Our hero! I’m gonna go with Rebelcaptain with a baby angst
Jyn was so tired. She wasn't sure the last time she slept more than two hours at a time, because Lyra hadn't slept for more than two hours at a time since she and Cassian had brought her home from the hospital. She was, there was no doubt, absolutely perfect, and nothing would ever make Jyn regret building a family with Cassian.
However. This amount of sleep deprivation, combined with the less-talked-about and more unfortunate aftereffects of childbirth - well, let's just say she was nearing her limit.
And it wasn't like Cassian wasn't doing his share. Of course he was. He was amazing with children, regardless of their age; his natural affinity for fatherhood was obvious in the way he stared down at Lyra when he held her, like she was the sun he would orbit for the rest of his life (she had no doubt that that would turn out to be the case anyway). But he wasn't the one who had to bear the physical brunt of it, who was still bearing it. It all seemed to come easy to him.
"Just give her to me," he said sleepily, their daughter's constant crying having woken him and brought him into the nursery. Fed up with herself, Jyn did as he asked. She got up to go back to bed, and Lyra's cries abated with Cassian's close attention.
It didn't feel like relief.
She'd had a good mother, mostly, even if for not very long. And Jyn had read all the books people were supposed to read, listened to all the doctors and nurses, enlisted both Leia and Shara in the process of readying herself for parenthood. She had done everything right, but she still didn't feel like she was any good at any of it. She felt like a failure, and it had her crying silently as soon as her head hit the pillow.
At some point, she vaguely registered the sound of Cassian shuffling back into bed. Something about her appearance must have struck him as concerning, because he didn't lay down. Instead, he sat next to her with his legs crossed and stroked her hair.
"What's wrong, mi amor?" he murmured.
"I'm just tired," she replied, but she could see the way the little bit of moonlight reflected the doubt in his eyes.
He sighed, rubbing his hands over his eyes. "Tired because you need sleep, or tired like you want to sleep and not wake up?"
It was a conversation they had a few times before, the idea that one day life may not be worth living. It had never come to that, though. She loved him, and loved herself more for it. She just wanted this to go right. She didn't want to be the one who couldn't cope.
"Tired like my body hurts all the time," she whispered. "Tired like I can't get my daughter to stop crying. Tired like I'm not any good at this, and I don't even know why I bother."
He frowned and shifted to lay down facing her. "Nobody's good at being a parent in the first two weeks. Hell, the first two years. Everybody told us, Jyn, it was going to be hard. It's okay for that to be true."
"I don't want it to be this hard, though," she said, catching herself before a sob could escape her chest.
"I wish I could make it easier on you," he told her earnestly, and it broke her heart. He shouldn't have to make it easier on her. He should just get to be Lyra's father, not Jyn's caretaker.
"It's not your job," Jyn insisted. But Cassian wasn't having that.
"Yes, mi amor. It is my job. When I said forever, I meant it. You can ask Melshi, he'll tell you I never shut up about it."
She let out a little laugh. "You are a bit obsessed with me."
He grinned in the dark. "So sue me, I'm obsessed with my wife. Maybe it's because I love her. But really, Jyn, you've done all the hard parts so far. Let me do something for you. Anything."
"Will you just hold me, right now?" she asked.
Cassian's eyes softened. "For the rest of our lives, Jyn. Of course I will.
