I feel nervous. As I log in finally, after forgetting and then recalling the credentials; I feel like a thief logging into someone else’s account and publishing their thoughts. Why? because ‘they’re’ scared to do themselves. About more than a hundred and eighty seven times I’ve ranted and wailed and then adjusted to the functions of nature and life; Of all of them, the one which I’ve always been skeptical about is ‘Change’. YesI’vechangedandblahblahandmoreblahblah. But today, what I go through is very different from the changes I’ve been feeling all these years.
This very blog, which has been a host to a lot of feelings of mine has now become my fear. It is as if everyone else around me has grown but me. As if all these years I’ve nurtured the blog on the right path of growth and some months left untouched, the blog has become my monster, with those red huge eyes and big body and horns on head, wearing a garland of skulls, on the verge of killing me if I don’t attend to it.
It is a horrifying feeling to face someone of your own whom you’ve carefully managed to harshly ignore for a long of time. It is a matter of courage and strength to face them again. What would I first tell them? will it be a Hi or I’m sorry? what shall I talk to them about? Comparing this blog to a living person close to me; Funny? isn't it? But that is how it has actually turned out to be. I’ve waned to write about every single thing I’ve been through from time immemorial. Reason? I don’ know. May be I’ve been fascinated about leaving a mark of my journey somewhere, so if not on Earth, then let it at least be on a ‘cloud’.
Past several months I’ve been going through a lot of emotions, so many that I could only feel them. And trying to put them in words would mean undermining the meaning of the feeling. Another reason that I self-realize is that I hate being tied. Tied to anything. And what does this mean in regard to writing? It does mean everything. The fact of being read and judged and portrayed and liked and distributed is utterly disturbing thought to me. It is one of the most important understanding about myself I’ve had lately. I realized that even a little consciousness about these parameters could steal away my natural writing from me. I’d been associated with a writers group. Tried my hands at content writing, which meant, whatever I’d written, it would be with an idea that I’d be read and corrected by someone else, and in between all this, I’d forgotten how I didn’t really need it. Another aspect which could have hindered me unconsciously could be a madness about ‘necessarily’ writing a ‘better thought’ post or a well written post or a post of new thought. In a way I way trapped and had begun seeing myself from audiences’ perspective instead of looking at myself from my own perspective, which is one of the biggest strengths of mine. If I choose to associate this blog with anything else but pure expression of my personal thoughts, I’ll have to give let it go off my natural self.
So that has been about what has held me back all these months. What has got me back? A couple of very simple reasons.
First reason would be my decision to let go off any kind or association to writing except for this blog. Next, reason could be to keep up a promise because a committed promise left un-fulfilled causes more guilt than I thought. It turns out to be haunting at times.
I read a day’s experience written by someone which seemed quite casual. Yet it had a lot of power because though the words were simple, the experience they had was reflecting via those words tremendously. So much that it instigated me to clear my glasses and get back on the search for myself. With the blurred vision and blind folded eyes, there has been a lot of myself that I missed on. I don’t know what all I’ve been through in the last few days at college, what I’ve loved the most about the trip I’ve been to with family and another trip with people at college. I barely remember how I managed to pull the last events at college and what rush of emotions I felt in regard to a lot of aspects of friendships, getting a part of family back, exams, results, failing, getting back up, deciding on job, hosting up sisters wedding. I’ve missed on myself a lot by not writing about it. But I’m glad that there has been reasons to write that have been stronger than the reasons that have held me back so far. I’m glad that someone within me is stronger than I actually am, who managed to connect the dots.
So more than rigorous 48 hours of thinking, restlessness, guilt, search for inspiration I now feel like I’m taking the first step after months of bed rest. After a lot f courage at personal level, here it is, this mixture of rushing and unclear thoughts. These words have more power and meaning than a lot of previous posts. Because it stands in between hobby and passion or may be vice versa. It has a lot of hidden meaning, which I will laugh off at, in future. It is like the blur dissolved partition between purposeful smoke and air.
Now I really feel like I’ve accomplished in being a thief. I have accomplished in stealing the thoughts of my former self to unite it to my future self via this post. And as my hands dance at the tune of the keypad, I realize that it is only about the beginning; of how I manage to get started or get re-started. Once the beginning is marked, the journey eventually unfolds. Now that the smoke has disappeared and only air remains, I am ready to find new reasons to write about and create new smokes of aspirations, achievements and everything else about my life.
P.S. It has been very difficult to click on the ‘Post it’ button. A line added, another and another. Feels incomplete.
From 08: 09 am to 09:37 am
Dated: 12 June 2017, Monday.
