Contest Submission; Make Me Laugh
A houseboat captain once taught me that writing an award winning essay is three easy steps but one must approach it from a unique angle. To write the perfect essay one must first set up for success. Start with a straight posture, think Uppercase Thoughts, keep a very gaudy coffee near by
(Funny story: I once walked into a barber shop in Argentina and the barber asked if I wanted a coffee to which I replied, “Cortado” Which indeed is a coffee but also means chopped up in Spanish and I realized he was asking about what haircut I wanted and everyone laughed at me.)
then hold out both pinkies and get ready to Uni-go get ‘em! Next is to pick a topic. You’re inclined to think writing about how much you LOOOOVE fire sprinklers, or how much mint chocolate chip is SO you. These are all FALSE. As my Dad said on my wedding day, “Keep ‘em surprised and the enemy will never know your next move.” He ended up passing away that night. His houseboat got unhitched and he drifted off into pirate waters. You see, the trick is to write something so esoteric off-the-wall you make Unigo think THEY’RE wrong. What mobile app would Benjamin Franklin use? No! Try deciphering this 2,200 word diary of incoherent scratchings about how Monsters Inc. is actually an allegory about The Bolshevik Revolution. The funniest incident that ever happened to you? How about good luck getting this heap of lies on a scale of 1 to 10. As my Mom said on my wedding day, “Your Father thinks he’s still in the Vietnam War, I’ve found a way to get rid of him forever.”
On Topic? Hardly.
Grammar? "No!” Is not a complete sentence.
Original Idea? MArgRET ComE QUICK We have a WINNer!!!












