#veeery long

[sauroff]

hello!! just wanted to say that oh my god that modern au with racing/mafia sounds so cool????? esp with like some people being more into the mechanical side of it too! If you’d ever like to share I’m dying to hear more about it -@mai-sau

Hope you are ready for a lot of typos and badly translated headcanons, because this is going to be long. I'll put it all under the cut for everyone's sake.

I don't remember all the details about this au, since It came to me like 8 months ago, but I didn't write it down. I'll tell you what I remember, more or less. In general, since I don't know a single thing about the racing world or cars, it's a mix of sports/deluxe cars design and races. Nothing is developed and there is absolutely 0 research done. It's just like, a general idea.

When I started thinking of a modern AU, I wondered what the Silmarils should be. In this case, they are cars. Not exactly the physical thing, but the designs. Finwe is the owner of a company that produces cars, and Fëanor was into ..I don't know how the engineering branch that work with cars is called, but he is that. He designed some very cool cars, but he recieved a bit of help from Melkor while doing so, both economic (he might be wealthy here, but not as much as Melkor), as an investor, and intelectual.

This part I don't have as clear, because I'm never sure if it's too much to keep the killings on modern AUs (don't even ask about Aqualonde, I have absolutely not idea what would be the parallel), but Melkor got away with the rights to produce said cars, and that putted Finwe out of businesses. And that was the moment they decided to enter the racing world instead of producing cars.

Melkor is a very rich, shady dude who owns another car company, specialized in sport cars, as well as other business. Later, he gets into racing too. Partially because he might or might not run some ilegal betting rings, but also because he likes it, and enjoys being a pain to the finweans. I have always found races boring since it's the person with the better car (more money) the one that usually wins. It's no so much about talent of the pilot, but as the sponsors and budget he has, and his mechanical team. So I can see Melkor racing just because he can, and is basically impossible for him to lose.

I can't kill every character in a race accident, so some are forced to coexist in this AU. Like, Maedhros was a car racer/pilot, and lost his hand on a car 'accident' (it wasn't an official race, but a clandestine one that he agreed to because he was too damn prideful. A very, very bad decision. Sabotage was involved). This might have forced Fëanor to coming to terms with Fingolfin, and fusing their teams, with Fingon as the main racer from then on.

Aredhel and Celegorm are into motocross. Celegorm managed to get a very good sponsor (Oröme) and, with Curufin in the mechanic team, got a pretty decent rank.

Aredhel is a ferocious racer and, despite every intend of Turgon to get her out that world, she is a champion and a force of nature. (As much as I'm fascinated with Aredhel's canon story and how realistic it is in its depiction of an abusive relationship, Eol doesn't exist here. Sorry, Maeglin).

So, to (not really) summarize:

Finwe: Had a relatively big company which produced cars, but it went bankrupt after investing to much on the development of a new line of cars, and because of some legal troubles with a bigger (Melkor's) company.

Fëanor: Engineer. Designed most of said line of cars, and lost it all. He went too far trying to get things back legally, but Melkor obviously played dirty, and ended he up losing the family business. Then decides to start working in racing cars, with Finwe's help.

Fingolfin: Also works In racing cars, but due his differences with Fëanor, has a completely separated team. They end up joining after Meadhros' accident.

Finarfin: Being the younger son, he never got too involved in the whole family business. He might or might not have decided to become a lawyer after what happened with it, tho.

Lalwen: Motocross racer, even before all the problems started. She is the one that got Aredhel and Celegorm into it.

Mae: Car racer. After the accident, he gets a more strategic rol on the team.

Fingon: Main racer. He is good and charismatic, and with the amazing team he has behind, it's impossible for him not to bw one the best. If only he could beat Gothmog...

Celegorm: motocross racer, but he also does the pseudo rally version (enduro?). He is good and has an excellent economic and mechanic back up, but his reputation holds him back a lot. His awful personality and tendency to get into trouble doesn't allow him to be his best.

Caranthir: The one making sure they don't go bankrupt *again*.

Curufin: Mechanic, working both for Celegorm and Aredhel. He used to work with the others on the cars, but after the nolofinwean and feanorian teams joined he just left.

Maglor: I don't even need to tell you that he has absolutely nothing to do with the whole family business. He is still a singer, and doing quiet well, on a indie scale.

(I have no idea what the rest of the finweans do, I'm sorry. I'm pretty sure I had a rol for Galadriel, but I can't remember it or come up with a new one right now.)

Melkor: owner of a very big company that produces cars, and other business, some of which are definitely not legal. And engineer himself. After stealing Feanor designs, he gets even richer. But his bad business management, ilegal activities, some scandals and Finarfins obsession with legally bringing him down end up with him going to jail.

Biggest problem with this kind of AUs is the generational gaps. Like, including Celebrimbor and Sauron stories means playing around with their ages too much.

I'd say that Sauron is a genius engineer that worked for Melkor since he was 20. He had excellent ideas, but due some creative differences, half of them ended up being dismissed. He still loved the job, and was once vicepresident of the company, but ended up loosing the position after an (Lúthien) incident. After the whole business falls due some sort embezzlement, he manages to get out of it without any legal repercution (ans with some extra money that was definitely not just his salary).

So yes, I have a silvergifting continuation to this, but this is too long already

[acciofelixfelicis]

Have scientific conference this weekend and there was a dinner tonight and I expected it to be really formal and boring, but I laughed my ass off

[the-hallowed-lady]

So...I sort of debated for a while about whether or not to write this... It’s sort of personal but also it means a hell of a lot if I do share it. Didn't want to spam everyone with text (it’s super long) but wanted to share this somewhere.

Earlier this year my mental health started declining. It took a while to realise and even longer to convince myself I needed help. It was nowhere near as bad as it could have gotten, and I'm grateful for that. I started going through CBT to help with the anxiety, then about 3 months ago, just before starting university, I was informed that I showed symptoms of depression too. 

The reason I'm saying this is because during this time the only family members I felt I could talk to and I felt understood were my younger sister and my nan. I was terrified to tell my mother, and we'd often end up arguing because I couldn't justify to her how I was feeling, or she couldn't get across to me what she really meant. I didn't feel like I could talk to my dad either, since I didn't know whether he would then tell mum without my knowledge, and I didn't want her mad at me. 

But...on Christmas day, I was having a really bad day. I couldn't tell if I wanted to cry or scream or hit someone. I couldn't bring myself to get up, I ended up just lying in bed until 2pm. I didn't want to be the child that ruined Christmas for the others, so when I was called for dinner I made myself up all pretty and went downstairs. Eating was just too much energy and I couldn’t even taste what I was putting on my mouth half the time. I just wanted to be asleep again. Nan spotted I was trying not to cry and let me leave the table. I don't think I've ever moved faster than when I was trying to avoid breaking down in front of my family. I couldn't stop crying and the worst part was I had no reason for it. I took off all the makeup I’d put on, and just cried for a bit, before trying to put it back on so I could go back downstairs. Nan came up to check on me and the waterworks started right back up again -  all I could say was ‘I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!’ while she held me. She told me that no one expected me to come down if I wasn’t ready to. I responded: “There’s no way that Mum isn’t going to be mad at me for running away from dinner, and if you can promise me that [My Brother] isn’t going to sit and laugh and make more jokes about me-” “I think you’d be surprised, you didn’t see the look mum gave dad just now.” Fast forward a few minutes, I was in the bathroom taking off the rest of my makeup (again) when mum came up and caught me. I thought she’d be furious with me, I didn’t expect the first thing she asked to be “What can we do?” “I...don’t understand?” “What can we do to help you? You’re obviously not having a good day, do you want us to leave you alone and let you continue having a bad day? Is there something we can do? What do you need?” “I-I don’t know, mum, I just want to go back to bed. But I don’t want to be the child who ruins the day” my mother, who had never ever before shown this sort of consideration to me when I was having bad mental health days (see the post about my birthday...) was actually offering to listen and trust in my judgement. She pulled me into a hug and just held me tight like she hasn’t done in years, and told me: “then that’s alright, just go back to bed. I’ll set your presents aside, you can come down later if you feel up to it and if you don’t then we understand. You’re going to ruin it more if you’re downstairs and we can tell you’re unhappy than if you take the time you need. It’s just like if you had a cold and I was sending you back to bed. We all love you kid, and sometimes you have bad days, I get it.” This was the very, very, very first time mum had shown this sort of care or compassion regarding my mental state. It was the first time I’d heard her compare mental health any sort of physical problem, and it was the first time in my memory that she hadn't been angry at me for my behaviour. So if it wasn’t bad enough that I was already a bawling mess on her shoulder just mumbling ‘thank you’ over and over, she had to go and make me cry even harder.

After curling up in my fluffy own onesie and a mound of blankets, mum caught me in the bedroom again. She just handed me something and said ‘I know I’m not good with words, but I saw this and thought of you’. It was a book called ‘a daughter is life’s greatest gift’ and it’s a little pocket book FULL of poems and quotes and bits of writing. I must have spent half an hour just reading and re-reading and crying over it. It was the sweetest thing my mother’d ever done for me.

Now, I did manage to get downstairs after a couple of hours of resting and crying on and off. And my sister told me how mum had said that they were not to crowd or pressure me today, despite how much they wanted me to open their presents from them. But it didn’t matter what present I opened, I’d had the best present of all already.

Whether she realises it or not, mum’s given me the best thing I could ask for. She’s shown that I can talk to her, and that even if we don’t often communicate very well, she is learning, and she’s trying, and she’s making the effort to be there for me and make things easier. She’s made me feel safe in the thought of talking to her, and helped me to understand her as little better as well.

Christmas this year was a reminder that sometimes the best presents are anything physical. They don’t need to cost money, or be extravagant or huge. Sometimes, the best things and the things that mean the most, are the small gestures that just help to make your life a little bit easier, or show you something you never realised was there before. I couldn't have asked for anything more meaningful or special or important.

Congrats and thank you, if you read that whole thing, there was no real reason for it, but I wanted to write it down somewhere, at least...