#upsidedowninsideout

[debwalsh]

On the fifth day of Fandommas, I give you Stranger Things, courtesy of @thesuperherostuff . Yeah, and I've got another holiday sweater coming from them. 😎 And today I am binging Sleepy Hollow season 1 (the good one) and working on a new giftfic and a piece of gift art. #merryfandommas #upsidedowninsideout #whatareyoubinging

[stardustcrucified]

I don't know what to write

I just want to

Say anything that comes to mind

I'll be dead and gone tomorrow

The bubblegum tastes awful

I'm so hungry

I want to

Say something that matters

I dream about it often, you know

I have not seen those flowers in a long time

They made me think of something forever on hold

Hang up the phone,

I'd hate to keep you waiting when the world's out there

[stardustcrucified]

Oscillator

I think that's what it's called

Heard it super loud

In both my ears, screaming

I thought I could die

And my only confession

Was that I miss when it rained

And I'd see your hair stuck to your forehead

And that maybe that one day

I'd want to be back in that tree, back in that room

Looking at you

And feeling my chest get heavy

[stardustcrucified]

I'm sorry, Scotland. For all that I said

In white and in green and

In Aberdeen red.

Can I be forgiven for what I didn't say?

I hope with my head that you find a way

to please, forgive me, I've been walking about

Dragging through town and crawling in grout

Looking for you, to sever my doubt

and to put an end to this flourishing bout

of sickness, of disease, of holes in my brain

I hope that I never see Scotland again

because I know I'll see black and white stripes,

and cigarettes, and terrible chips, and all of the types

of people who stand there at grayed fences as two,

but none of them will ever be

me, standing there with you.

[stardustcrucified]

There is a man in a green suit she dances with. He spins her around. She smiles and laughs and I stand watching the room turn on its side with a death breath. Either she does not notice me, or she does not want to.

He can dance with anyone. Infact he sways and hypnotises the crowd when he moves. He's like a star. I'm like a thief.

Sickness and doubt and the fine line where they overlap is my limbo. I hope it's over and it's not. Never is.

She dances with the man in the green suit for what feels like years, but must only be minutes. In my mind, this is Hell. I have died and this is my torture. Simultaneously, this is real, and nothing has ever felt as real as watching him take her (from me). I ask myself, can something that was never mine be taken from me? He says no.

I am uneasy on my feet forever. I try to smile but my mouth is weighed down with regrets and nausea. She notices that I stare. She shows me her teeth and everything hurts anew. Even in closeness I fall miles and miles away.

He smiles a courtesy greeting at me later. I do not smile back. I think she notices that too. When I tell her about agony, she seems very upset. Attentative, almost. I have wanted this forever.

The floor breaks the teeth out of my mouth. She doesn't say much and I don't smile much. Are we two stars aligning? I try not to think about that. Across the room, the man spins into the night. His suit is green. That seems to be all. He leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and all I see around me is the colour blue.

[stardustcrucified]

Beneath quiet eyes is everything between torn void stars. She leaves it there, holds it, sleeps with it by her side. I go there to her room to chase it away. These nights she is my

only thought. Aching in the heat I sweat and shiver and convulse. She ponders how best to let it all go or prepare to let it consume her. I have dizzying fantasies of her with proper men in proper suits

talking proper dove making proper love, and as she leans in she pauses and finds herself confused by the brown-eyed gaze that consumes her head.

I cast her grey in projector light. Shadow puppetry as she tries to twist her slender fingers and portray a dog. She laughs as the mouth fails to move. Beside her I shift mine an open poise, slack-jawed and begging

an invite. The moon is out at half mast and I mourn a death I do not know. The dream comes to me again-pale, tender, and gentle. She lays her head in the crook of my neck and she feels my blood vessels burst, her naked figure some perfection and

her hands wrapping around me. I sigh and awaken, cold and gasping in my bed. Finding myself picturing her at my shoulder as I fall back down. Knowing really she sleeps alone. It cuts. The night crawls on.

[stardustcrucified]

Whenever I say I'll take matters into my own hands

I hear, "You and whose army?"

I don't think they know how seriously I mean it

Silver stutters on the depths of winged midnight

I walk the line between the moon and star-space

Once I start to nod off I fall into a void

Bad dreams, one after another,

About feelings getting worse

About suns coming forth

About patterns burned on skin

So when they say, "Whose army?"

I think about myself in war and realise I am no soldier

I am the coward who puts a bullet in their brain

And you are the dawn on an armistice morning

A salvation which I miss by moments

How strange and twisted that is

[stardustcrucified]

I think God is watching, watching

Watching the glances and painful stopping.

I think God is waiting, waiting

Waiting for me or you to become worth saving.

I think He is dying, dying

Forced observer of habitual lying

I think He sees black and blue

I think He sees me and you.

Watching through the soul of me,

He'd see green eyes and litany

Self-aimed bullets to blow off my head

I've seen God and God is dead.

So if a God is watching,

Watching still I do

If a God is watching it's me and my only muse

Is you