Valkyrie 101: The Ultimate Guide to the Women Who Choose Your Fate (And Might Kick Your Ass While Doing It)
What Are Valkyries, Anyway? Imagine youâve just finished living your extremely questionable life. You did some questionable things â good, bad, and ugly â and now youâre on your way to the afterlife. Enter: The Valkyries.
These ladies are the choosers of the dead, the bouncers of Valhalla, the ones who determine who gets to party with Odin and who gets to rot in a mud pit somewhere. They swoop down like badass, winged warriors and take the worthy ones to Odinâs hall, where theyâll prepare for Ragnarok (you know, the apocalypse). Pretty glamorous job.
Their Job: Picking the Best of the Best You thought your job was hard? Try deciding whoâs worthy of eternal glory based on warrior potential. Theyâre watching every battlefield, every skirmish, every attempt at heroism, and weighing it all like a flawless mix of judge, jury, and executioner. (Plus wings and armor.)
Itâs not just about who fought bravely, though. Theyâve got a thing for drama. So if youâre super extra on the battlefield, ready to die in an epic blaze of glory, a Valkyrieâs probably gonna notice.
How Do They Choose? It's a little more complex than a simple âwho fought the hardestâ judgment. Think of it like a mix of:
Did you have a dramatic death scene?
How many people did you stab dramatically before your demise?
Was your final act just really extra and intense?
If the answer is âyesâ to any of the above, youâve got a better shot at getting picked up by a Valkyrie for Valhalla. If not... well, enjoy your stay in Helheim. (Not the fun one. The boring one.)
Whatâs It Like to Be a Valkyrie? Theyâre not just glorified waitresses for the afterlife party. Theyâre fierce warriors, often depicted as women with warrior strength, riding majestic horses, clad in shining armor, and carrying spear-like weapons. Donât even think about messing with one. Theyâre trained to kill and they do it with style, but they also choose who gets to fight in the biggest, baddest battle ever. (Ragnarok, baby.)
Also, don't try to flirt with them unless youâve got real game. These gals donât fall for anyone who isnât ready to die dramatically. Sorry, not sorry.
Who Are the Valkyries, Anyway? Well, not just anyone gets to wear the crown of âValkyrie.â Thereâs a crew, and they all have very distinct personalities. Here are a few:
Brynhildr: The absolute queen of dramatic entrances. She was so badass she pissed off Odin and ended up on an entire questline about love, betrayal, and getting very fiery.
Goll: Not exactly known for her soft touch. Sheâll probably give you a side-eye, throw a spear in your direction, and then carry your ass off to Valhalla like itâs no big deal.
Skuld: Known for weaving the fate of mortals. Sheâs got a strong vibe. Donât try to change your destiny in front of her unless you want it completely obliterated.
Fun Fact: Theyâre Not All About War Yeah, yeah, theyâre warriors, but these women arenât just here for bloodshed. They also love a good feast, and when theyâre not out gathering the worthy, theyâre chugging mead with Odin and getting ready for the ultimate battle of fate. So, yeah, theyâve got some party girl energy too. Whatâs the point of having an afterlife if you canât enjoy it?
Final Thoughts: Would You Want to Be a Valkyrie? Sure, theyâre terrifying and definitely not the ones you want to anger. But letâs be real, they get to decide who goes to the ultimate afterlife party, which is a pretty sweet gig. If youâve got a penchant for drama, warrior vibes, and one hell of a loyalty to chaos, Valkyrie life might just be for you.
