like, i realise my parents want very much to be close to me (since my eldest bro has fucked off, lucky him, and they're having trouble communicating with my second bro)
although the intent is good
and i have enough people telling me i'm a piece of shit for not liking perfectly decent parents
it's not like i don't want to like them
they've been chipping away at my insides bit by bit, for years
i've been emotionally neglected for more than a decade
i've been isolated throughout my life because of family feuds and moving and sending me to school in the next city over
i was beaten up constantly by my brother and we've only become civil when i turned 17
literally being away from them was the only way i've been able to finally be who i am, and be happy
when i was back in malaysia for that one year after i graduated
that house, the people in it, the community, everything was suffocating
like yes, i am a fucking piece of shit
i didn't want to be this way
i'm afraid i'll stay cooped up in malaysia for the rest of my life
i'm friends with people who experience and love KL like it's the heartbeat of their lives
and i wish i had that love
i don't care about any of it
i am a fucking piece of shit, and i'm one that's not marginally talented or motivated enough to be in demand, so i'm not financially stable or independent, and i'll still have to rely on malaysia
do i love the us or the uk?
but it's what i know apart from malaysia, and it's been liberating in a lot of ways
and i'm not selfless enough to want to change malaysia because it's so FUCKING HARD
and THAT'S why i want to leave
in short: i am a piece of shit, i know it, but i can't help feeling this way. i wish i completely despised my family so it could be easier, but i don't. but i don't completely love them either, so where the hell do i stand?
