I’m with the DJ: Remember my Uncle Jamie
Uncle Jamie,
I was only six years old when you died.
I was holding a cherry red balloon that I let go to float up into the night sky.
For you.
I remember my mom was holding me by her side sliding her finger through my light brown hair.
Here eyes welled with tears as they trickled down her cheeks.
Of my grandparents four kids you were the only one that Jerry whom I call Papa
fathered.
He was heart broken and really loved you.
I loved all the relics of you he would keep like the bouncing tigger doll that wore a metal necklace around it that
or the quartz crystal he kept on his green velvet tarot cards bag the belonged to you.
Papa and grandma miss you and loved you very much.
They dedicated a wooden bench along the side of the lake near their home and they both go there from time to time to sit and remember you.
I adored you from the vague memories I have of you throwing me up in the air on the beige couch in my grandparents den to catch me in your hands.
I know you loved and adored me your older sister’s baby girl.
My mom told me when I was born you brought a huge plush elephant in for me.
That was sweet of you.
I think if you were still alive today we would be good friends.
You led a very exciting life as a Dj.
I remember one club you used to work at named, the Pussy Cat Lounge.
The name makes me laugh still to this day.
My mother, eight years older than you,
thinks about you still.
Her younger brother.
We light a yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of you death and toast to you on St Patrick’s day, your birthday.
Aunt Joanne has a beautiful tattoo on the back of her neck of the Star of David with all her sibling initials on each point and in honor of you a four leaf clover in the middle.
I didn’t believe it when my mom told me what they all three did in order to remember and celebrate you.
My moms a total square so I never thought in a million years she would smoke.
All three of the my Mom, Aunt Joanne and Uncle Michael smoked Mary Jane and went skinny dipping at my grandparents pool to celebrate you and remember their youngest brother.
That sounded like a scene out of a whimsical movie.
Yes Jaime you struggled with addiction and I want you to know that it isn’t entirely your fault because it is in your genetics the predisposition to addiction. It’s also very much apart of my genetics as well maybe even more so with addiction plaguing both my mother’s and father’s side of the family.
At age sixteen to eighteen I can absolutely say I have an addictive personality,it’s in my blood.
I’m trying to be as careful as I can be.
But I’ve done a shit job at that or so my parents would say.
When ever my mom discusses addiction with me she always cries out your name and your past and it hits like a boulder in the head.
Always.
She scolds me saying,
“Your Uncle Jamie died of an overdose
at 36 is that what you want to happen to you ?!”
I wonder how you feel when she says that if your agreeing fully with her.
Or are you feeling guilt that your the big example she’s making of you.
Or do you sympathize with me and think she’s blowing things out of proportion.
Guess I’ll never know.
I’m only going to admit to you
Yes I am addicted to nicotine and I wonder if your disappointed in me.
I’m no longer addicted to cigarettes though while working an awful job at Pizza Hut I was cause it was the only way to get a five minute break.
That was the worst feeling of addiction I’ve ever had, however in some way I felt connect to you and my grandmother Sarah in those times of desperation for a puff and nic high.
I was livid, I felt like a crazy person until I took drag of what ever cigarette I could get my hands on.
New ports,
Paul malls,
Marlboro ,
Even these camel crush menthol that were disgusting.
I’d smoke reburns that were practically down to the filter just to get a satisfy my
intense cravings.
I’d hop over the first floor balcony of my friends and search on the dirty floor which was covered in partially smoked cigarette for the longest one to put between my lips and puff on.
When I was trying to quit I’d feel better about smoking American Spirits because they didn’t have the chemicals they called it a natural cigarette 100% tobacco non addictive, but it wasn’t any better they were just as addictive as any other cig.
I stopped smoking cigarette when I quit working there.
I do love weed though and that is the one drug I am not ashamed of doing what so ever.
Jaime I would have loved to smoke and get high with you while you played music I’m sure you would have a similar music taste to mine.
I wish you could give me music recommendations but hey I was a little too late on that one.
I wish that I could hear all your crazy stories about being a club Dj.
I wish, Jamie, that we could have conversations about life and just how comforting it is that our lives are so small that we must make the most of every breath we’d take.
I wish you last breath wasn’t at age 36.
Though the little brown shirt I used to wear as a kid is to small now,
I will always be with the DJ.
Hallie Nicole Pahl
