University Scares Me.
I did a year before I began community college and I am terrified about going back.
My mental health was abysmal. I latched on to anyone I could find that would make me feel like I was okay and I did anything but study.
I was a good student in high school, I swear. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I think I’m pretty smart. I ruined my first year of university. My GPA was a stunning 1.6 when I left. I took two years off and got my sh*t together and started over and I am much happier now. I’ve gotten straight A’s and one disappointing C, but in two semesters I will be transferring back to that same school.
To be honest, I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t think that I can sit in the same classrooms that I went to out of necessity, knowing I had turned almost nothing in and was doomed to fail. Even now, I can’t even drive past the dorms that I lived on while I slept away my college education in a pile of zero motivation without crying.
Now, I have direction. I know what degree I want. I know roughly what Master’s degree I hope to obtain after that. I know that I’m leaving Alaska after I get my Bachelor’s but I really can’t come to terms with the fact that I have to go back to that place.
I’ve been considering continuing the online path. I’ve been doing all of my community college work online while working two jobs and it’s been okay, but part of me wants to try again to have a real college experience. I guess it’s human to be afraid of failing. Especially to be afraid of failing at the exact same place I failed to terribly just two years ago.
How do you deal with coming face to face with one of the things you are most ashamed of?