Confessions of the “Strong Friend”
Something I have learned this year is that being the designated “go-to” friend isn’t always beneficial. Being the strong friend with all of the advice can come at a cost of people forgetting I need support too. Being essentially seen as “better” than others can cause insecurities to be projected onto me.
Despite my purposeful efforts to avoid this, it’s inevitable. I’ve always been ahead in life..I’ve always accepted that I will constantly be further along in my healing journey than some. My calling from a young age involves being a healer. However, being a healer means I have to heal myself with the same intensity I freely give to others.
I had to learn this year that everyone isn’t “bad” or “good”…people just…are. I realized I need to see people in a more nuanced way. Morality isn’t so black or white. People are just fragments of their past, and their personality is, ultimately, determined by their perspective of the past and willingness to pick up the pieces.
I had to learn that some people don’t mean well at all…some people are genuinely manipulative. It hurts realizing my genuine intentions can be manipulated. People are inherently selfish, and a lot of them may remain that way. And while it breaks my heart constantly, I had to let those people go…I learned to allow people to be that way and take myself out of the equation as I grow mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.
I had to learn to stop absorbing occurrences in which my advice was sought out, but not followed. I had to set a boundary regarding my capacity to take in problems that are not my own. I had to realize going past my limit made me feel resentful over time.
It gets frustrating realizing that some people will have to learn the hard way. I care so much about them that I literally can’t see how they don’t see their own potential. I had to tell myself this year: I can be a part of their transformative journey, but it isn’t my responsibility to walk steps for them… to impose my will on them to get them to have an epiphany.
Some people don’t ask for my wisdom because they want to change, they ask because they want to hear themselves talk. In that case, actively listening is the only thing I can do. I can’t save someone from their own complacency, and by trying to, I enable them further to remain stagnant. I cannot change anyone… people truly have to change on their own…no matter how bad that looks.
I can inspire change by changing myself. It’s not my job to problem solve if I’m not asked to. And when I’m asked to, I have to make a personal boundary to avoid enmeshment and break trauma bonds.
Being highly sensitive, I truly feel anyone’s problems…and there is much difficulty in finding a balance. I have to check in with myself, and I have to let go of people that cross boundaries by not checking in with me.
I had to learn to just say NO to someone’s perpetual victimhood…no matter how unintentional it may be. To distance myself when I am disrespected and used.
To say: “I appreciate you sharing this with me”
To say: “What do you need from me (within reason)”
To say: “I currently don’t have the resources to help you with this problem”
To say: “That’s fair. I understand how difficult that must be (and end it there unless asked).”
I am learning to accept that so many people are hard wired to complain. People complain to bond with others.
I had to understand that I attract personalities that refuse to change that. And no matter how hard that is for me to grasp, I have to learn how for my own well being.
For my own personal development, I will no longer dishonor myself by trying to fight someone for their healing. Next year is the year of “ME”.
