#vani thoughts

[saintvanilly]

Sigh...the new twitter update is frustrating for artists. All I wanted was to enjoy a Christmas evening ahah then ended up feeling demotivated to finish drawing tonight and watching my mutuals delete their drawings and go private,, </3

[suckmy-keyblade]

"Don't go... please..."

(So this physically hurt to even type - as if it were real man, This wasn’t a good idea of mine.)

 Shortcake Axel.

I don’t.. I don’t really know how to say this. But I.. I can’t live this way anymore. I can’t be with you anymore. It’s not you, It’s me. There’s no easy way for me to say this.. I, I don’t know if you could class this as officially being ‘over’ but we may as well be, I won’t be here much longer. 

This life Ax, this was never for me. If you knew what I get up to every morning.. Most mornings I just don’t want to wake up. You’re the only thing I was living for, and I know I’m holding you back. I fucking love you Axel, you mean… so much to me. But my life, it’s heading no where, It’s going no where. 

By the time you read this I’ll already be dead. But - don’t worry, It’ll be quick, and I promise you won’t have to see my suffer, or even see my body. Because, well I might as well tell you, I don’t think I’d be able to leave if you never knew how - ironic right? 

Know that bridge.. the bridge we walked along that winter evening? We stopped and looked up at the stars, and I told you, that no matter where you were in the world, you could look up to them stars and know that I’d be thinking of you? That bridge, my father.. he gave me a gun for my eighteenth birthday, it’s a classic! I always wanted to use it.. so, you can probably piece two and two together. 

I’m sorry Axel, I just want you to have a good life, and please don’t hate yourself for this. You’re such a talented fucking artist - I’ll drag anyone to hell with me who tells you otherwise. 

The thing that’s upsetting me the most.. the fact I’ll never get to stand at that alter with you, our own wedding vows.. well, I started piecing something together, so here it is..

"Axel, from the moment your bright red hair got in my way, when you shoved past me that day - that was our instant connection. *pause for small chuckle* I look at you, and I see everything that’s right in the world. Your smile, the way your hands fit perfectly into mine. Everything. You’re my everything Axel, and I’ll always love you"

I’m sorry, it’s shit. I don’t know if I can even think of anything else to write.. I’ve already rewrote this three times from the numerous tears that’ve soaked up the fuckin’ paper. 

I love you Ax, stay strong, for the both of us. 

My love, Always

Vanitas. 

[suckmy-keyblade]

Losing him was blue like I've never known Missing him was dark grey all alone Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met But loving him was red

Taylor Swift ~ Red