with a polyamorous person (these are called mono-poly relationships), but just like any relationship structure, this one comes with its own challenges. On the other hand, if your future spouse is also polyamorous, you would need to discuss having a closed relationship with them and determine that that's something everyone is comfortable with. Lots of polyamorous people would be open to a closed relationship, so don't feel discouraged by that statement! But lots of other polyamorous people prefer open polyamory, so it's important to make sure that everyone is on the same page going into the relationship.

I know I've just thrown a lot of information and long-winded advice at you, so don't feel overwhelmed. You don't have to make all of these decisions or come up with all the answers right this second! These are just things to reflect on, and a starting point for conversations with your friend and with yourself. I highly recommend journaling, or doing any other activity that helps you process your emotions like mindfulness, art, exercise, etc. while you think these things over.

Good luck, anon! I wish you and your friend the very best! <3 My ask box is always open if you have any other questions or want to talk things through! I can't promise to be an expert or a therapist but I'm happy to give you more of my thoughts or resources I can find on these topics.

[luciensfox]

Reading Slump Remedies

It’s fairly easy to fall into a reading slump, especially around this time of year when the holidays are just around the corner and many of us have exams coming up. The most important thing to remember is to NOT feel pressured into reading a certain amount of books. If you only get to one novel this month, it won’t be the end of the world! Take all the time you need to focus on everything else that is on your mind, and when you’re finally content enough to settle down –then you can browse your TBR pile!

Usually what I do to get back into a series is (and this will probably sound strange) search for playlists and fan-art from that book! Sometimes seeing another fan’s interpretation of the story helps spur my mind into action. Often its the books ‘aesthetic’ that makes or breaks it. Personally, I would much rather read about dragons in medieval Europe than an interstellar Sci-Fi war. So in regards to my preferences, I’d be drawn towards a playlist or an artwork that reminds me of epic fantasy. We all have our different tastes in books, but it will help you defeat that reading slump if you decide on a particular genre to devote at least a week to! Try it next time! Just search (Book Title) playlist or (Book Title) art Tumblr and hopefully those sounds and sights will persuade you to continue reading.

Still a little lost? Think of it this way: I didn’t know anything about Cassandra Clare’s Mortal Instruments series until I saw the movie trailer one day. I wouldn’t have even looked up from my phone had it not been for the music. Then I noticed the cool imagery/ setting, and the creatures fighting with strange beings I now know as Shadowhunters. Oh yeah, I ordered those books five minutes after seeing the preview for the first time. Oops. But can you blame me? Honestly, try to think back to a time when you were in the same position! The way I see it is that we cannot have books without music or photos. It’s an endless cycle of creativity, one that bleeds into the next and so forth. When we read, we’re subconsciously picturing things, and when we see a drawing that could portray an infinite amount of stories, we’re also trying to decode the ending to that picture by conjuring our own ‘fanfiction’ if you will.

If you’re afraid of seeing spoilers by using my method, then I’d recommend just searching for playlists. Fan-art can be very spoilery. However, if you don’t mind seeing a drawing of character A stabbing character B because you’ve yet to be introduced to those characters…go for it! Give the method a try!

It is also common for us to overthink things when we're stressed. Just find a single book you enjoy and try to stick with that one. Even if you end up skimming some pages, you're bound to catch something exciting by the ending of the book! There’s no shame in going back and rereading if you think you’ve missed an important moment. Now, go read a book! (Unless you’re too busy in which case, go get shit done and then read that well-deserved novel!) Hope this works for you guys :-)