Baring The Truth: Part 1 In My Series
Been doing a lot of thinking as of the past couple days especially since my recent trip to California about life and happiness especially concerning my own life. Questions as to why am I here? What is my purpose in the on going journey? Well, it's all a matter of self-reflection and taking a look back on my life as of now, you see here is a fact I am 27 years old yes but I have lived... and continue to strive for to make the most out of my situations even if it means critiquing myself and knowing when I've made mistakes and acknowledging them, that in and of itself is always a hard pill to swallow. You see for starters I'm going to begin with painting the picture on how people view me, then I want to take you deeper into what's inside past the smile, the laughter, the grin, my looks/ body, deep inside where the inner part of myself who I am and most things that people do not know about me... Sometimes closing one door opens another and I've always kept one piece of advise sacred to me, and that is to be upfront, honest/ tell the truth even if it hurts. My weakness that I hate to admit but am embracing is the fact that I bottle things in, I take everything as it is no matter how painful it is and I bury it till it tries to destroy me by suffocating me. So let me begin...
The picture, the painting, the so-called perfect:
Now I will not bore you with too much history about my life, I will sum up a few things briefly, but what I want to focus on is more relevant to the past couple years. So most of my good friends, know already that I have been a victim and have survived and lived through being a victim of sexual assault, yes hard true fact. Another true fact I was 'outed' while in high school, it did not go over well to say the least and was a hard time for me and my family, but my family still loves me despite that dark hour, and I hold onto that love of my family... After all sometimes they are the only form of support you have when you are at your breaking point, literally. You see based off of the last couple years and my life falling apart around me, I've had to suck in my pride, who I am and ask for help, though I hated myself for it especially when I needed to admit to my good friends and my family I needed help to live, eat and breathe basically. In those difficult times, which began towards the end of my time in the military I reflected a lot on my history and how people perceive me. Here's what I have concluded based on what others have told me and words they used to describe me.
I, Gina Mariel Cooper am strong willed, I am a perfectionist by nature, compassionate, caring, I've been called an Angel, a gifted talented and smart young lady, upfront honest, hard working, determined, blunt, always trying, outspoken, a perfect woman who is confident, a friend, a lover, a healer, a warrior, a protector, a sexual character, feisty, cute haha... and much more... But only a painting only a picture, only a glimpse...
My reflection in the mirror, past the image I see every day:
Let me begin by making a statement, depression it sucks it is something that each and every one of us face at some point during our life... I have faced this demon on numerous occasions throughout my life in my darkest hours where I thought back in high school after being outed, scared of being myself, feeling like I had nobody who cared about me or supported me or loved, I would punch walls till my knuckles bleed, to feel some kind of pain to numb the real hurt inside of me. I thought of the many different ways I could die, hanging, stabbing, myself, jumping off a building, anything and everything, but guess what I overcame those thoughts because I decided to live, I decided to embrace life the good, the bad, the ugly... And I vowed that no matter how difficult life got for me, I would never kill myself, for the sake of my friends, my family, and those memories I carry in my heart of loved ones who have passed away... I made a deep-rooted promise, and I stand by that each and every day through hell and back no matter what happens in life I will not let depression be the victor and control me and my life.
Now since that point in my life I can say it has been quite a roller coaster ride to say the least, but I learned to weather many storms and count on my friends when I needed them the most, and words alone cannot express my gratitude that I have for my friends who've been there for me the most. Those who helped me back up onto my feet, to regain my confidence in myself at times when I thought I lost it, and much more. Friends are some of the truly most amazing relationships that we have as human beings, and when you find good friends that love and accept you for who you are they become to you a second family. Cherish your friends and those you love because some days you may never know how much they mean to you until they are gone....
My friend an beautiful angel, this is to you, I love you and always will, and I miss you each and every day some days more than others when I think about your beautiful face, remember your laugh, your smile and much more. I carry your memory in a tribute to you on me and I will always have that as a part of me because of how much you meant to me and the secrets I kept with you and those you kept for me. She was one of the most remarkable people you would've ever met if you had the opportunity to get to know her like me and some of my other close friends had the pleasure of discovering for ourselves. She didn't let the world or other determine who she was and how she chose to live, she was truly amazing and beautiful in so many ways not just her looks but her personality too. I had the pleasure of getting to know her while attending public school for a short time during my Junior year back in Rapid City at Central High School. We all as friends had some pretty crazy fun teen experiences to say the least and even after high school when I went away to college, when I came home to visit or during the summer time we would all hang out, party and have fun. But it wasn't just the times we spent together as friends that mattered, you see when I was home during the summer time or home from college for the holidays, we would get together and just talk for hours, have a drink and chill these were the moments I cherished the most and realized in quite a few ways about the relationship we really had together. Close-friends, lovers, however you look at it we just knew whenever we hung out especially some of the stuff we talked about that whatever we had it was awesome, true, open, honest, caring, and loving. Some people say sex defines a relationship of love between two people, some say acknowledging to the general public of being girlfriends, partners, or whatever defines a relationship of love between two people... Well I'm here to say defining something is one thing to the public, but living it and accepting it for what it is you have with someone is definition in and of itself... it doesn't always have to be public knowledge. Yes she had girlfriends I respected that, just as she respected mine too... But yes I loved her, yes we would kiss, hug, sex sure, but that's not what drew us to one another or something that was a necessity in our relationship. She would have her girlfriends I would have mine you see, we dated others yes of course, but when getting together especially on some instances where it may have been months since I saw her, we would passionately kiss, hug and just hold each other. She knew she could trust me, count on me, and lean to me when she needed help. I gave her that and as much of me as I could even if it meant at times getting woken up early morning to pick her up from someplace another friend or an ex-gf and drive her home and just let her cry and talk things out to me, I listened offered support and advice when needed. She loved me for that, and thanked me many times for just being there for her and being honest and open with her. So though we had our secrets with one another we shared a deep love and relationship that was our own and I hold onto those memories and cherish them. Because I lost a friend, a lover, a soul mate, and it still makes me cry not just from the sadness of losing her, but also in happiness at what we shared and no one can take that part away from me ever. To my love, my friend, my soulmate, my angel, though you passed away too young, know that you helped make a difference in my life in so many ways, I admired you, and I thank you for making me realize many things about my own life and helping me to embrace who I am and to just live without worrying so much about what others may say or how they judge may judge me, you are amazing and I miss you so very much....But know this... I love you and always will and some day, some day we will meet again, until then I hold a part of you in my heart and a tribute of art to your memory on my arm/shoulder...
It has been a journey since the loss of my dear loving friend, and not just her loss, but also in losing my dream my passion in life, and as of lately it has been a journey of self-reflection and finding myself again that is the main reason why I've come back to writing. Not only to help myself to heal and discover my goals and dreams and true passions in life, but to be an example to others struggling with similar situations that I am and to be there to help someone else and give them hope also. I think that is why I've dedicated the year 2014 to a path of renewal and to find more out about myself and my purpose in life what my dreams and goals are and to strive towards them with renewed vigor. But of course before I take a few leaps I have found that embracing myself, my pains, my weaknesses, my past, and so on and just getting them out has allowed me to regain a lot of confidence and sense of value and self-worth once again. So take these pieces as I have written them as segments to a bigger book, and I do hope that in reading these pieces please feel free to share your thoughts and views I always like good feedback and hell feel free to ask any questions too. You see I know the next segment after this will break many hearts, and bare a lot of my pain... that chapter, that pill in my life is still hard to swallow as it is a wound that keeps opening and having salt poured in it again and again and that my dear friends is coming... But for my own security I will not publish it until the year has been met as it will touch my passion, my dream... my military life... look to that as an upcoming work, and thank you once again for taking the time to read this segment and piece of mine.
Thank you friends and family :)
--- Gina M. Cooper February 11, 2014 (republished from FBpage)