Until We Are All Free
T.W: Child Sexual Abuse
He took my innocence,
All my hopes, my dreams, my youth.
He took my very soul.
What could have been,
I will never know.
But it wasn’t just my childhood that he stole,
It was all the other kid’s too.
Their scared faces each forever burned into my mind.
I remember what he did to them...
To me...
To us.
Even to his own kids.
I was just barely five years old
When he took interest in
The little hazel eyed blonde haired kid
In the compound next door.
I’ve noticed a phrase that people like to say
About kids who go through shit...
They like to say
“Kids are resilient”
But what I’ve learned is that
We are only “resilient”
Because our tiny brains cannot yet
Comprehend our own lived experiences,
Our resiliency always runs out
The moment are minds mature enough
That we finally gain access
To the words we needed to describe our pain,
And we feel safe enough to express the trauma
Our weary bodies have been bearing all this time.
You see,
We aren’t always taught this but
Our bodies hold every ounce of pain
We have ever had to endure.
That is until some of us are
Granted the privilege of acknowledging we even have trauma...
And then,
If we are lucky...
We receive the great privilege of
Actively being able to seek out and maintain
Professional outlets of healing.
But not everyone has these privileges.
Oppression is a real raging bitch and
When your suffering from within it
It’s almost impossible to escape.
You’re just forever stuck
In a system that is only aimed to keep
You from living, learning, growing, thriving,
And succeeding in this world.
So when I remember how
My innocents was taken by him,
I’m struck with immense survivors guilt
Because even though
No one knew about what was happening to me
For four and a half years...
I eventually got out.
I got out.
I was the only privileged one to escape
The system of oppression that
I only knew and could relate to from a
Tiny white missionary kid’s view point.
Now when I close my eyes
I see a surge of little Black and Brown faces.
So beautiful in nature
Yet,
So hopeless, beaten and battered.
Some of these kids
Were my friends.
Everyday,
We would play together
Outside the compound
After school
Until the sun was just about to go down.
Their faces edged into my memory.
I remember the fun we had and the smiles we shared.
I remember the sounds of our collective laughter
And the joy we found in each other.
But
I also remember seeing and recognizing
The joint fear on our faces
As He led us into his compound,
Then into his house ,
And then his bedroom.
I remember their desperate cries.
Cries
That no one heard.
I remember the
Deep bruises, cuts, and sores on the bodies of the children
That left that dreaded room.
Kids with excruciating wounds
Sometimes invisible
Unless you’re trained to see the clues.
The haunting red flags.
Yet I was the one
That got out.
While they all stayed
And their painful stories continued.
I think a lot
About what if I could go back and change things...
If I could have spoken up and reached out for help.
If I could have only just told my parents.
I know without a doubt
That my parents would have gotten me out of
That situation
So fucking fast.
They would have raged and aggressively advocated for me
And would have seen to it that He be dealt with.
I would have gotten help sooner.
But then I think to myself about
Who would have advocated for
All those other kids in the village..
In the surrounding villages...
In the town..
In the country...
All over the continent...
All over this world...
Who have a
“Him”
Who has stolen their autonomy
And shattered their story.
Who would have gotten them
All the help they so desperately needed
In order to heal their
Hearts, minds, bodies and souls??
Who would grant them that privilege?
The only way I would change anything about
Those dark years...
Is to somehow fiercely eradicate the systems of oppression
That enable evil men to gain the power
They use to suppress the rest of us.
To eradicate the patriarchy that
Encourages men to think they
Can get away with mortally wounding
Women, Transgender, Nonbinary people, Other LGBTQ people,
And children.
To eradicate white supremacy and the effects of colonialism
That have plagued and devastated
The lives of People of Color
Since the beginning of time.
To eradicate the systems of power
That side with, shelter and protect
The abuser and
Not the victim and survivor.
To eradicate and remove the barriers
That keep God’s children
From succeeding and thriving
In this world they placed them in.
Those kids deserve to get out
Just like I did.
Those kids deserved a story that didn’t
Involve an evil man obsessed with
The power granted to him by
His ability to silence those around him
And strike fear into the hearts of the community.
A community that frightfully elevated his stance
Based on his
Financial status , level of education and
His arrogant persona.
Those kids deserve a better story than they one
They unfortunately were placed into.
So even though I was privileged to escaped,
And receive professional help
That is allowing parts of me to heal...
Resiliency comes with a heavy cost.
I will never be truly free
Until the day that
All the people with stories like us
Are finally set free.