series synopsis - in a world where soulmates were real, fate ties you to ryomen sukuna like some cruel and twisted joke. where people felt their soulmates in soft touches and quiet comfort, all you’ve ever known was phantom pain, sleepless nights, and a violent rage that didn’t belong to you. by the time you finally meet the man ruining your nervous system, the city already knew him as its most feared underground boxer. how would you survive? [mdni 18+]
chapters
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ prologue
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ one - no surprises
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ two - cigarette smoke
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ three - tbd
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ four - tbd
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ five - tbd
⚡︎ ⋆.˚ six - tbd
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credits: art by @/cinaillus | divider by @/uzmacchiato
apocalypse - prologue
undergroundboxer!kuna x reader [soulmate au]
series masterlist
∞︎︎
you had come to the conclusion that your soulmate was either a felon or a cold-blooded murderer.
you were leaning more towards the latter.
there were only so many times you could wake up with sore ribs and aching knuckles before starting to consider homicide as a genuine career path for your soulmate.
you were sixteen years old when you began feeling what he felt and he rarely felt happiness.
at sixteen, you remembered clinging onto hope, faith that things would change for the better.
at nineteen, you tried denial. optimism even. maybe he just had niche hobbies?
now, at twenty-two, exhausted and running on three hours of sleep and an unhealthy dependence on caffeine, you had finally settled on acceptance.
your soulmate was batshit crazy, absolutely insane.
the realization came to you somewhere between waking up at three in the morning because someone was being beaten up and nearly throwing up on the marble floors of your bathroom after feeling a wave of adrenaline so violent, it couldn’t possibly belong to a sane person.
you blamed him for the dark circles under your eyes, as well as the chronic irritability, insomnia and the emotional damage too.
“hey sunshine!”
you glanced up from your kitchen island to see shoko freely walking into your apartment as if it was her own. which, considering the amount of time she spent there, perhaps it was.
“you look awful.” utahime voiced from beside her as she walked towards your fridge, pulling out a bottle of coconut water, “devils dick wouldn't let you sleep again?”
you stared blankly out at the city skyline stretching beyond the floor to ceiling windows, morning fog curled between skyscrapers while the city below came to life beneath streaks of pale sunlight, almost pink.
“yes,” you replied bluntly, taking a sip of the black coffee in hand, “unless i’m the one suddenly developing anger issues and an overwhelming desire to commit aggravated assault.”
shoko snorted into her matcha at your words, though a thin layer of concern blanketed her eyes as she watched you.
you felt it before you saw him, the soft fur brushing against your ankles as you looked down at the familiar tuft of brown, “hi, ani.”
the cat purred against you lowly, circling your feet once before making his way towards the porcelain bowl filled with his breakfast.
it was a bit sad how your cat was your one companion in the vast penthouse you resided in. technically, the house belonged to your parents who were overseas so often, it was entirely in your possession alongside an absurd monthly allowance and very little supervision.
most people your age would’ve killed for this kind of freedom.
a luxury apartment in the middle of the city, prestigious university and a future already carved out neatly in front of you.
from an outside perspective, your life was perfect.
except for the stain beneath the surface of everything. him.
a constant you despised, yet he was all too impossible to ignore.
most soulmates exchanged softness through their bond. love, warmth and peace.
you exchanged pain, phantom bruises and what you were fairly certain was unresolved psychological trauma.
“how bad was it?” shoko questioned as she sat on the stool by the island.
you considered the question for a moment.
truly, last night wasn’t his worst night but it wasn’t his best either.
“my left thigh kinda hurts.”
“ooh,” she winced, “that’s new.”
“yup. he’s branching out,” you brought your cup up to your lips, “lucky me.”
the soulmate bond manifested differently for everyone, but emotional and physical sensations were universal. tiny things passed between soulmates all the time, including stress, exhaustion, happiness and lust.
utahime once told you soulmates were a blessing.
you’d nearly laughed in her face. did she know what a blessing was?
“maybe he’s in jail.’ shoko offered lazily as utahime immediately shot her a look.
you looked up at the girl. jail?
you almost hoped he was, that way the chances of meeting the son of a bitch were practically down to zero. you didn't want anything to do with the sadistic motherfucker.
your friends found your situation significantly sadder than you did, mostly because all of them had experienced their bond the way it was intended.
warm, soft and disgustingly tender.
utahime met sora during your graduation trip to greece. it was in the middle of a beach club and you distinctly recalled the way utahime went all quiet, the way they couldn’t look away from each other despite utahime always swearing that fate had handcrafted him specifically to irritate her.
you don’t remember how they progressed, only that they did. more than you could even imagine.
shoko met percy during your welcome week in freshman year, all anxious minds and bright eyes. you remembered the way shoko used to continuously rub the bridge of her nose because she claimed her soulmate wore the heaviest glasses on earth. then there he was. tousled hair, thick-rimmed glasses and all.
they’ve been inseparable ever since.
sometimes, you felt like the worst person alive because you resented them, just a little bit.
not because they were happy, but because they got softness where you got violence.
if you closed your eyes, just for a moment, you could recall exactly when you'd first felt him.
while walking through the school hall in first year, the most overwhelming sense of fear overcame you. real and true terror, practically paralyzing you in place. dread that was raw and sharp, crashing into your ribs hard enough to steal the air right from your lungs.
then came the pain, something you’d grow all too familiar with.
pain that only got worse with age.
you found yourself continuously trying to make sense of the colossal question mark that was your soulmate. who was he? what was he so afraid of? why was he in constant pain?
still, you learned the rhythm of him.
it was embarrassing, honestly. you knew things about your soulmate that no stranger should know.
you knew he preferred sleeping on his back because his shoulders were always too bruised to lie on comfortably. you knew he clenched his jaw till his molars hurt when he was furious. you knew he rarely slept through the night and how he carried exhaustion like it was stitched into his bones.
and worst of all, you knew exactly what his anger felt like and it was ugly. not explosive or wild in a dramatic sense but controlled.
it sat low in your stomach like a rock, dangerous and waiting.
sometimes, in the middle of lectures, your chest would suddenly tighten for absolutely no reason and you’d know instantly.
those were the worst days and they happened more often than you’d like.
your body would grow tense hours before it even happened, as if it already knew what was coming. your pulse would spike and adrenaline would drip into your bloodstream until your own fingers twitch with restlessness.
then came the impact. a burst of pain and the metallic taste of blood in your mouth that you could never see.
panic used to fill you at the sensation and now, you’d barely flinch.
“again?” utahime would whisper from beside you during your labs.
you’d simply nod.
apparently, your soulmate enjoyed fist fighting at eight in the fucking monring. truthfully, you didn’t know what scared you more. the violence itself or how used to it you’ve become.
because despite everything, the resentment sitting bitter on your tongue every time he dragged you into another sleepless night, you still found yourself searching for him constantly.
in crowds, trains and crossing busy streets. but you never felt his presence around, so you knew they were futile attempts.
you hated that too. the way your body longed for someone your mind already decided was a monster. the devil reincarnated.
sometimes, late at night, when the city outside your windows finally quieted down and the skyline blurred into soft hues of orange and pink, you’d feel him lying awake.
always restless and consistently pained.
there was something deeply unsettling about sharing insomnia with a stranger.
you’d feel him shifting endlessly beneath bedsheets, the tension in his shoulders and agitation under his skin. occasionally, the dull ache of old bruises blooming across muscle.
those nights left you exhausted and you always tried to ignore it at first, but one night, half-asleep and irritated beyond relief, you wrapped your arms around yourself beneath your comforter with a frustrated little sigh. a weak attempt to offer him a semblance of comfort.
go the fuck to sleep.
the effect was so immediate, it had your heart growing erratic.
you felt him still, completely and truly. a calm settled over your chest like a balm on wound.
after that, it became routine.
you’d discovered a hack of some sort.
to get through to him, you have to act as if you are him.
you’d taken up yoga with hime because it seemed to ease his sore muscles.
some nights, you’d feel him spiraling so violently with anger so strong, it crawled beneath your own skin. on those nights, you’d sit on your balcony overlooking the starry night enveloping the skyline in a deep blue. a case of markers in hand along with an adults coloring book. one of those complex ones with multiple minuscule shapes.
and color, you did. because it seemed to soothe him.
you knew it because you could feel it happen in real time.
the slow loosening of tension beneath skin and the steadying of his heartbeat. then the exhaustion would finally pull him under.
it felt strangely intimate.
though it started selfishly because you wanted the rest, you soon began doing it for him.
sometimes, you wondered if he knew it was you.
if he realized that the sudden calmness swallowing him whole at three in the morning belonged to somebody else.
if he knew his soulmate sat forty floors above the city in pretty pink pyjamas and color stained hands trying to soothe a rage she didn’t understand.
the thought made your chest ache because you knew he knew.
despite how badly fate had screwed you over, he was still yours.
and somehow, horrifyingly, you were still his.
despite it all, he still felt so unbearably human.
most nights were spent peacefully from that day on, for the most part.
you could tolerate him now but there were still quieter nights where he couldn’t sleep.
the bond grew restless during those hours, tension humming beneath your skin like static. you’d feel him, his exhaustion weighing heavy in your own bones despite the fact that you’d done absolutely nothing all day besides write up your report.
“he’s awake…” you mumbled one night, shoko glancing up from where she sat on the couch in your room, typing up her essay on her laptop despite the deadline being three hours ago.
“again?” shoko huffed, “does this guy not sleep?”
you simply hummed once because sometimes he does. when you help him sleep.
it was all too intimate in the worst way possible.
at times, you felt like he lived beneath your skin more than inside his own body.
when you wrapped your arms around yourself, mumbling a go to sleep, somewhere across the city, your soulmate listened.
one emotion you both felt was the soul-tying loneliness.
you understood loneliness, grown up and made friends with it.
it seems he did as well. he dealt with his in a different way than you did yours, though.
it happened late one night when you were halfway through your night routine.
at first, it was subtle, a warmth against your lips.
your movements slowed instantly, fingers hovering near your face as confusion knitted your brows together. what the fuck?
then came another sensation, this time featherlight touches across your jaw.
your stomach dropped because what followed was the most excruciating pain you’d ever felt, exploding through your body so suddenly, your serum bottle slipped from your hands and shattered across the bathroom floor.
and you collapsed with it.
a gasp tore from your throat as agony spread violently beneath your skin, hot enough to make your vision blur. it felt all wrong, burning and suffocating.
you knew exactly what was happening.
he was touching someone else.
you remembered shoko mentioning it once after utahime drunkenly asked too many questions about soulmate bonds during freshman year.
physical intimacy with someone who wasn't your soulmate caused backlash through the bond.
“apparently, it feels awful,” shoko stated, “super painful.”
awful? that fucking liar.
this wasn’t just awful. you felt like you were burning.
you curled against the cold marble tiles, arms wrapped tightly around your stomach as another wave of pain hit hard enough to drag a broken sound from your throat. it felt like being split apart from the inside out as tears blurred your vision.
“stop…” you whispered shakily, though you didn’t know who you were talking to anymore.
him? fate?
the pain built as you continued to feel touches that weren’t yours, warm skin that wasn’t yours.
someone else’s hands against him.
it made you sick.
humiliation mixed violently with heartbreak until you could barely breath through it, till you sobbed against yours hands.
messy and continuous tears soaked your sleeves as you sat on the bathroom floor, fury and devastation clawing through you so violently, you didn’t knwo what to do.
“i hate you!” you choked out as your lungs burned.
you felt the sudden stillness instantly, followed by a hollow feeling in your gut.
it hit your ribs so unexpectedly, your chest caught.
guilt. real guilt.
your expression twisted immediately. that sick son of a bitch.
that only angered you more.
you dug your nails into your palms hard enough to break skin and pain shot through you then, wanting him to feel it, to hurt the way he always made you hurt.
you slammed your first against the tile once, twice then again as your knuckles split open eventually but you barely noticed.
then suddenly…warmth.
you went still, breathing shaking unevenly as the sensation wrapped around you in an unfamiliar fashion.
it was a pair of arms, strong as they held you.
your breathing stuttered as you processed what was happening.
was he…hugging himself? like how you would?
he was holding himself because he didn’t know how else to reach you, to console you.
your anger cracked slightly at the edges because for the first time in years, he felt close. not in his usual worrying or irritating way.
and no matter how much you hated yourself for it, you leaned into it.
because after all, you were just as lonely as he seemed to be.
after that day, even following his piteous attempt at comfort, you were vengeful.
gone were the nights you’d hold yourself, him, to sleep. gone were the late night drawings or the yoga classes, the massages for his sore muscles and the relaxing teas.
gone was your gentleness along with any semblance of hope you had clung onto like snow on mountains.
you fucking hated fate.
∞
“maybe he’s dead.” shoko offered as you glanced up at her from the blaring screen of your laptop, illuminating your face in the darkness.
utahime shot her a look as you sighed gently.
you weren’t sure if her words were meant to console you but you weren’t sure they did.
you hated him, yes, but did you want him dead?
the thought sent a pang up your chest. no, you didn’t.
because you hadn’t even met him yet.
where all your friends had already fulfilled their bonds, you were left pondering the possibility of fate playing a sick trick on you,
“i mean, with all the fights he gets into, i wouldn’t be surprised.” shoko continued, her words trailing off as she caught utahime’s glare.
you shook your head once, ignoring the tightness beneath your ribs, “if he was dead, who the fuck am i feeling every day?”
shoko hummed once, as if pondering the thought, “maybe he’s in hell!”
now, that seemed probable.
rain tapped gently against the windows while blond played softly in the background as you returned your attention back to the half-finished page in front of you.
it was oddly peaceful in a way you weren’t used to. which meant he was either asleep or unconscious.
honestly, both possibilities reassured you equally so.
“you need to leave your castle, princess.” utahime smiled mockingly from her place on your carpeted floor as you rolled your eyes gently, fingers pausing atop your keyboard.
“why?” you muttered, thumb absentmindedly rubbing soft circles against your wrist.
“um, because of human interaction?” shoko dropped onto your bed, arms and legs starfished across the plush white sheets atop your king sized bed.
you rolled your eyes once more, “and you guys are…?”
both girls grumbled at your response making you smile softly, looking back down at your laptop as ani purred from his place curled at your feet.
you did leave your home! how else would you shop? or attend your lectures? or get your sixth coffee of the day?
“there’s a party downtown tonight.” shoko grinned at you genty, practically soft-launching the idea as you scoffed once.
“ew.”
“don’t say ew with that stupid face like you’re old!”
“m’not old,” you shrugged, “i’d just rather do anything else.”
shoko huffed, sitting up on your bed before walking towards your place on the couch, "you always do anything else! you’ve been so down recently, just let us help!”
you almost wanted to laugh. a party wouldn’t help by any means.
instead, you swallowed quietly, looking back down at your laptop.
he had been strangely distant lately, ever the rage-filled psychopath, but quieter somehow. you didn’t know if you liked it or not.
“c’mon,” utahime pleaded, “just one night!”
before you could answer, you felt it again.
a rush of adrenaline flooding your veins so suddenly, your jaw clenched.
the room went quiet as utahime’s expression shifted, “devils dick?”
you sighed inwardly, eyes fluttering shut for a moment.
it was a familiar feeling, hot and electric and so fucking alive beneath your skin. you didn’t want to wait for the pain to follow.
“okay.”
the girls exchanged a look.
“okay?!” shoko exclaimed with a grin as you sighed gently.
“that’s what i said.”
her squeals were met with silence as you tried to calm your-his-breathing.
there was this weird feeling in your gut, deep and carved in stone, like tonight was significant.
it felt almost damning.
∞
an - just a little glimpse into this worlddd! no kuna in this yet so :( but u guys will meet him ch1 !! also this is prob gonna be a shorter seriessss like 6-8 parts!
anyways lmk what u guys thinkkkk and if u want more of this au!
also wanna say i read a fic like 7ish yrs ago on here from @/stuckonspidey, i dont think they're on here anymore but they had a soulmate fic that inspired this that i wrote a while ago sooo credits to themmm i remember loving that fic smmmm! :)
apocalypse - one
undergroundboxer!kuna x reader [soulmate au]
warnings [mdni] - angst | implied trauma | mean sukuna
wc - 7.3k
series masterlist
∞
ryomen sukuna knew three things about his soulmate.
she drank too much caffeine, she slept curled on her side whenever anxiety crawled beneath her skin and whenever she read for hours on end or colored, the noise in his head quieted enough to let him breathe.
it was fucking irritating.
the first time she got under his skin, it was in the middle of his first match.
he’d nearly put his fist through the guy, rage sitting ugly beneath his ribs as blood pooled in his mouth and sweat dripped down his spine.
then suddenly, he was overcome with serenity he’d never experienced before.
a calmness that wasn’t his own, never his own.
something soft slipped beneath his skin then, warm and quiet in a way he wasn’t used to. like somebody had pressed cold hands against the back of his neck after years of burning where he stood.
he’d won that match.
“again?” toji muttered from across the gym, cigarette balanced lazily between scarred fingers.
sukuna rolled his jaw once before slamming another punch into the heavy bag hard enough for the chains overhead to rattle violently.
“fuck off.”
toji smirked, tongue peaking out to lick at the scar against his lip.
the gym smelled like rust, sweat and the metallic ting of blood that both men were used to. it was a shitty set up buried beneath the city in the lower levels of an abandoned parking structure. it barely looked legal from the outside and the inside wasn't much better.
the concrete floors, flickering lights and men all too violent to exist comfortably above ground.
and it was the place ryomen sukuna felt alive.
sukuna had been fighting since he was fifteen and filled with a rage even he couldn’t understand.
toji found him bloody outside a convenience store after some older guys tried jumping him for gambling money.
it was clear they didn’t get the money but sukuna took that fire in his gaze out on them.
sukuna still recalled the way toji looked down at him, droplets cascading down his sharp features and dark hair, damp cigarette hanging from his mouth while blood dripped steadily from sukuna’s split brow.
“you fight like an animal,” toji began, taking a drag of his fading cig before tilting his head at the salmon haired boy, “what if i told you that you could beat the shit out of guys every day and get paid for it?”
a fucking dream is what that was. he gets to utilize his anger and he could finally get out of his father’s house.
how could sukuna even say no?
somehow, it turned into this.
years later, ryomen sukuna had become the name whispered through underground rings across the city. not because he was the biggest or the strongest, but because he was cruel.
there was something deeply unsettling about the way sukuna fought.
controlled, almost lazy sometimes. like violence came so naturally to him that he didn’t even need to think about it.
people feared men who fought emotionally.
they feared ryomen sukuna more because he never did.
most nights, he fought beneath screaming neon lights while crowds chanted his name loud enough to shake the walls.
they bet on him like he was a sure thing and fuck, did he get a shitload of money from it.
he’d leave each night, beaten and bruised with a duffel of cash hanging off his shoulder.
he was living the dream.
that was until he arrived home, in his apartment downtown, and sat in silence while somebody else’s emotions bled quietly into his chest.
a girl he’d never met yet somehow knew like the back of his hand, all too intimately.
he knew she liked coffee because of the bursts of energy he’d feel during mornings where he usually slept in because his fights usually carried into the night.
he knew she did yoga often because his muscles weren’t as sore as they would get when he was younger and god knows it wasn’t his doing. he didn’t stretch nearly as much as toji nagged at him to.
he also knew that she despised him.
that one was obvious.
their bond always sharpened after his fights. her irritation sat bright and hot beneath his ribs every time he came home bruised and bloody.
sometimes he couldn’t differentiate between his own rage and hers.
maybe they were more alike than he thought.
truthfully, sukuna didn’t know how to do things any differently and frankly, he didn’t care enough to.
he hated this whole soulmates shit. why would the universe ever pair two people together with the utmost certainty that they were perfect for each other?
and what fucking masacre did this girl commit to be bonded with him of all people?
violence was the only thing sukuna had ever been good at and he wouldn’t change that for anyone, especially some girl who was almost a mere figment of his imagination.
he did that sometimes. pretended that he was a non-existent and that he was merely hallucinating her.
non-existents made up a very small part of the population and they were essentially humans who didn’t have soulmates. like toji was.
lucky bastard.
sometimes sukuna believed toji was lying because he’d get this distant look on his face some days, kind of like himself when he felt his own soulmate torment him.
so maybe he was a late bloomer?
either way, he was in a better situation than sukuna was.
“your girl’s pissed again?” toji commented dryly from where he leaned against the boxing ring ropes, head tilted with a knowingness sukuna hated.
toji was the one sukuna had to confide in because who else did he have?
when he was overwhelmed as a young teenager about his soulmate, toji would be the one he would reluctantly go to. the older man had taken him under his wing, so yes, he did trust him more than anyone.
he also knew that toji cared about him in his own fucked up way.
sukuna’s knuckles ached tonight, phantom annoyance curling beneath his skin that didn’t belong to him. it was her.
probably studying somewhere in the city while silently wishing death upon him.
the thought almost made him grin.
throughout the years, pissing her off became a hobby of some sort, though he knew she didn’t find it nearly as amusing as he did.
“at least you know she’s got personality.” toji stated once more as sukuna finally stopped punching and turned to shoot the man a glare.
“shut the fuck up.”
toji huffed out a laugh, “god help you both when you finally meet.”
the thought made sukuna freeze momentarily.
it was almost sad.
usually, at least from what sukuna knew, people usually couldn’t wait to meet their soulmates.
then there was sukuna, filled with dread at the mere idea.
sukuna hated even talking about the bond.
he hated how aware he was of her.
because despite everything, the distance and never seeing her to begin with, she felt woven into him already, like a haunting.
some nights, when his insomnia clawed violently at his nerves after fights, he’d feel her wrap her arms around herself beneath warm blankets god knows where.
and sleep came easier those nights.
he couldn’t explain it and truthfully, he didn’t like to think about it.
he hated talking about her because the truth was ugly.
that he didn’t particularly hate her. which is exactly why he knew meeting her would ruin everything.
naturally, his solution was to sabotage everything which is why he started to sleep around with non-existents whenever he got the chance.
and he knew what it did to her.
good. he hoped it made her despise him enough to never want anything to do with him, whether they meet now or twenty years down the line.
sukuna didn’t want anything to do with her.
∞
you hated downtown on friday nights.
it was always too loud and all too crowded.
neon signs bled into rain-slick streets while bass-heavy music spilled from every open doorway along the block.
girls stumbled across sidewalks in tiny dresses and tall heels, drunken laughter cutting through the humid summer night air while taxis lined the streets endlessly.
the city looked beautiful after dark, but you still wanted to be everywhere but here.
“stop looking at people with that judgy look of yours.” shoko muttered beside you, nudging your shoulder lightly as the three of you crossed the street.
“i’m not judging, i’m just looking around…” you defended with a huff as you hugged yourself protectively, little kitten heels clicking against the pavement.
“you are judging,” utahime confirmed, “it’s your classic disgusted and glare-ey look.”
“well excuse me, you’re the ones who brought me to crackhead-ville.” you glared at the two girls as shoko rolled her eeys before hooking her arm through yours anyway.
she pulled you towards the entrance of yet another overcrowded building downtown.
apparently, tonight’s party was being held somewhere above an abandoned old bar. or beneath it.
either way, something you found entirely too ominous but you were too distracted when shoko was explaining to actually disagree.
your soulmate had spent the entire evening restless beneath your skin. not angry but worse.
aware.
you felt him constantly tonight.
a steady pulse of adrenaline humming through your bloodstream that didn’t belong to you.
your chest had felt tight since leaving the penthouse, some strange tension settling low in your stomach like your body was anticipating something before your mind could catch up.
it was unsettling.
you blamed the lack of sleep, or rather, you blamed him. you blamed him for it all.
“ew, ew…” you muttered as shoko pulled you through the door into what you could only describe as chaos.
warmth and noise hit you instantly.
bodies crowded wall to wall beneath flashing lights while music shook violently through the floorboards.
cigarette smoke lingered in the air despite the open windows somewhere deeper inside the space.
you physically recoiled.
“oh my god,” utahime muttered beside you, laughing softly at the expression painting your features, “you look horrified.”
“i am horrified!”
shoko snorted, “rich kids.”
you threw her a glare before the three of you squeezed through the crowd until you reached a quieter section tucked near the back of the room.
a curved leather couch sat half-empty beneath dim red lights, thankfully far enough from the speakers that your skull stopped vibrating the second you sat down.
you exhaled deeply, chest deflating as you blinked up at your friends who were looking at you with amusement.
“drinks?” utahime questioned as shoko nodded eagerly while you merely hummed, shoulders tense as you gazed around the sea of bodies.
utahime disappeared toward the bar while shoko took a seat beside you, the leather beneath you sticky in a way that had you shuddering, sitting at the very edge of the couch.
fuck, you hated this and you couldn’t explain why.
yes, you hated parties in general but you just felt wrong.
“you’re being weird tonight.” shoko observed, eyes narrowed on your tense figure.
you frowned faintly, “i know…i feel weird.”
your skin felt like it was buzzing, chest vibrating in a way it usually wasn’t.
it wasn’t necessarily bad, but simply off.
you felt your soulmate more than ever tonight, you were almost hyperaware.
he felt electric.
every emotion coming from him felt sharper somehow, close enough that you could almost mistake them for your own.
your pulse kept jumping for no reason.
fuck, you hated this.
“is it devils dick?” shoko casually asked as your eyes closed momentarily.
how would you explain that it was both yes and no.
yes, the bond felt different tonight.
but no, it wasn’t muscle aches or phantom pain you were feeling on his end, though you didn't want to speak too soon.
it was a friday after all. friday nights usually meant bruised ribs by saturday morning.
“oh my god, guys!” hime stood before you, handing shoko her drink before placing a water bottle in your hand, “everyone’s saying gojo and his crew are gonna be here!”
your eyes rolled gently, very much aware of utahime’s obsession with those random illegitimate fighters.
underground fights happened constantly throughout the city.
illegal betting rings buried beneath clubs and abandoned buildings, violent enough that respectable people pretended they didn’t exist despite everyone secretly knowing otherwise.
your father even told you how known politicians and well known figures even placed bets they hid from the public.
and lately, there was one name that everyone kept talking about-
“do you think sukuna would show up?” shoko questioned, eyes wide with excitement, taking a sip of her cherry vodka as you looked between the two girls.
ryomen sukuna.
you’d heard it constantly from utahime the past few months.
uathime, shoko, sora and percy often went on double dates to these underground fights you had zero interest in.
you were very much used to fifth wheeling alongside your friends, that wasn’t the issue. the issue was rooted in the prospect of spending the night in a filthy underground boxing ring riddled with people and violence alike. yuck.
still, amongst all the fighters utahime gushed about, ryomen sukuna seemed to be the most known.
the undefeated underground fighter with pink hair and a snake tattoo across his shoulders and collarbones.
people were terrified of him just as equally as they were obsessed with him.
“percy says sukuna knocked his opponent unconscious in under thirty seconds last week!” shoko stated, taking another sip as utahime nodded frantically.
“he’s insane!” utahime gushed, “like, gojo is obviously a show off and just cares about the clout he gets but sukuna? he’s terrifying…”
utahime continued, you were sure. you could see her mouth moving but you didn’t-couldn’t register the words she'd uttered.
the world around you turned hazy, just enough to feel like everything slowed in a way that definitely wasn’t normal.
your heartbeat stopped, not metaphorically, but physically.
a sharp wave of adrenaline crashed violently into your chest hard enough to steal the breath straight from your lungs.
you went still, every muscle in your body tightening instinctively.
you could see both of the girls leaning towards you, brows furrowed in concern, mouths moving and uttering words you knew were dipped in concern. you couldn’t hear any of it.
you swallowed hard, eyes darting up and around you, as if a siren was luring you towards the crowd, come to me, come, come.
fuck, were you drugged or something?
your heartbeat stuttered painfully beneath your ribs, once, twice then again.
you felt like you’d been dropped underwater while everyone else remained above the surface.
the bond felt raw and entirely too overwhelming.
it felt like standing at the edge of something life-altering, like your soul had recognized something before your mind could catch up to it.
for the first time since you’d first felt your soulmate, he didn’t feel far away.
you had grown used to the idea of him, something intangible and not truly real.
merely a ghost haunting the edges of your nervous system, phantom bruises in the middle of lectures and an adrenaline rush at three in the morning.
he was the deep-seated exhaustion that riddled your body but didn’t belong to you.
but this felt real. close enough to touch.
the sensation crawled slowly beneath your skin, winding around your ribs like invisible string being pulled tighter and tighter and tighter until you thought you might choke on it.
the realization hit your bloodstream like a drug.
he was here, you knew it. you could feel it in your bones.
your eyes darted towards the door that had swung open, summer air rushing inside alongside four figures dressed almost entirely in black.
the first thing you noticed was height.
they all carried themselves with the same dangerous sort of confidence, the kind that came from men who had never truly feared consequences before.
one of them had snowy white locks, the tallest of the bunch, bright enough to catch beneath the flashing lights, sunglasses balanced lazily across his nose despite the fact that it was nearly midnight.
another stood beside him, quieter with shoulder length black locks with stretched gauges in his ears and sharp eyes that swept across the room once before settling into bored indifference.
the third one was shorter than the rest but still tall, black locks in two spiked buns with a joint resting between plump pink lips, eyes hooded in a way that exposed that joint not being his first of the night.
they were all attractive in a way that felt almost unfair and dangerous.
people moved out of their path without being asked.
your eyes turned to the one trailing just a step behind them and your breath caught so violently, it hurt.
the salmon colored locks gave him away.
ryomen sukuna.
tattoos curled dark against tan skin disappearing beneath the collar of a black shirt that stretched across broad shoulders.
even from where you stood, you could see the dried blood and bruises across his knuckles.
he looked nothing like what you’d imagined from shoko’s descriptions.
and simultaneously, exactly like it too.
something deep inside you snapped taut, your stomach dropping.
you could tell he was dazed too, jaw locked and eyes blinking at a slow pace, eyes looking around the sea of bodies.
the soulmate bond surged so hard beneath your ribs, you physically recoiled, fingers gripping the edge of the leather couch.
oh god. no, no, no.
oh my god…
“oh my god,” utahime whispered beside you, though unlike you, she sounded impressed rather than horrified.
shoko looked moments away from passing out entirely.
“that’s him!” she breathed out quietly.
you couldn’t answer, breath stilling and hands trembling.
because sukuna had stopped walking.
fuck, the realization came slowly enough to feel cruel.
maroon eyes met your own and the room around you dissolved entirely. the music became muffled noise, lights blurring and the crowd disappeared.
all you could see was him. him. him. him.
he was all you could see, feel and you knew all he could see was you.
sukuna felt it the second he stepped through the doorway.
you.
the bond snapped violently alive beneath his skin hard enough that his entire body locked for half a second mid-step.
he almost thought someone had drugged him until he remembered he hadn’t even drank anything yet.
then what was this feeling?
his eyes locked on yours and he felt the most alive he’d felt in his life.
something even the ring and the violence couldn't offer.
there you were, all too pretty and wide eyed.
he barely heard gojo speak beside him anymore, the lanky man rambling on about some idiot from last week’s fight who apparently called him out on twitter after.
sukuna ignored him completely because across the room sat a girl staring at him like she’d seen a ghost.
and in some ways, he was your ghost.
he haunted you and lived under your skin in ways he was sure you didn’t appreciate in the slightest.
his soulmate.
years of phantom feelings crashed together all at once so violently, it almost made him sick.
because the realization hit him harder than he’d anticipated and yes, he had anticipated this.
the moment he’d meet his soulmate.
well, he dreaded more than anticipated it.
it hit him hard because he realized that he knew this girl.
sukuna had never met you, yet, he bet he knew you more than the two girls hovering over you. more than fucking anyone.
you were the girl whose stress bled into his bones during finals week, the girl who wrapped her arms around herself at night and somehow lulled him to sleep from miles away.
you were real.
and you looked soft.
that was the first thing he took note of.
soft skin, soft wide eyes, soft pink shimmery gloss coating your plush lips he recognized only through phantom warmth he’d felt against his own skin before.
his soulmate was a pretty little thing, so pretty it almost made his chest ache. in your tiny skirt and halter top.
far too fucking pretty to belong anywhere near him.
“sukuna?”
choso’s voice cut through the haze faintly and sukuna snapped out of it, gaze finally leaving hers to glance at his friend who tilted his head towards the other side of the room.
sukuna resisted the urge to glance at you as he made his way across the room.
fuck, fuck, fuck!
this couldn’t be happening, this was a fucking nightmare.
just as he made it across the room, he felt it.
warm fingertips brushing his own skin despite his hands at his sides.
his pulse stuttered once.
his gaze snapped to yours once more and your eyes widened instantly when you noticed his hand drift to his neck where your own hand was resting.
slowly and carefully, sukuna lifted his own hand.
his fingers brushed lightly against the side of his jaw, a barely there touch.
yet, across the room, your breath hitched sharply as warmth bloomed against your own jawline seconds later.
not imagined or coincidence. it was all real, so so real.
your stomach twisted violently.
oh no. no no no no.
shoko was gazing at you, “what’s wrong?!”
you couldn’t answer, eyes stuck on a pair of crimson that held you hostage.
her eyes narrowed as both her and utahime followed your gaze before catching sukuna’s eyes on you.
then they both looked between you both a total of five times before realization hit.
“wait,” shoko whispered harshly, hand shooting out to grip your arm, “WAIT.”
utahime’s jaw physically fell open, “holy shit…”
your heartbeat pounded so violently, you thought you might faint right then and there beneath the flashing red lights.
what you despised most is that it made sense.
of course it was him. a violent and dangerous underground fighter, fuck, that explained everything so perfectly.
if fate was a person, you’d have her by the neck right now.
because sukuna was still staring at you, as if he knew you already and perhaps, he did.
then horrifyingly, he smirked.
and suddenly, you understood exactly why the entire city feared ryomen sukuna.
sukuna moved before he could really think about it, jaw clenched but determined.
one second he stood on the other side of the room and the next, his body was already weaving through the crowd toward you like the bond itself had wrapped invisible fingers around his spine and dragged him to you. you. his soulmate.
people moved instantly to let him pass.
you took note of that immediately.
you noticed the way conversations died around him, the way bodies shifted out of his path and nobody dared touch him, even accidentally.
it was fear, you realized. people feared him.
the recognition made your stomach twist.
“oh my god,” shoko whispered harshly beside you, nails digging into your arm, “he’s coming over here!”
“i can see that.” you hissed back faintly, though your voice barely sounded like your own.
fuck, you should leave. you should absolutely leave.
except, you couldn’t move, body drilled to where you sat, frozen in place while ryomen fucking sukuna rossed the room toward you like some predator chasing prey.
closer and closer and closer.
until suddenly, all his 6’4 glory was towering above you.
your breath caught embarrassingly hard.
up close, he was worse.
taller than you’d imagined and broader too.
there were faint bruises scattered along his jawline beneath the dim lights, on the very spot that you woke up feeling sore. fresh cuts healed across his knuckles.
and his eyes, god, they looked at you with the same recognition burning through your own chest.
sukuna looked down at you for a moment too long.
fuck, you were even more ethereal up close.
that thought hit him first and annoyingly hardest.
his pretty little soulmate sitting curled into the edge of a leather couch looking at him with wide doe eyes, almost expectantly with a mix of fear and restraint.
“hey.”
his voice slid down your spine like smoke.
low, dangerous and rough in a way even your mind couldn’t conjure up.
fuck, was this really happening?
your throat tightened instantly, “hi.”
the word left you horrifyingly softer than you’d intended and sukuna’s lips twitched at the sound.
your voice was his favorite sound, instantly.
“um,” shoko hummed, eyes wide as she shared a glance with utahime, “we’ll give you two a second.”
you almost wanted to yell in protest, but the two girls were already shuffling away, shooting you encouraging looks.
as you glanced up at the dangerous man once more, you felt your heart still in a way you hadn’t ever felt before.
not in fear or apprehension but calm.
he made you feel calm, your body stilling and quieting in a way you hadn’t expected.
regretfully, fuck, you despised it, but when that gentleness overcame you and you looked up at him…
his disheveled pink locks, his handsome rugged features and his dark eyes, all of it was him.
and you felt stupid for trying to deny that this man was your soulmate.
who else would it be?
“i’m sukuna,” he stated lowly, moving to take a seat beside you, leaving an appreciative distance between you, “ryomen sukuna.”
your name left you softly with a nod.
as you gazed at each other, the same realization overcame you both.
even with barely an introduction, you knew each other.
while sukuna had only fond memories of what you’d done for him, your mind was riddled with poisonous ones.
this was the man who often trained in the middle of the night, filling you with soreness and a rush of adrenaline that left you sleepless most nights.
he was the one who fucked other girls knowing what that put you through.
your heart clenched.
beyond all those things, he was the one who hugged himself to sleep after that one night of utter hell.
he was the one who held a hot water bottle to his stomach when your cramps left you nauseated and pained in bed.
as much as you wanted to forget those things, to snap yourself out of the sad patheticness that riddled you, how could you?
how could you when those were the only memories that kept your hope that he wasn’t a total monster alive?
your eyes travelled along his bloodied knuckles, “you get those a lot.”
sukuna’s fists instinctively clenched at the attention.
“and you burn yourself with whatever you do your hair with at least twice a week.”
your eyes widened instantly.
“and you get punched like every other day!”
sukuna’s mouth twitched and you hated how your eyes drifted towards the movement and your heart stuttered.
“barely.” sukuna stated cooly, a small smirk painting his features.
your eyes drifted toward him again before you could stop yourself.
and then you remembered.
every phantom feeling, every sleepless night and every ache.
all attached to him.
the violence, the pain, the girls.
your jaw tightened, "you’re not exactly the best person to be connected to, you know.”
sukuna’s expression didn’t shift much, still cool, but you felt it. the hollow drop in your stomach that wasn’t yours. guilt.
real and immediate, it almost made you laugh in disbelief.
of course he felt guilty, he had to know he was a fucking nightmare.
sukuna leaned back slightly, jaw working once as his gaze flickered away from yours for half a second, “yeah, i bet.”
your brows lifted, “that’s it?”
his eyes returned to yours, low and indifferent.
you scoffed, anger bubbling up so quickly, it nearly startled you, “that’s all you have to say?”
sukuna let out a breath through his nose, “what do you want me to say?”
“oh, i don’t know,” you let out a sharp little laugh that held not an ounce of humor, “maybe sorry would be a good place to start?!”
sukuna’s head tilted, “sorry.”
you stared at him in utter disbelief before a laugh left you once more, this time softer and dripped in something worse than anger, “wow…”
sukuna’s eyes borrowed, “what?”
“you’re unbelievable is what!”
“you asked for sorry.”
“not like that!” you nsapped, voice rising just enough to have your cheeks flushing, “not like you’re apologizing for stepping on my shoe!”
his expression hardened slightly and you felt it immediately, the irritation beginning to curl beneath his skin.
ugh, you hated how the closeness made both your emotions so heightened.
“you have no idea what you put me through,” you continued, voice trembling despite you rbest efforts, “none.”
sukuna’s gaze darkened, “don’t do that.”
“do what?”
“act like i wasn’t there too.”
you blinked at him, something hot and ugly twisting in your chest.
was he for real?
“you were there?” you repeated quietly, “you were there?”
his jaw clenched, “don’t-”
“no, please,” you leaned forward slightly, anger sharpening every word, “explain it to me. because to my knowledge, you were the one making my life miserable while i was the one trying to keep us both sane!”
sukuna looked at you for a long moment, jaw clenching and unclenching. the lights washed over his face in flashes of red, making him look even more unreal than he already did.
“you think i wanted this?” he stated more than asked and your heart clenched.
hurt shot through you, your eyes growing glassy against your will because you knew he wasn’t referring to the pain he’d put you through.
he meant the soulmate thing in general, fate as a whole.
he didn’t want you.
you bit the inside of your cheek, willing your tears to stay in your eyes before breathing out, “no. but neither did i.”
silence settled between you then, not peaceful but loaded.
sukuna could physically feel your hurt and his eyes dropped briefly to your hands where they trembled in your lap.
your fingers curled instantly, too proud as you hid the movement.
it was too late. he’d seen it.
even worse, he’d felt it.
“i didn’t know.” he stated lowly and you froze.
your eyes flickered up, “what?”
his tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek, expression unreadable.
“at first,” he clarified, “i didn’t know what it did to you.”
your chest tightening, knowing what he was referring to and his words didn’t soothe you in the slightest.
“and after?”
in fact, it made it all worse.
especially as he said nothing.
your face fell slightly, all the anger in you cooling into something quieter and melancholic.
“after, you knew.”
his gaze remained on you as his fingers flexed once against his thigh, “yeah, i knew.”
your eyes burned and you hated yourself for it. you hated that it still hurt despite knowing already, you hated that hearing him say it aloud made it real in a way the bond never had.
“why?” you asked, the one word absolutely humiliating as much as it was devastating.
sukuna looked away first and somehow, that hurt too, “because it was easier.”
your lips parted faintly, “easier?”
he lout out a grunt, “if you hated me, you wouldn’t look for me.”
the words settled between you like something deadly.
for a second, you genuinely couldn’t speak.
then you did, “that is the stupidest, shittiest thing i’ve ever heard.”
hsi eyes snapped back to yours, scowling, “careful.”
“oh, fuck you!” you hissed lowly, “you don’t get to do that! you don’t get to hurt me on purpose and then act like it was some noble sacrifice.”
his jaw tightened, “it wasn’t noble.”
“yeah, no shit.”
“it was necessary.”
you laughed once, incredulous, “necessary? well, congrats, you got what you wanted, i absolutely fucking despise you.”
sukuna’s jaw clenched, eyes glaring at you, “good. because you don’t know shit about me, this saves us both the hassle.”
“i don’t know you?” you shot back, “i know you more than anyone, probably. i know your body hurts more often than they don’t. i know you clench your jaw when you’re mad. i know you can’t sleep because of your nightmares and unless somebody practcially forces your nervous system to shut down, you could go days without it. i know you’re so angry at the fucking world, it makes you so hateful.”
sukuna went still, too still.
you swallowed hard, eyes burning once more, “and i know that for years, i was the one cleaning up the damage you left behind.”
his eyes darkened, “cleaning up?”
“yes,” your voice cracked despite yourself, “me. i was the one hugging myself to sleep because you wouldn’t. i was the one stretching every morning because your body always felt like fucking concrete. i was the one coloring like a goddamn toddler at three in the morning because it was the only thing that made your anger stop choking me!”
sukuna said nothing and you hated that even more.
you wanted him to argue back, to answer, to fucking care.
“do you know how pathetic that feels?” you whispered, “taking care of someone who kept hurting me?”
his expression shifted, barely, but you felt it again.
the guilt, even deeper this time.
sukuna looked at you like he wanted to say something cruel and couldn’t quite manage it, settling with, “you didn’t have to do all that.”
your laugh came out watery, tears now trickling down your heated cheeks.
fuck, you felt nauseous, you felt so fucking sick.
“yeah, i know that now.”
something passed across his face then, a flicker of pain so quick, you almost missed it.
but the bond didn’t allow you to miss anything. you felt it bloom in your own chest, sharp and unwanted. his.
for one terrible second, you almost let it soften you.
almost.
because there it was again.
that tiny, stupid sliver of hope you’d spend years nurturing because it was the only thing that kept you mildly sane.
the one that whispered that maybe he wasn't all cruelty. maybe there was something beneath all that violence and pain.
maybe the boy who held a hot water bottle to his stomach when your cramps got bad had to exist somewhere inside the man sitting in front of you.
you looked at him then, through your blurry vision, really and truly looked.
the hard line of his jaw, the coldness in his eyes and the casual arrogance sitting across his shoulders like armor.
and that hope crumbled quietly inside your chest.
not dramatically or all at once, but piece by piece, like something old finally accepting it had been dead for a long time.
utter disappointment filled you then. you should have known better.
this shouldn't be surprising.
sukuna had spent years telling you exactly who he was, painting you the worst image of himself and you had hoped it was just that.
the worst of himself.
except the worst was all of him.
sukuna was cruel. not because he didn’t know better but because he did.
because he’d known what hurt you and decided hurting you was easier than wanting you.
you swallowed around the ache in your throat, suddenly exhausted in a way a thousand years of sleep couldn’t fix.
all you wanted was to be home now, cuddled up with ani in your room alone.
“right,” you whispered, nodding once to yourself.
sukuna’s brows pulled together slightly, “right what?”
you pushed yourself to your feet, smoothing trembling hands over the front of your skirt because you needed something to do. anything that didn’t involve looking at him.
“this was enlightening.”
his eyes narrowed, “sit down.”
the command sparked something sharp beneath your ribs, the thorn twisting in your heart.
you let out a hollow laugh, “fuck you.”
his jaw flexed, “don’t make a scene.”
your name left him then and you hated the way your stomach fluttered at the melody of it in his voice.
fuck, your heart hurt.
because he was your soulmate. yours.
because some sick, twisted part of you had expected the universe to redeem itself when you finally found him.
you expected the first moment to feel like every story you’d grown up hearing, witnessed amongst your friends.
warmth, recognition and relief.
instead, you were standing in front of the man who had turned your body into a battlefield and your heart into collateral damage.
“i hope i never see you again.”
something flickered across his face then and you didn’t stay long enough to decipher it.
you turned around, the crowd swallowing you almost immediately as you walked away.
music slammed back into your skull, bodies pressing close as you pushed through them with shaking hands and blurred vision.
your chest felt too tight, lungs too small for the oxygen your body ached for.
behind you, you felt sukuna rise before you saw it. the immediate pull.
his presence growing closer and your heart stuttered stupidly.
some miserable, pathetic part of you sparked alive at the thought before you could kill it.
maybe he did care.
maybe he was going to take back all the words he regretted, that he would stop you and apologize properly this time.
he would say what you’ve been waiting years to feel.
the thought was so humiliating, it almost made you sick.
“fuck are you lookin’ at?!”
you heard his voice aimed at the crowd of people that were watching you both, probably since your conversation on the couch.
you shoved through the door and stepped into the narrow hallway outside the main room, the music muffling instantly behind you.
the air was cooler here, damp with rain and cigarette smoke, blue neon bleeding through the cracked windows at the end of the corridor.
you took in a breath like you hadn’t breathed in days, eyes shutting as your heart hammered against your chest, trying to simply process everything that had taken place.
“hey.” his voice followed you out and you froze, heart stilling.
stupid, traitorous thing.
you turned slowly, eyes fluttering open.
sukuna stood a few feet away, tall and shadowed beneath the hallway light.
away from the party, he seemed even more dangerous. less like a person and more like a warning your body had spent seven years failing to understand.
he was an enigma.
for one breath, neither of you spoke.
your hope stood there too, fragile and shaking, fucking pitiful.
waiting.
sukuna’s gaze dragged over your face once, catching on the wetness beneath your eyes and his expression tightened faintly.
say it, you thought bitterly.
say sorry! say you didn’t mean it!
say something!
his jaw worked once, “no one can know.”
your brows furrowed, the hope dying cleanly.
“excuse me?”
sukuna stepped closer, voice lower now.
his mouth opened to clarify when his gaze met your own once more.
your wide glassy eyes. your pretty face that was streaked with tears, your plump bitten lips.
the little sniffles that left you, making his ribs ache.
and suddenly, he froze, the words stuck in his throat.
fuck, he had to get it together.
“about this.”
your lips parted faintly, “about us?”
the word us felt absolutely pathetic in your mouth.
all too soft and hopeful. undeserved, even.
something in his eyes shifted at the sound of it but it was gone before you could hold onto it.
“there is no us.”
oh. you actually felt that one.
not through the bond, nor as some phantom ache borrowed from him.
the pain was yours, all yours.
you laughed once, quiet and disbelieving as you took a small step back, “wow…”
sukuna followed you, taking one step forward as his jaw clenched, “listen to me-”
“no,” you shook your head slowly, voice trembling, “no, i think i understand perfectly.”
sukuna’s eyes darkened, “you really don’t.”
“oh my god,” you shook your head, “i can’t believe i thought-”
you stopped, humiliation burning up your throat.
sukuna stared, taking a step closer, his chest now brushing your chin, “thought what?”
his voice was almost desperate and you swallowed, blinking hard, “nothing.”
his face tightened and he felt it anyway, of course he did.
the hope and hurt.
the fact that some tiny, unbearable part of you had wanted him to come after you because he simply couldn’t let you leave.
sukuna looked away first as you took a step back. fucking coward.
“it’s dangerous.” he stated as you stared at the side of his face.
“dangerous?”
“yes.”
“for who?”
his gaze cut back to yours, “for you.”
you almost laugh but he continued before you could.
“people know me and if they know about you, they’ll use you. you make me weak.”
the words landed colder than you'd expected.
sukuna watched you closely, as if waiting for the fear to register and maybe it did.
somewhere deep, deep down, but anger got there first.
“so that’s what this is?” you whispered, tears leaving you without you noticing, “damage control?”
his silence was answer enough and you nodded faintly, tears burning hot once more.
“right.”
“you need to keep your mouth shut about it.”
you flinched before you could stop yourself and sukuna paused, regret flashing through instantly.
“don’t talk to me like that.” you stated lowly and his jaw clenched.
“i’m trying to keep you safe.”
“oh, how big of you.”
the hallway seemed to shrink around you both.
outside, rain tapped gently against the glass.
inside, bass thudded like a second heartbeat through the walls.
you looked at him then, this man that fate had tied to you with an invisible string and cruelty dressed up as destiny. and for the first time since you’d felt him at sixteen, you stopped wondering what it would be like to find him.
because now you knew and god, you wish you didn’t.
it felt like losing something you’d never even had.
“is that all?” you questioned lowly, clearing your throat once.
sukuna stared at you, nose flaring and throat bobbing once, “yeah.”
another piece of you gave out as you nodded, “okay.”
the word was so calm, it made his eyes sharpen.
you turned away, walking past him but his hand caught your wirst before you could take full step.
skin met skin and the bond went silent, completely and utterly silent.
no buzzing or aching or distance.
just him, all warm and real. terribly real.
your breath hitched at his touch. it was the first time he’d ever touched you.
sukuna froze too, fingers wrapped around your wrist like he’d touched fire and couldn’t make himself pull away.
for one second, just one, all the cruelty fell quiet.
and you felt him beneath it, scared and lonely, wanting and waiting.
you felt it and you hated him for letting you feel it now.
slowly, you looked down at his hand then back up at him, “let go.”
his grip tightened by a fraction, “this is the best thing for the both of us.”
your face crumpled before you could stop it.
you pulled your wrist free and this time, he let you.
“oh, trust me, not having to be stuck with you? i couldn’t agree more.” venom laced your words as sukuna’s expression changed, tightened and you felt the hurt then.
sharp and immediate and you were glad for it.
you turned and walked away then, tears streaming down your cheeks and a sob left you as soon as you were out of his vicinity.
for the first time, the bond didn't feel like a thread pulling you closer…
it felt like noose.
∞
an | was so late with this but had the worst past few days so SORRY! anyways PLSSS lmk what u think cuz i'm iffy abt the direction of this BUT this is lowk my fav thing i've written omg! this is kinda like a prologue pt2, next chapters will deffo be longer! i cannot wait to write more of these two and sukuna's a dick but bear w him ! also each chapter in the masterlist will be titled a song and i recommend listening to it while reading for the vibes 🫡
also lowk need toji BAD i wanna give him some lore so lmk if u want a one-shot of him in this au!
apocalypse - two
undergroundboxer!kuna x reader [soulmate au]
warnings [mdni] - angst | sad chapter | mainly reader focused | not much tbh
wc - 8.5k
series masterlist
∞
the days blurred together after the night you met your soulmate.
at some point, winter fell into spring and the cold was officially gone.
you only knew that because the hydrangea outside your balcony had finally bloomed after many mornings you had spent watching and waiting.
everything else looked relatively the exact same. morning sunlight still spilled across your spacious bedroom in soft golden rectangles. ani still slimbed into your bed every morning at precisely eight, curling against your ribs until you reluctantly reached over to scratch behind his ears sleepily.
the city kept moving but you simply couldn’t.
something had changed within you.
you slept more or maybe you just spent more time laying in bed with your eyes closed, because sleep rarely came anymore and it wasn’t because of he who shall not be named. it was simply because your body refused to rest and whenever it did, it was shallow enough that the bond never really let you forget him.
sometimes he’d be awake before dawn, most times he didn't sleep at all. sometimes he’d train until your shoulders ached and sometimes his nightmares crawled beneath your skin just before sunrise.
so, all seems to be well in his world, not much has changed.
the only difference is that you didn’t soothe him anymore.
for years, you’d spent your time doing little things without thinking, the purest intentions nudged forward by the sheer hope that your soulmate wasn’t all bad. gone were the mornings you’d spend stretching, the coloring books you’d purchased to calm him sat untouched on your desk in the study room and you didn’t spend nights hugging yourself to sleep.
it wasn’t even out of spite, at least not entirely. you simply couldn’t bear the thought of taking care of someone who had looked you in the eye and told you that there was no us.
after everything you had done for him.
there is no us.
his voice echoed while brushing your teeth, while making coffee and when you sat your pharmacology exam.
there is no us.
the cruelest part was that your body still betrayed you.
every friday night, anxiety settled beneath your ribs before sunset.
every saturday morning, you woke with bruises blooming beneath your skin that didn’t belong to you.
your soulmate still existed. he still fought and bled and despite everything, some pathetic part of you remained attentive to it, just enough to make sure he was alive.
you hated yourself for that most of all because hope was a difficult thing to kill, especially after you spent years nurturing that very hope.
but you could feel the hope within you die slowly, one disappointment at a time.
“she’s doing it again.”
you blinked slowly as shoko’s voice drifted into focus from somewhere across your apartment.
“hmm?” you hummed as you looked up at the girls who were standing before you in your living room, arms crossed.
“you’ve been staring at nothing for the past ten minutes…” utahime chimed in lowly, “kinda like you have been the last few weeks. ever since that night.”
neither of them asked what happened that night anymore, not because they weren’t curious. after you had remained silent the first ten times they asked, they decided that you would tell them on your own time.
but they had seen enough. they knew ryomen sukuna was something to you and utahime had very quickly concluded that the underground fighter was your soulmate.
they found you at home with swollen eyes and mascara halfway down your cheeks and they knew something inside you had gone frighteningly quiet since.
“i was thinking we’d go shopping today?” shoko questioned, eyes wide and hopeful, a grin stretching her cheeks as she rocked back and forth on her feet.
you had barely left the apartment as of late and your friends were growing extremely concerned, especially at the lack of shopping bags lining your door, as they did every spring sale.
you smiled gently, eyes drowned in grief, “maybe another day, m’feeling tired.”
the girls both shared a look, exchanging glances that spoke volumes, pupils lined with worry and apprehension alike.
you weren’t tired, you were grieving.
you weren’t even grieving a relationship or a man, you were grieving every version of your future you’d quietly built over seven years. the one where fate had known what it was doing, the one where your soulmate looked at you the way the men in your favorite romcoms do.
you had hoped those years of turmoil and sleepless nights meant something, that it would lead to something that would make it all worth it.
truly, the only thing you could think of to describe what you were going through was bella swan in new moon. that one scene that practically shaped your childhood in which she was grieving edward through the seasons, the depression pulling her deeper with each month that passed.
except, you didn’t have edward cullen who’d devoted himself to bella.
instead, fate had given you ryomen sukuna.
a man who had spent years implicitly convincing you he was impossible to love only for you to discover he’d been right.
∞
ryomen sukuna knew anger better than anyone.
he knew the way the emotion would sneak up on him, the way it grasped at his lungs until he shook with it and most of all, he knew how to use it.
that was one of the first things toji ever learned about him.
when he was sixteen, the anger made him reckless and at twenty-three, that same anger made him dangerous.
except, toji didn’r recognize this.
this wasn’t anger, it was something much worse, almost like self-loathing.
the heavy bag lurched violently beneath another punch, then another and another. over and over again. as if sukuna was aiming to hurt himself.
“sukuna.”
sukuna ignored the man, his fist colliding with the bag hard enough that something inside his hand shifted unpleasantly.
it didn't matter, though. nothing did. so he punched it again.
“you’re gonna break your fuckin’ hand, kid.”
sukuna stopped then, chest heaving as he catched his breath. sweat trailed down his chest, shimmering against his tattooed skin till it caught on the fabric of his waistband.
the gym was quiet, not unusual for a tuesday afternoon. most fighters didn’t bother training until evening, leaving only the rhythmic squeak of trainers against worn canvas and the dull thud of sukuna’s fists against the bag echoing through the room.
usually, sukuna liked the silence but lately, he despised it.
the silence only made her louder.
he still felt her, fucking everywhere, every goddamn day.
except she had changed, fundamentally so. before meeting her, the bond had been easy to ignore, to push aside and dismiss as a hindrance more than anything else.
his soulmate was merely an idea, a voice without a face and warmth without eyes.
now? now she was this pretty fiery thing with a pair of doe eyes that he saw everytime he closed his own. fuck, she was the prettiest goddamn thing he’d ever seen and he wished fate wasn’t so cruel to give him a dream when he was a fucking nightmare.
he couldn’t escape her anymore.
“enough.” toji’s voice cut cleanly through the gym as sukuna began punching once more at the mere memory of her devastating features.
toji walked over, caught the heavy bag with one hand and held it perfectly still, muscles straining against his compression shirt.
sukuna glared at the motion, “move.”
“fuck off, ya little shit,” toji scoffed, moving to shove sukuna back and away from the bag and he could see the pink-haired fighter’s nostrils flare in irritation, “get yourself together, you have a fight today, you don’t wear yourself out.”
sukuna merely breathed heavily, eyes deep and almost wounded, cheeks flushed with exertion as toji glared right back.
“you look a fuckin’ mess.” toji muttered with a scoff, taking a hold of the cigarette that rested behind his ear, lighting it quickly before resting it against his pink lips, “your girl?”
sukuna’s jaw clenched at his words as he bit at the velcro strap on his right glove, allowing it to tumble onto the ground before ripping the other one off.
only then did he collapse on the floor of the ring, chest heaving as the adrenaline began washing away, quickly replaced with utter detestation.
not for her, not even for toji but for him. he fucking despised himself.
his eyes were trained on the stained ceilings as the words left him, “she fuckin’ hates me.”
toji remained silent for a moment, taking a drag of his smoke before shrugging, “did you expect any less? you made her life fuckin’ miserable.”
sukuna ddin’t even feel the anger coursing through him at his words because there was none. he was right. toji was completely correct.
she had every fucking right to hate him, hell, isn’t that what he wanted anyways?
he just didn’t expect it to be such a hard pill to swallow, his soulmate hating him.
“that why you’ve been distracted?”
toji’s question made sukuna scoff instantly, eyes shifting to glance at the black haired man.
“distracted?” sukuna scoffed, “i won every fuckin’ fight like i always fuckin’ do.”
toji scoffed, taking another drag, “you’ve taken more hits this month than you have the last two years.”
sukuna’s jaw clenched because toji was right.
“you missed asahi’s left hook last week.” toji continued, voice monotonous and emotionless to anyone that didn’t know him.
but sukuna recognized the edge in his voice and it irked him, “it was a good move-”
toji scoffed instantly, “it was predictable as fuck and you know it. that’s a hit you could dodge with your fuckin’ eyes shut, don’t play with me, asshole.”
toji scoffed, shaking his head as he turned away, walking towards the ropes.
sukuna’s eyes remained on the ceiling, chest clenching in a way he wasn’t used to, a weight that was new or one he’d never noticed before.
and he wasn’t sure why his mouth opened to toji of all people but he did.
“she stopped calmin’ me down.”
toji paused before turning to gaze down at the man whose crimson gaze remained fixed on the crack in the ceiling that toji vowed to fix years ago.
“the nightmares are bad again…and i’m so damn angry all the fuckin’ time…” sukuna’s mouth spoke before he could stop it, “i knew she was takin’ care of me, i just didn’t think-”
he paused then, jaw clenching and nostrils flaring as toji allowed a small sigh to leave his lips.
sympathy wrapped around him at the sight of the young man grieving something he never even wanted. a part of him knew it was sukuna’s fault and sukuna’s fault alone.
the other part of him, the part that had taken the angry sixteen year old under his wing, knew that sukuna didn’t know better. he wasn’t taught better.
all he knew was pain and violence so what would calloused hands do with something so soft and fragile like a soulmate? he was bound to break it.
toji knew this was something sukuna had to do alone, it was growth that he would be forced to go through because toji knew how helpless one could be without their soulmate. and now that the two had met, there was no going back for sukuna and he would soon learn that for himself.
“if you can’t go a day without thinkin’ of her, maybe you’re not meant to be apart…” toji stated lowly in a rare show of wisdom before bringing the smoke to his lips, “tonight, you’re goin’ against gojo again. you know how he is with his elbow, i expect you to fuckin’ see it comin’ this time.”
with that, toji turned and jumped down from the ropes towards his back office, leaving sukuna to mull over the older man’s words.
not meant to be apart?
well, sure, they were soulmates, they were meant to be inseparable. but fate had made a mistake with him by tying an angel to him.
what the fuck did she do to deserve him?
after their meeting, he couldn’t even stomach the sight of another girl.
the others didn’t have her eyes, the mole by her collarbone, the plushness of her pretty lips.
they were all kinds of wrong.
she used to stretch every morning. he remembered because his own muscles always felt strangely light even after a brutal session.
his nightmares also became less frequent around the same time she’d started university.
reading, coloring, coffee, music, warm blankets.
she was all those little things, thousands of miniscule details that he’d never asked for but needed more than anything.
they were things she’d never stopped doing, warmth she never stopped carrying…until now.
slowly, sukuna flexed his aching fingers with a low grimace. everything fucking hurt.
not because he trained harder but because she’d finally let him carry the weight alone.
just like he’d asked her to.
∞
shoko had started letting herself into your apartment way more often.
not because she lacked manners but because you had stopped regularly answering your phone.
she simply had no choice and your spare key that was usually left in the vase by the door was now in her possession.
you heard the front door open somewhere beyond your bedroom, followed by familiar footsteps echoing softly against the marble floors.
“morning, anikan!” shoko’s voice softly greeted the fluffy brown cat guarding your door like a doberman. a sleepy meow followedbefore your bedroom door practically slammed against your wall.
“absolutely not.”
you cracked one eye open.
shoko stood in your doorway, already dressed for her literature lecture in an oversized brown leather jacket and jean shorts.
she narrowed her eyes at your body burrowed beneath egyptian cotton, wide eyes peaking from beneath the duvet before glancing at the blackout curtains.
“dude, it is eleven thirty.” shoko stated, arms crossing as she walked further into your room, socked feet padding against the carpeted floors before stopping at the edge of your bed, “didn’t you have a lecture at nine? you’ve missed a million fucking lectures!”
“i’m caught up.” you groaned into your pillow, pulling your pink throw blanket against your chest, as if it would shield you from her judgmental gaze.
“you watch recordings in bed.”
you shrugged, “yeah, they’re fucking recorded for a reason.”
shoko stared at you for a long beat before her eyes shut, letting out a sigh as if she was mustering up all the patience known to man, “i never thought i’d say this, but i miss your neurotic self when your priority was your damn routine.”
you felt your heart clench gently. you knew she meant well but her words had stung because no one missed yourself more than you.
you missed your discipline, your inability to stay at home all day, your daily walks and the way you looked forward to writing your stupid notes.
dread filled you at the mere thought of leaving the comfort of your penthouse.
you swallowed the lump in your throat, “sorry to disappoint, sho.”
shoko instantly sighed, moving forward to sit at the edge of your bed, hand resting against your waist above the blankets, “what happened? what happened to you? where’d you go?”
the gentleness in her voice almost made you cry, eyes blurring with tears as a lump grew in your throat once more.
you attempted to blink them away but all that did was make it trickle down your hollowed out cheeks, “i don’t feel like myself anymore.”
silence filled the room for a moment as you closed your eyes and buried your face into the blanket.
then shoko’s hand moved up your back between your shoulder blades before moving back down in comforting and warm caresses.
“you don’t have to feel like yourself today,” shoko stated quietly, “you can just pretend, yeah? eventually she’ll come back. come to class with me then we’ll get matcha from that place downtown that you love.”
you felt the knot in your chest loosen just a bit before you peaked up at her from beneath the duvet, red rimmed eyes and all, “the one in chinatown?”
shoko grinned gently, fingers pushing back the strand of hair on your forehead to behind your ear, “yup. they have a new strawberry one for spring.”
shoko’s chest tightened at the way your eyes lit up just the slightest bit, finally shifting the blankes to below your chin, “i know that you’re bribing me but that sounds super good.”
shoko smiled softly, “mhm. they even have this pink cold foam.”
you groaned, “okay, i’m up. give me twenty.”
∞
fourty minutes later, you found yourself walking across campus with your hands crossed against your chest, adorned in a mini slip skirt and a quarter sleeve shirt, feet adorned in a pair of designer flipflops. your face was bare, dark circles beneath your eyes that were hidden behind expensive dark sunglasses, your tote against your side.
the humanities building sat on the opposite side of the university from the science building and you’d never really had a reason to come here besides occasionally dropping shoko or hime off.
it was definitely an older building, tall stained glass windows caught the late morning sun, spilling ribbons of amber across worn wooden floors. shelves upon shelves lined the corridor, overflowing with books and students sat scattered across window seats with books in hand, reading quietly.
you frowned slightly, “this building is so pretty, why is the science one so boring?”
shoko looked entirely too pleased as she smiled, “i told you, it looks like hogwarts.”
by the time you reached the lecture theatre, most seats had already filled up.
“i’ve never seen a lecture so full.” you stated as shoko sat at the very front row, pulling out her ipad as you sat beside her.
“oh, you’ll know why soon.” she giggled softly, turning her ipad on as you furrowed your brows at her ominous words.
just as your mouth parted to question her further a man stepped through the doorway carrying a leather satchel and a ceramic coffee cup.
your eyes followed the man, tall and broad-shouldered, impeccably dressed in a charcoal suit. his blonde hair was neatly styled, reading glasses resting low against the bridge of his nose as he set his coffee carefully on the desk.
he was both extremely attractive and young for a literature professor.
“ugh, he’s so yummy.” shoko shook her head, eyes fixated on the man as her apple pen rested between her teeth.
your eyes furrowed, “does percy know you drool over your literature professor.”
shoko turned to you with a small grin, “mhmm. he joins me sometimes.”
you scoffed with a small giggle as she shook her head once more.
“he’s gorgeous…” shoko sighed dreamily, “professor kento nanami, what a fucking man.”
your eyes turned to him once more, heart stilling when you noticed his gaze already fixated on you. was he mad that you were here when you weren’t in his class?
then he offered a small smile, one that washed away your worries, replacing it with relief. you met his eyes as you offered a polite one of your own.
then you felt it, the subtle creeping of anger, hot and wild, beneath your ribs. fuck, this really wasn’t the time.
your eyes shut momentarily, willing yourself-him-to calm down, simply for your own peace and not his. your thumb momentarily brushed against your knuckles, soft but achingly warm.
professor nanami began speaking then, greeting the class before offering a short briefing about the learning objectives for the lecture.
your eyes were still closed, feeling the anger ever so slowly wash away.
“devils dick?” shoko whispered gently as you merely nodded once, eyes opening once more when the overwhelming sensation dissolved into nothing more than indifference.
“m’fine.” you stated once before shoko merely nodded, sensing your reluctance to speak about it before you both looked back at professor nanami.
he was speaking about symbolism in nineteenth century literature with a calm intellect that somehow made an entire lecture room lean forward to grasp onto every word.
you knew part of it was his achingly handsome features, but his teaching was truly interesting.
“you know he’s a non-existent?” shoko mentioned as your brows furrowed just a bit.
he had no soulmate? it was a bit poetic. the man who read and taught love sonnets and poems would never know the feeling of being tied to one person. of fate choosing someone that was supposed to make you whole, to fit the pieces of you that you didn’t know were missing.
“lucky bastard.” you huffed out, leaning back and crossing your arms as shoko snorted gently.
you believed non-existents were the lucky ones, not the ones with soulmates. because non-existents had the privilege of choice, the ability to love someone intentionally.
that was far more romantic, in your opinion. they weren’t stripped of the choice and forced into obligation. they were free.
six weeks ago, you would’ve pitied him and now, you envied him.
no phantom bruises, no sleepless nights, no wondering whether fate had ruined your life before you’d even lived it.
a type of peace you’d forever grieve.
you looked back towards the front of the room and for the first time in weeks, you wondered what that might feel like.
at that exact moment, professor nanami looked up, hazel eyes meeting yours for a moment, faltering gently before moving on.
he was all professional and brief, but something about his expression lingered and you weren’t sure if you liked it.
the hour lecture had passed relatively quickly, possibly because it was actually interesting.
It was nice. not life-changing but interesting enough to pull you from the fog you’d been living in.
the shopping district buzzed around you, people weaving between boutiques with paper bags swinging from their wrists while the sun beat down on the pavement.
somehow, your little matcha outing had turned into a full shopping spree, courtesy of solely you.
shoko held two shopping bags in each hand, huffing as you made your way out of another boutique, your own hands full of bags as well.
“you did not need another pair of ballet flats!” shoko huffed out as you glanced at her through your dark sunglasses, smiling gently.
“no, i didn’t,” you flipped your hair over your shoulder with a flick of your head, “i wanted it. plus, it was on sale so it was practically free!”
shoko groaned as you began walking down the pavement once more, your eyes already searching for the next place you would inflict damage upon your father’s black card in your bag, “it was still like five hundred bucks!”
you merely shrugged with a giggle at her glare.
for the first time in weeks, the conversation felt easy. not effortless but easier. you were making a very active effort not to think about the reason why your wrist was aching just a bit.
as you both rounded another corner, the familiar green logo across the street caught your eye and you slowed instinctively, “i want a pau chocolate.”
shoko stopped in her tracks, looking up at the bakery before nodding frantically, “yes, please! i need fucking fuel, my feet hurt!”
you rolled your eyes before making your way into the trendy little bakery, daniel caesar playing softly from the speakers as shoko immediately took a seat, shopping bags at her feet.
you laughed gently as she huffed before her screen lit up with an incoming call and you knew who it was from the small smile painting her lips when she caught sight of the name.
“it’s perc. i should take this.”
you rolled your eyes affectionately, “gross.”
shoko grinned, “whatever. i only spoke to him twice today, couldn’t even say goodbye to him this morning.”
you made a face, “please get a hobby.”
“my hobby is my soulmate.”
the words landed heavier than either of you expected, your face dropping just a bit as shoko’s smile faltered almost immediately, “s-sorry-”
you instantly forced a grin, scoffing out a laugh that was equally as forced, “ew, don’t apologize, you’re good. i’m gonna grab our pastries, you take the call.”
shoko instantly shot you a smile before accepting the call as you moved to stand in line, faintly listening to the uncharacteristic softness in shoko’s voice.
a familiar ache settled beneath your ribs, a bitterness you despised. not jealousy but longing. you wished you had what percy and shoko did.
once, that would’ve been you.
you shook your head softly before reading the menu on the wall despite knowing exactly what you wanted.
“i wouldn’t suppose you’d have any recommendations for me, would you?”
you turned instantly and your lips parted at the sight of professor nanami stood behind you in the queue, a neatly folded newspaper tucked beneath his arm.
a newspaper? how old was this guy?
it was a bit endearing, though.
he looked oddly out of place outside campus, less professor and more…man. his tie had been loosened slightly, sleeves rolled neatly to reveal his veiny forearms.
you smiled softly up at him, “unless you have a raging sweet tooth, i wouldn’t take my recommendation.”
his lips twitched upward a bit, “hmm. i wouldn’t have guessed.”
you merely tilted your head, wide eyes fluttering up at him with a gentle smile.
“i don’t believe i’ve seen you in my lectures before,” he spoke once more, “you are not one of my students, right?”
you shook your head, “no, i was just sitting in with a friend. i’m in pharmaceutics.”
“i thought so,” he hummed thoughtfully, “i would have remembered y-”
he cut himself off, a flush of pink coating his cheeks as your breath hitched gently, heat crept into your cheeks despite yourself.
“i-i didn’t mean-” he began as you shook your head, a small giggle leaving your lips.
he seemed instantly relieved to hear your laugh, lips tilting up as his blush deepened and it was almost...cute.
“you’re very-um-” nanami paused momentarily as your head tilted, eyes expectant as you waited for his next words, “you just-”
your brows raised just a bit when he stopped himself once more, almost stumbling with his words, uncharacteristically unsure before sighing gently.
“i never do this and please feel free to decline,” he began with soft eyes, almost hopeful, “but i know this great dessert place downtown, they make excellent pastries as well.”
there was a tiny pause, momentary before he continued, “would you want to…may i take you there?”
your heartbeat stilled, not because of the fact that this was nanami but because it wasn’t sukuna.
nanami’s eyes were gazing down at you, open and honest, so sweet, it made something in you squeeze at the thought of crushing that expectant look in his eyes.
your lips parted before your eyes shifted to glance at shoko who was giggling into the phone with percy.
soulmates.
the word felt bitter now and your eyes drifted back toward nanami and his kind, patient eyes.
the sort of man you stayed up hoping for when you were just a girl, the sort of man you hoped fate would tie you to. not a violent underground fighter or someone who broke your heart before he’d ever held it.
maybe it didn’t have to be that way. maybe love wasn’t something you have to stumble into, maybe you could make a choice.
maybe this was how broken hearted people moved on.
or possibly…some wounded, childish part of you wanted sukuna to feel exactly what you felt for years.
the very thought made you feel sick but it didn’t disappear.
nanami waited patiently without rushing you. he didn’t attempt to fill the silence and didn’t try to assume your answer either. he almost waited for the mention of your soulmate, the rejection he was accustomed to and fully understood.
“okay.”
the word left you quieter and more hesitant than you’d intended.
nanami’s eyes widened just a bit, “oh, uh, are you sure?”
you silently scolded yourself for the lack of certainty in your voice, immediately smiling reassuringly with a small nod, “yes. yes, i would love to.”
nanami’s expression warmed, not triumphant, but almost relieved.
“amazing…” he smiled warmly, “i can pick you up on friday?”
you nodded with a gently grin, “friday. here, put your number in.”
nanami grinned as you handed him your phone, cheeks flushed as he typed in his digits before handing you your phone once more, “i’m looking forward to it.”
you blushed softly as you smiled a bit, “me too.”
nanami nodded once, still adorning a soft grin as you both made small talk as he ordered and paid for your pastries which you thanked him for.
soon, he excused himself politely, kissing your cheek softly before walking away, leaving you standing there with a strange mix of emotions. the most prevalent among them all was guilt.
you were feeling guilty.
you almost wanted to scoff and shake yourself to sense. you were doing nothing wrong.
if your manwhore soulmate could sleep with other people, you could go on as many dates as you wished, even sleep with them if you wanted to.
you quietly grabbed your tray and walked over to shoko, taking a seat on the table just as she closed the call.
were you seriously going on a date? a date?
the mere thought sent you into a spiral that shoko’s voice instantly breached, “were you talking to professor nanami?”
shoko’s brows were furrowed, both at the sight of you talking and the unsure expression on your face.
“mhm…he, um, he…asked me to go out with him on friday.”
the revelation had shoko’s jaw dropping instantly, eyes searching your face for any sign of you messing around with her.
“professor nanami….asked you out….on a date?”
you merely nodded your head, grabbing the pastry on the plate and taking a bite of the buttery delicacy, a bite larger than you could handle as you chewed slowly, occupying your brain with chewing instead of spiraling.
shoko’s eyes were still wide, jaw somewhat slack, “oh my god…”
you simply shrugged despite the war taking place inside of you.
half of you wanted to run after him and tell him you couldn’t go out with him, that despite the devastation of it all, you did have a soulmate and even though you, so badly, wanted revenge, you simply couldn’t stoop that low.
the other part of you longed for the feeling of being wanted. sukuna had spent years making you feel impossible to love and nanami had known you all of sixty minutes and decided to take a chance.
both parts of you were rooted in a sadness so deep, your stomach churned at the mere thought of moving on from your soulmate. and shoko could see it.
“are you sure, babe?” shoko asked lowly, eyes furrowed as she leaned closer, “you just don’t seem like you’re in the right headspace for this…maybe wait-”
you shook your head once, “i won’t spend another second grieving someone i never had, someone that doesn’t even want me.”
shoko’s eyes widened just a bit as you revealed more than you have the past few weeks. she wasn’t sure what happened at that party but she knew that ryomen sukuna had killed something in you that night, a light she so desperately wanted to see glint in your eye once more.
so with that, she nodded instantly, “we’re gonna need another dress.”
∞
the days blurred as they tended to lately. soon enough, friday had come and the dread swallowed you whole.
shoko and hime had both attempted to distract you all week to make sure you wouldn’t overthink your decision, however, your thoughts could only show mercy for so long.
every feeling of sukuna reminded you of him, of what you’d agreed to, of what you lost.
by six thirty, you had completely regretted saying yes.
“you changed your outfit four times.” utahime huffed out, arms folding over her chest as she sighed.
“five.” shoko corrected from where she sat beside her, cross legged on your bed with ani on her lap, scrolling on her phone with much more patience than utahime.
“i don’t know what to wear!” you sighed, looking around your walk-in closet with exasperation.
utahime blinked, “since when?”
“you always know what to wear.” shoko furrowed her brows as you huffed gently, leaving the closet to take a seat on your vanity, shoulders slumped as your eyes fixated on your fuzzy socks.
“i’ve never been on a date before.”
silence filled the room before you heard both girls shift.
“this isn’t about the clothes.” utahime stated with certainty and your wide eyes glanced up at them.
no, it wasn’t. of course it wasn’t.
you turned to face the mirror, your hair already gathered up in rollers, still clad in your baby blue pyjamas. your eyes met through the mirror, bags under the delicate skin as your reflection stared quietly back.
you could barely recognize yourself.
you always thought yourself to be strong, the thought of crumbling over a man seemed absolutely absurd to you. yet here you were, already practically shattered because of someone who couldn’t care less whether you lived or died.
horror filled you as your reflection grew blurry through the tears pooling in your tired eyes.
“i just…” your voice shook, “i always thought-i didn’t think this is how it would end up.”
the tears left you before you could control it, trailing down flushed cheeks and dull skin, something heavy thumping against your ribs so hard, you wanted to scream.
utahime and shoko watched from their place in your bed, brows furrowed in sympathy as they watched you break at the prospect of living without your soulmate.
you’d spent years fantasizing about what meeting your soulmate would feel like, despite the absolute nightmare he was. you thought of your first everything, but you were always particularly fond of the idea of a first date.
the idea of getting dolled up and running late, of the doorbell ringing and your soulmate standing there with fresh pink peonies because he knew they were your favorite. you thought of how his eyes would widen in awe at the sight of you, who’d reach for whose hand first, who’d kiss who.
ryomen sukuna had crushed more than your hope that day, he stomped on your dreams, on what you believed happiness to be.
something inside of you shifted that night, something was lost and you didn’t know how to get it back.
shoko stood and without saying anything, she crossed the room and gently wrapped her arms around your shoulders from behind, “hey. you don’t have to do this-”
“yes, she does.” utahime stated bluntly despite her clenched jaw at the sight of your anguish.
shoko narrowed her eyes at hime from the mirror, “shut up, hime!”
utahime scoffed, walking into your closet and rummaging through your clothing, “she’s fucking going and she’s gonna have a blast.” she then stepped out with your favorite backless navy silk dress, “because if you don’t then you’re choosing someone who doesn’t choose you.”
the room fell painfully quiet, her words landing right where your ribs ached. shoko tensed from behind you before standing up, her hands still on your shoulders as she glared at utahime.
“are you ser-” shoko began but you were quick to cut her off, sniffling gently before gazing at your reflection once more.
“you’re right,” you breathed out, wiping your cheeks before grabbing your primer, “kento is great, he’s super sweet…” both of the girls watched you expectantly so you turned to gaze up at them, “i just wish…”
you didn’t let the words leave you and they didn’t need to hear it because they already knew.
you wish it were him.
∞
it was ten minutes before seven when your phone buzzed with a text from frankie, the concierge, a sweet old man whom you’d known since you were a child.
frankie: there’s a man here for you, sweetheart. should i send him up?
you quickly sent him confirmation to allow nanami up, thanking him before looking up at utahime and shoko who were watching you brush through your bouncy blowout, “he’s downstairs.”
a gasp left shoko loudly, “he’s early! ugh, he’s such a man!”
and a man, he was.
professor nanami seemed like the sort of man who would arrive early. he was eight years your senior, mature and kind, both traits you had picked up on from your occasional texts throughout the week.
he’d texted you first that same night he asked you out, all polite and formal as he introduced that it was him and asked if you were still okay with the date.
you remember giggling gently at his professionalism before assuring him that you were looking forward to it. he texted you here and there since then, simply asking questions to gauge what restaurant to choose for the date and your overall vibe.
“you literally look unreal.” shoko stated with a shake of her head as you gazed at the full length mirror in your living room.
“he’s gonna faint.” utahime stated, taking a sip of the tea she had helped herself with.
your dainty hands smoothed at the expensive fabric of your dress, the silk hugging you in all the perfect places, backless with a little silk scarf resting against your neck.
a pair of silver heels adorned your feet and a matching clutch in hand.
you did look pretty, at least prettier than you had the past few weeks. you tried to ignore the way the dress hung off you looser than it had weeks ago, collarbones more prominent than usual.
the doorbell rang once, snapping you out of the spiral you were quickly falling into.
you turned to the girls, eyes wide, “go! shoo! don’t let him see you, he’ll think i’m pathetic!”
shoko and utahime both giggled before running over to the door, standing right on the side so they were on the other side of the door when you opened it.
a huff left you but you knew that was the best they would offer and you took it.
your heels clicked as you made your way to the door, taking a deep breath before pulling it open and there he was.
nanami was standing tall in dark trousers and a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled neatly to his forearms, revealing skin void of any ink, defined and smooth.
your heart clenched when your eyes drifted to his hand. he was holding a small bouquet of pink peonies.
his eyes found yours instantly when you looked up and for a second, you could see the nerves buzzing under his skin before he smiled shyly, “you look lovely.”
lovely. not pretty or beautiful but lovely. somehow that was even sweeter.
your throat tightened before forcing out a soft smile, “thank you.”
he glanced towards the flowers before holding them out to you, “i remember you said you loved spring because of the pink peonies around the other day so, uh, here.”
you felt your heart tighten as a soft laugh left you, “they’re beautiful, thank you so much. let me just put them in water really quick then we can get going.”
nanami merely nodded as you took ahold of the flowers, allowing the door to shut just to see shoko and utahime silently squealing behind the door.
“he is so cute!” shoko whispered as you slapped her arm.
“shut up, he’s right there!” you whispered back as utahime merely grinned.
“you got your flowers.”
you paused momentarily, shoulders tensing as you swallowed gently.
yes, you did get your flowers, peonies and all.
why was the heavy feeling still lingering beneath your ribs?
you had spent years imagining this and somehow, you got almost every detail right.
except the man behind the door.
you shook your head at the thought before holding out the bouquet to the girls, utahime grabbing ahold of it, “put them in my mom’s crystal vase on the counter, please.”
both girls gave you a thumbs up, grinning in encouragement as you opened the door once more, nanami immediately meeting your gaze.
“ready?”
you nodded with a soft smile, “yup.”
“great. bye girls.” nanami called out, amusement lacing his words to the girls who you could so clearly hear shuffling behind the door. your cheeks flushed as you shut the door.
“have fun!” shoko yelled.
you were quick to lock the door, placing the keys in your clutch before turning to the man, “sorry about that.”
nanami merely chuckled deeply, offering his arm, unassuming and sweet.
you hesitated for the briefest moment before gently looping your hand through it, his arm tensing almost imperceptibly. he was nervous.
the realization made something ache quietly inside your chest.
he wasn’t ryomen sukuna, all untouchable and feared.
he was simply a man hoping tonight would go well and for some reason, the revelation was so endearing, you found yourself shifting closer to him as you made it to the elevator.
“do you live here all alone?” nanami questioned as he pressed the lobby button.
you hummed gently, “technically, my parents live here as well but they just travel a lot, so i’m on my own more often than not.”
nanami gazed down at you, “i mean, it’s a beautiful building…does it not get lonely?”
you sighed softly before shrugging, “i mean, yes and no. i love being alone and hanging out with myself, and i’m kind of used to it. but sometimes…sometimes i wish it wasn’t so quiet. but my friends are over a lot anyways.”
and your soulmate never truly let you feel alone, he lived under your skin.
but nanami didn’t need to know that.
nanami merely hummed in acknowledgement, the rest of the lift ride passing in comfortable silence, neither of you seemed particularly eager to fill it with meaningless conversation.
when the doors opened into the lobby, frankie looked up from behind the reception desk almost instantly.
his weathered face lit into a smile, “well, don’t you look like a million bucks, sweetheart.”
your cheeks warmed as you grinned at the man, “hi frankie.”
the older man looked between you and nanami before his eyes settled knowingly on the bouquet now missing from nanami’s hands, “got ya flowers, huh? peonies too.”
nanami cleared his throat politely, hand moving to rest lightly on your back, “i thought it was appropriate.”
frankie chuckled, “what a gentleman. you take care of her, huh?”
you blushed softly, “frankie!”
the man simply chuckled as nanami offered him a smile before leading you outside, the spring evening beginning to settle over the city. the air was warm enough that the city seemed to glow beneath strings of lights and illuminated storefronts, but a chilled breeze made it so nanami’s hand was warm against your bare back.
nanami walked beside you at an easy pace, matching your stride, conscious of the difference in height as your legs were much shorter than his own.
“i hope you don’t mind walking.” he stated as you immediately shook your head.
“not at all, i love walking.”
nanami smiled gently, “the restaurant isn’t far.”
you merely hummed in acknowledgement as another comfortable silence fell upon you.
“i should confess something.” nanami broke the silence as you looked over at him curiously, “i’ve never done this before.”
your head tilted, “gone on a date?”
he smiled faintly, “asked a student on a date.”
you couldn’t help but laugh softly, “that does sound like an important distinction.”
“i thought so…” he glanced at you briefly, “i’’ve spent the entire week wondering whether it was wildly inappropriate.”
“and?”
“i’m still undecided…but willing to take the chance.” the blonde man nodded once, cheeks warm as you smiled softly.
“well, if it helps, i’m not your student.”
“that’s exactly what i told myself.”
another laugh escaped you, this time real and true, easier than the last.
it surprised both of you and nanami didn’t comment on it. he simply looked ahead again, a small smile lingering on his face. he liked hearing you laugh.
the rest of the walk was easier, blanketed in comfortable conversation and warmth.
∞
kento nanami was a dream.
he was chivalrous, pulling your chair out and opening the door for you. he was kind and attentive, grasping every word that left your mouth like you were revealing state secrets. and he was so handsome, it kind of ached to look at him.
the dinner couldn’t have gone better, filled with easy conversation, soft laughs and gentle touches that were more comfortable than expecting.
the little italian restaurant was gorgeous, candlelit and dimmed. the food was absolutely amazing and he insisted you try some of his seabass.
by the time nanami walked you back to your building, the city had long since quieted. the rush of evening had softened into something gentler, streetlights reflecting across the dark pavement while the occasional taxi rolled lazily down the road, headlights cutting through the breeze.
“i had a lovely evening.” nanami’s voice was as steady as ever, hands in his pockets as you both stood outside the doors.
you looked up at him, a small smile painting your glossy lips, “i did too.”
and you had. that was the worst part.
there hadn’t been a single awkward silence, not a moment where the conversation dulled.
nanami smiled warmly, “i’m glad. can i call you tomorrow?”
you felt your stomach twisting as you nodded, “i’d like that.”
his eyes searched yours for a moment before leaning forward to place a chaste kiss against the warmth of your cheek, “goodnight.”
you blushed gently, “goodnight, kento.”
nanami offered one last grin before stepping back and walking towards the darkness. only when his figure was swallowed by the night did you step inside.
the lobby was quiet which made sense, as it was almost midnight.
frankie looked up from behind the reception desk almost instantly, reading glasses balanced low on his nose as he looked over the evening newspaper.
“i showed you how to check your news on your phone, frank.” you grumbled as you leaned down to unclasp your heels, stepping out of them onto the cool flooring.
his face brightened, “there’s my girl!”
you smiled gently, holding the straps of your heels in hand, “hi frankie.”
“how was the date with blondie?” he questioned casually, setting the paper down, offering his full attention.
you couldn’t help but take note of his hopeful tone, like he already knew the answer he’d wanted.
you sighed gently, walking over slowly before resting your elbows against the polished marble desk the way you had since you were little enough that you could barely see over it.
“it was…” you searched for the word, “really nice.”
frankie smiled, “knew it would be.”
you nodded, “he opened the door and pulled out my chair and everything.”
frankie smiled amusedly, “oh?”
“mhmm…” you sighed sleepily, “i only mentioned the pink peonies once when we were texting and he brought them.”
frankie let out a low whistle, “impressive.”
you laughed softly, eyes shutting as the silence that followed stretched just a little too long.
frankie’s smile faded first, “you seem pretty sad for a girl who went on a really nice date.”
your eyes fluttered open, meeting his own dark ones, “i thought if it went perfect, i’d feel better.”
frankie’s brows furrowed gently, “he not the one?”
his question was heavy, lingering between you for a moment because you simply didn’t want to utter the words.
“no. he’s not my soulmate.”
frankie’s shoulders deflated as he shook his head, “figured.”
your eyes grew watery before you could stop it, “i really wanted him to be enough.”
frankie reached across the desk and laid one weathered hand over yours, thumb rubbing gently across the back of your hand.
“i spent most of the night thinking that this is what my soulmate should’ve been like.”
the words hung heavily between you and frankie’s expression shifted to something sadder, full of understanding.
“devils dick can suck a dick for all i care.” frankie huffed out and you couldn’t help but let out a watery giggle.
shoko had told frankie to refer to your soulmate as devils dick when you were seventeen and he hadn’t strayed from it since.
“he didn’t want me.” you confessed lowly, almost a whisper and frankie almost missed it if he wasn’t so focused, “i just thought it’d be different. like you and luanne.”
frankie smiled at the mention of his wife, “luanne and i hated each other when we met.”
your eyes widened, “are you serious? you told me it was love at first sight, that you’d eloped the night you met.”
frankie shrugged gently, “you were seven, i didn’t wanna crush your dreams.”
your brows furrowed, huffing as you walked behind the desk, taking a seat on the desk facing him.
“why did you hate each other? how? i mean, you’re both so obsessed with each other, it’s gross.”
frankie chuckled a deep chuckle as he leaned back in his chair, “when we first met, she worked at this diner i walked into. i remember that i swore i’d never marry her. she called me an arrogant prick.”
you snorted, “real.”
“she was so angry at me, she started throwing bread rolls at my head.”
that earned him another giggle, soft and real.
frankie smiled, “point is…life has a funny way of provin’ stubborn people wrong.”
you looked at him for a second before your smile faded, “i don’t think sukuna’s stubborn. i think he’s already decided. he seemed pretty sure when he basically told me to fuck off.”
frankie frowned, “i’ll kill him.” you looked down with a soft sigh, “either way, it’ll work out. sometimes fate asks for a lot more patient from you than she ever should.”
your shoulders slumped, “i don’t think i have any patience left.”
frankie’s heart squeezed, recalling the years he’d watched you feel your soulmate, the nights you came down already on your fourth cup of coffee because he’d kept you up. he’d seen you shut your eyes and blow out candles during every birthday, knowing all you’d wished for is for your soulmate to be good.
he’d watched little pieces of you shape themselves around someone you’d never even met. and now, he was watching those same pieces fall apart.
you glanced at him with a small sigh, “i should head to bed.”
frankie sighed gently, “alright, sweetheart. call me if ya need anythin’.”
you nodded softly, leaning over to press a kiss to the old man’s wrinkled cheek, “night, frank.”
“night, kid.”
your bare feet padded softly as you made your way to the lift.
and somewhere across the city, another man laid awake for the sixth week in a row.
and neither of them knew that the other was also grieving.
∞
an | oops finally! chapter is v reader focused but next chapter will be the reunion ahhhhhh also SMUT omg ! this is kind of a transition chapter to show the grief cuz i know yall want the reader pissed but she's just a girl and she is GRIEVING so leave her alone !!!!
gonna try to get apocalypse posted either today or tomorrow BUTTTT before iamb, i’m gonna write either a kuna or toji x bartender!reader one shot cuz i cant get the concept out of my mind 🫡
