I kind of got out of the habit of writing these long posts of actual talking a while back but I thought that this was something that really needed to be shared and this is the only platform where I can share it in enough words without every single person I’ve ever met finding out (See: Facebook). Apologies in advance but it’s going to be a long one, this was probably one of the most significant moments of my life.
Saturday 23rd January 2016
So this weekend I’ve been at the URC Youth Assembly with friends from all over the UK. Last night; Saturday night, we had a candlelit communion service in the venue, where we all sat around the edge of the meeting hall and passed the bread and the wine between us as we sang and prayed.
I’m the first to admit that I am rubbish at praying. I lose focus, I feel like i’m just thinking the same sentence over and over with no intent and I don’t even use it unless I really need something or i’m forced to at church. The only times in my life that I’ve prayed and really felt that it meant something have been at times of heightened emotion where I’ve been screaming and crying at God both aloud and in my head.
But as everybody was praying I was looking around the hall, and into the flames on the table and at the fairy lights and the closed eyes and the silently moving lips and then I came to rest on Josh. He’ll be embarrassed if he reads this but Josh is one of my best friends, we’ve known each other since we were less than a month old and just as any of my close friends; he means the world to me. He’s had a bit of a tricky time over the last few years, particularly recently, and I want more than anything for him to just be completely happy and at peace with himself. Josh was hunched over his chair with his eyes screwed shut and his fingers locked together, praying really hard. Next to him was my friend Hannah, who is in great need of healing and support. Looking at the two of them so focused on their prayers, begging God to heal them and grant them peace, really moved me. And so I started to pray.
I’ve never been so focused on prayer before in my life. I feel like I cracked some kind of code to be honest because ever since I’ve been able to pray in the way I always wanted to, its like I got God on speed dial rather than having to look him up in a copy of the Yellow Pages from 2002. I started asking God for all of these things for Josh and Hannah and in the background the pastor was talking about God’s love for us so I began to weave that in. And then I thought about this week’s Philosophy and Ethics visit from the Christian Youth Leader who made me feel like I was some kind of ‘dirty sinner’ (unintentionally) and I just prayed and prayed and threw everything I had into this one activity until all I was aware of was the prayer and the quiet singing in the background.
And that’s when I felt God. I feel like a complete nutcase whenever I try to explain this to a non-christian but I swear, I felt God’s presence. Its like I was reaching out to him and in that moment he finally reached back and took my hand.
It was the most amazing feeling of my life, I began to cry and I was shaking really violently and I heard God’s voice in my head saying “You are loved and accepted” over and over until I believed it. They were wrong, God does love me despite everything. Just as the word of Jesus in the New Testament takes precedence over the Old Testament Laws, such does God’s direct word through prayer take precedence over the word of the Bible, particularly Leviticus but not exclusively. I felt so safe and supported but also completely in awe. He gave me so much hope. Hope that things would get easier for me, that Josh and Hannah would be healed, just so much hope.
Hannah hugged me and my friend Tom touched my back and asked if I was okay, which I couldn’t even answer because every time I opened my mouth I just cried harder. The second the service finished my youth leader/friend Rachel knelt in front of me and hugged me, then put her hand on my head and started praying for me. Hannah, Tom and Liam joined in, Josh had to leave (I think it was a bit intense) and I felt so filled with the Holy Spirit and God’s love that I just wanted to scream (I didn’t!). Having everybody lay their hands on me and pray with me was just amazing. I felt so connected to God.
Once I’d stopped shaking I got up and went to Josh’s room to check on him, and that resulted in another 20 minutes of loudly crying into his shoulder interspersed with random bursts of hysterical laughter from both of us! I told him that i’d been praying for him and we had a talk about what had actually happened and how he was doing and it was a very cleansing experience. While I really hate crying in front of people, I have to say it was probably the best experience of public crying I've ever had.
I’m home now but I couldn’t sleep this evening because I can’t stop thinking about everything that happened this weekend and how amazing it was. God spoke to me, I think the fact that I don’t usually talk out my problems with God is the reason why it all hit me so hard, I tell my problems to everybody except him, I ask advice of everybody except him. That’s something I plan to change now.God accepts me and loves me despite what the Bible says about my life.
I was fearfully and wonderfully made.