I have been staring at the hollow of his throat for some time now. My lips are quite dry. He is glowering at me, though I thank any God that hears me that he has not left yet. I went to her again. She lingers on my mind, even still, and though it tortures me, I cannot stop. I can feel his questions, burning in those unholy golden eyes. “Am I first?” “Why did you go?” “Do you even love me?” “What the hell are you even writing at a time like this?” Though he is silent, I hear these as though the words were thunder from the sky. My left hand is shaking. And now he stares at it instead. I do not wish to be this weak. I do not wish to be this broken. But I am still a stone in the river of time, even more so than he. He can move on, but how many years will it take me? I cannot stay like this, not for Chaos, and most definitely not for Arles. I write for they will surely eat at my sanity if I do not. And I cannot put my son in danger. I will not. If he was not first, I would have not given in to him. I would not have thoughts about him. I would not wish to slap his glare away because I cannot bear the weight of it on my shoulders. I would not want to reach for his fingers and almost sob in relief if they curled around mine. I would not want to whisper ridiculous poetry to him, the kind from the books I recently bought. Surely he noticed all the new literature filling up my shelves. Sonnets and love songs, inked onto paper to be preserved. If he was not first, I would not have even stopped to look at those flowery verses. I love him. I have fallen in love with the devil himself, and I am extremely aware of it. Apologies to him can mean nothing. But do they not mean less if I do not try? I think, once I have put this pen down, I will go to him. I am not fearless by any sense of the word. I do not want him to go. But even still… If you do not want me to think of her, then put yourself so firmly into my mind that I think of nothing but you. Oh, but…alas. You are already the only thing I think about. And that may be my only saving grace. —V.
