#v:struggle

[thexelementals-archived-blog]

hxgoweasley because feels and why the fuck not

Warmth. That was always the first thing Jame felt upon waking up in his home anymore. His eyes fluttered open and he found himself lying in Hugo’s lap, fire and TV still going. Yawning, he stretched and looked up at his boyfriend. “I fell asleep again, didn’t I?”

[jamesamael-archive]

And They All Came Crashing Down

It was such a simple thing, really. A sweater. One of his own, actually. A navy blue one. Such a pretty, soft thing. A color he’d worn many times, loved for many years. It had always looked so perfect on Hugo. The blue complimented his soft skin, his warm eyes. He’d never thought for an instant that something so seemingly small could make his entire world come crumbling down.

He turned it over and over again in his shaking hands, eyeing it with equal fascination and fear. If he hadn’t smelt it, if it had been a shade darker, if he hadn’t gone to take a shower that night would he have even noticed? 

Lying there on the bathroom floor, seemingly innocent. At first he’d smiled. The thought of Hugo using his bathroom while he was gone made him feel less insane. He’d done similar things during their time apart: sleeping with one of his books, smiling every time he had his morning tea. 

But then it quickly faltered when he smelt the unmistakable smell of blood. 

He’d found it quickly, turning it inside out to find the barely visible stains ingrained in the sleeves. Unmistakably red. All over... God it was everywhere. On the sweater, on the floor below it. His mind processed what the rest of him absolutely refused to believe. The stains taunted him, the shadows seeping into his mind and putting horrific scenes on display, making him imagine exactly what had happened. Flashes of images of Hugo lying in the darkness, putting a blade to his wrists and shaking..

That did it. 

Jame crumbled to the ground, landing hard on his knees. He clutched at the sweater, his eyes wild and frantic unmoving from the trails of blood inside it. 

We told you. Not good enough. You’re a monster, Jame. You will break him, hurt him, crush him. 

He gasped, shutting his eyes tight. No. No, not the voices. He couldn’t.. not again. He’d heard them too much this week. But the shadows were there, haunting him, whispering things he never wanted to hear but knew only too well. 

How long had this been happening? Of course he’d noticed the scars. But that’s what he’d thought they were - scars. Faded things from a past where Jame didn’t belong. He thought Hugo had stopped. Thought that he was.. better. That he’d taken him away from all of that. All those times he’d been gone, all the times he’d left him alone is this what he had done? This happened... this happened because he’d left him here. This was his fault, wasn’t it? Who was he kidding. He wasn’t making him better, he was making him worse. 

This was entirely his fault... 

He’ll end up dead. Just like Allie. Because of you. He’ll kill himself because of you.

“No!!” Jame shouted, throwing the sweater across the room. He crawled backwards, his back slamming against the door. Panted breaths left his lips, his eyes shutting tight as he wrapped his arms around his legs and turned into a shaking ball. 

He stayed there for many moments, listening to the hoarse whispers of the shadows that constantly reminded them that Hugo was hurt because of him, and he always would be. 

[jamesamael-archive]

Miss Me? || Jame & Hugo

Even though it wasn’t technically needed, Jame still found solace in taking deep breaths when he was nervous. He’d walked up the stairs to his apartment door thousands of times, spent countless hours with the love of his life but for some reason this particular time had his nerves in insurmountable tangles.  When he’d found out he had to leave Hugo for a week to perform this job for his father, Jame hadn’t been pleased in the slightest. As usual he’d feigned at as a business trip for his ‘company’, but ever since Hugo had come to live with him they had not been apart for longer than two days. This week... this week had been incredibly difficult. If wasn’t his father... if anyone had asked but his precious father he wouldn’t have left. Never had he wanted to hurt his father more, but he knew it was a test. A well designed test to see how well Jame did apart from his ‘plaything.’ He snarled at the thought, coming to his door and trying again to take a deep breath. 

For some insane reason, not seeing his entire world for a week made him.. shy upon seeing him again. It was an odd thought. Jame Samael was never shy. 

So with a heavy sigh, Jame unlocked the door and pushed his suitcase inside, closing it and tossing the keys in their bowl. “Hugo? Darling, I’m home!”

[jamesamael-archive]

Birthday Love || Hugo & Jame

Jame bounded through his room, sticky note placed carefully in his pocket, eyes searching the place but still not able to find the source of all these wonderful gifts. He’d checked the kitchen once he’ed fond the cake, he’d checked Hugo’s own room where he’d found the sweaters, and then his room where he’d found the books. Still, no Hugo. But all these wonderful, wonderful gifts and birthday notes that he would cherish forever. He was overwhelmed. So very overwhelmed that someone had even remembered. Jame certainly hadn’t.. but of course Hugo would. Where was he?

His ears twitched as he listened intently for any sound, and indication that he was in the apartment. Coming home to all these things was... Jame was quite literally breathless. And watery-eyed. Surely Hugo wouldn’t not be here on his birthday night if he had planned all this? But then he heard it... a subtle, but present heart beat coming from the first bathroom. He smiled, walking to the small room quietly. Behind the shower curtain. He could definitely hear breathing behind the shower curtain. Pushing it back slowly, he found a pair of warm brown eyes gazing up at him and melted instantly. “Did you think you could hide from me forever?” he smiled. 

[jamesamael-archive]

hugo-arthur-weasley [I’m not even sorry Jame is enjoying this way too much]

“Hugo... is there something you’d like to talk about? Can I bring you some tea?”

[jamesamael-archive]

"I had a sex dream about you last night."

Meme accepted 

“I… you had what?” Jame chocked on his morning tea, coughing a little before recovering himself. He eyed his boyfriend, confusion making his brows furrow yet filled with a sudden warmth. “That’s…very..” He smiled, looking down. “I hope I treated you right, at least.”

[jamesamael-archive]

We need to talk about you and Hugo.

“No, we don’t. I have enough annoying relatives on my back 24/7 I do NOT need another. Run along.”

[jamesamael-archive]

Where My Demons Hide

Don’t get too close. It’s dark inside. It’s where my demons hide. 

Why? Why does he care for someone as horrid, as broken, as tragic as me? He is everything I shouldn’t have. Innocence. Love. Beauty. He deserves someone whole. Someone who can love him where I never can. Yet still, he stares at me with those warm chocolate eyes. Holds me, touches me, cares for me like I’m the only solid thing in his world.

But how can I be solid when I can barely hold myself together? I’m a broken vase who’s been glued and put back together so many times it’s hard to tell the original from the cracks on the outside. 

But more importantly than that, more than anything, is how much I could hurt him. How much I already have. I’m a monster, and my demons will never leave me. The haunted souls of those I’ve killed, tortured, harmed - their blood spills from my hands and blackens my soul yet still he would want me. Why?

I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you. But with the beast inside there’s nowhere we can hide.

I can hide. Behind a mask, behind my pain, behind my fear as long as he’s near. He takes it all away, the emptiness, the loneliness, the walls that erected around me so fast I believed no one could ever break in. I can hide with him. From myself, from my past, from my deranged present and uncertain future. But fuck I’m terrified. There’s a beast that rages inside, claws to get out, to hurt, to make people as scared as I constantly feel. I can’t let that happen. Just hide, hide, hide. Hide from him. Protect him. Protect him from the real me, because if he ever knew, he’d surely leave. 

Don't wanna let you down, but I am hell bound. Though this is all for you, don't wanna hide the truth.

Darling, I’m a nightmare. I’ll eat you alive, capture your heart, spit it out with the tide. The shadows will consume him like they did me. Watching, waiting, until finally he’s gone. Just like Allie. Just like everyone I’ve ever touched - he’ll wither, crumple, and die. I’m bound for Hell while he’s an angel, capturing the darkness within me and sifting it out like poison and it scares me. I’ve become so weak, so utterly pathetic, yet I’d trade it all, I’d trade everything for him. How can I be whole for him while falling to pieces? I don’t want him to fall with me. I refuse to drag him down. He wouldn’t last a second where I’m bound.

It's woven in my soul. I need to let you go.

What if I can’t change? Hide? I’m out of breath. The mask is fading, something stirring inside. And fuck it hurts. This pain, this worry, this caring is shredding the hole in my chest while knitting it back together. I’m a monster I’m a monster, getting tangled with the light. There’s no fixing my soul. The darkness is intertwined, forever mine, not leaving even if I cut up my insides. Believe me, I’ve tried. I should let him go. He needs to go. Leave while he can, run while I have the strength not to chase him back. Push him away, out of my life, save him from the shadows, the darkness, save him from me.

Your eyes, they shine so bright. I wanna save that light. I can't escape this now, unless you show me how.

But I’m selfish. I’m too selfish to let you go. I’ll lock the doors, keep you, chain you without using chains. If it hurts you I’ll kiss you and make it better. No one can take you from me, will take you from me, you’re mine. Mine and only mine and God help anyone who tries to take what’s mine. Because how could I give up your bright smile? Your touch, your warmth, your pure soul that constantly, persistently challenges mine? You are my sanity, my love, my everything. You are the heart that beats for me. Without you I’d surely disappear, water slipping through empty hands, never to be found again. So don’t you dare leave me. I will track you down, pin you to the wall, and never let you out of my sight again. I want to save that light in your eyes. I want to save you, as much as you’re surely saving me. Teach me. God, please teach me how to save us from myself.

Look into my eyes. It’s where my demons hide.

So take me. I’m yours. You seeped through my skin, teased my resolve, poured through my veins, made me feel alive. Made me feel. I’d be lost without you. So look into my empty eyes, stay by my side, even if it’s where my demons hide. Because even though I’m a monster, a beast, a shadow, I need my light. I need my heart. I need you to survive. Because even a creature of the night needs something to live for. Even a heartless man needs to be loved. 

And darling, if I could love anyone, it would be you.