#v; school

[mandysxmuses]

@mortau this is more getting caught BEING unhinged but I just really wanted to do it

This had been... a while coming, honestly. Todd wasn't going to pretend he was above it; that was stupid and dishonest. But after seeing how happy Niemand was here, and how quickly Jemand was losing his mind over it...

Well, it was an easy decision to make, frankly. And as easy as tricking him into going upstairs with him and having the right supplies. Then all it took was beating him mercilessly on the elevator ride up, restraining and gagging him, and throwing him over his shoulder like a really pretty sack of garbage.

He just hoped Jemand wouldn't get out of it. The consequences for this were likely going to be just as traumatic and that on top of the mountain of it would simply be annoying.

"Stop-- stop struggling. You gotta stop struggling. Do you want to be stabbed? No? Then stop struggling. We're almost there."

Seeing a dumpster near the school, he made a beeline for it -- running quite efficiently even when carrying said fully-grown man over his shoulder.

Jemand was promptly thrown inside, and Todd snapped a picture to send it to Niemand, followed by a text simply containing an emoji of a present.

"And there we-- ..."

"..." Well. That was unmistakably a kid watching him. Shit. SHIT. "... The guy in the dumpster had this coming, trust me."

That probably didn't help.

"... Do you want something in exchange for keeping your trap shut?"

That likely didn't help either.

[mandysxmuses]

❛ well, someone's cranky today. ❜ - Irina @ Niemand, saiko academy verse

"I'm trying to be happy."

All things considered, he had a lot to be grateful for. He had privileges he hadn't been allowed in years. He was even able to buy his own things. When Niemand went to this world, and got all these things, he expected to feel elated.

But that ceaseless feeling of not belonging and not being good enough, and not even deserving all the new things he had... it was more persistent than the itch of a new mosquito bite.

"There's just -- something wrong with me, I guess. I'm not even good at that!"

[mandysxmuses]

[TXT] : this reminded me of you! - Irina @ Niemand in the school verse, after sending a picture of a golden retriever surrounded by flowers

[TXT] : Really? Thank you! You're so nice!

Niemand didn't want to just leave it at that. He felt special to be complimented, even if for some reason he could never put his finger on he felt guilty for it too.

At this point he was growing to simply accept that regardless of what occurred in his life, he would feel guilty.

... But it was frustrating all the same, because he also consciously knew there were some things he was not meant to feel guilty for. Or at least, most other people would not feel guilty to be complimented. They would just accept it and feel good. Just feel good.

Only feel good.

The entire reason he left the Void was to finally feel good, why couldn't he just feel good? Why was that sense of shame always there for literally everything?! Could he even BREATHE without feeling bad? No! Bad was always there! Guilt, shame, disgust, anger for feeling that. And then MORE anger for the initial anger in case the guilt was somehow deserved--

Now, the negative was all he felt, any warmth from the compliment smothered.

And by the time he forced his mind back on the original subject of sending something to her in return, there had been twenty minutes of him just staring intensely at the screen.

... There was a hole in the wall next to him. He didn't know how else to release the negative feelings that had all at once become overwhelming ...

Because he couldn't understand how they were happening in response to a compliment.

Crap, this was a dorm room, he couldn't just leave a hole in the wall!!

I need to get out of here and tape that over with a poster, quick!

But first, he sent Irina back a picture of some tulips.

[ TXT ] : These make me think of you! You made me so happy today 😊🌷🌷🌷

[mandysxmuses]

i see that, once again, the responsibility to corrupt my fellow students falls to me. - Henri @ Niemand in the school verse

"Corrupt?!"

"Henri, corrupting means bad stuff... I'm not supposed to do bad things. I-It's a miracle Principal Zhang didn't get me in more trouble for throwing that tree."

Wait, did Henri know about the tree-throwing thing?! Surely everyone knew about it, but he really hoped they didn't all know about his responsibility for it.

"-- That was a one time thing, Henri. P-Please don't tell anyone I did it. I was trying to stand up for you and I got really mad; I'm sorry. I-I'm so sorry."

[mandysxmuses]

how do you stand it? i don't think i could. - Han @ Niemand in the schoolverse, probably talking about his name

"Oh, it's not that bad! Other people have it worse, it's just a name... I've always been called that. Where I'm from, we don't really get special names like you guys, we're just called what we are..."

That was why Todlich got his name changed, right? He wasn't what he used to be anymore.

Niemand had always longed to find out how to change enough not to be Niemand.

Renee was the exception... but, well, she was a lot more connected to the people from Earth. She made sense.

Egel didn't. He just picked the name Walter because he didn't like his name. But that wasn't how anything worked. You couldn't just rename yourself because you felt like it.

"When I'm good enough I'll get something better."

[mandysxmuses]

😶 hey jemand what were you thinking when niemand beat the shit out of you with an audience

"Mm, I think I don't like liars. There's no way that happened."

Rather mercifully, Jemand had died quickly enough that he couldn't remember a thing of it... but at the same time, he knew he had to have died somehow up there. The chunk of his memory missing wouldn't make sense without something like that happening.

... Uncertainty made his stomach lurch. He doubled down.

"Don't lie."

[mandysxmuses]

“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” - Irina @ Niemand, school verse

He wasn't able to run away. Wasn't able to go home. ... Even if he didn't want the Void to be his home, it still was. He was made there. His garden was made there, and it made his life so much easier... and then it became the only place he slept.

And now it was burning, because he was selfish enough to want something else.

To punish himself for running away, and just because he already couldn't stop thinking about it, Niemand had been watching the video Jemand had sent him of the burning garden, over and over again.

"--!!" Then, he shoved the phone down and jolted back. "I'm fine! I-I'm fine! I'm fine. Nothing's... wrong."

[mandysxmuses]

"Be careful, there's a storm moving in." - Tennie @ Niemand, school verse

After seeing the picture, Niemand had... mixed feelings. He wanted to laugh, as he was sure Todd wanted him to. This should have made him happy. Seeing Jemand hurt was always funny.

But right now he was only seeing red. He wanted to go out there, and he wanted to hurt him worse.

Wanted to make him bleed. Wanted to make him cry. Wanted to make him ugly.

He was still better off here, he knew that, but... losing that garden still felt like he had lost everything. Because he hadn't come back, the hedge maze was probably still a mess of ashes. All the flowers he'd put so much love into were dead. Being forced to stay and have things remain that way hurt.

All he wanted to do was hurt Jemand back for holding the only thing he had left in the Void over his head, and for everything else.

"... I don't care if it's storming out. I need to go outside."