I need to write this. I do have people to talk to but I'm tired of talking to them and idk I feel like writing about how I feel helps a little bit to let it out. I feel stuck, like I haven't moved forward for a while, like I have been in the same depressed mood for years and it only gets worse each year, I just care less and less and I get used to not doing things I need to do and things I liked to do. Every year I alienate more and more from people, including my family. I feel completely alone, such a cliche. But really I don't feel like I have any significant friend, not a single one. I am not saying the friends I have are not good, they just simply don't care about me, and I can't blame them, I don't even give a fuck about myself so how can I expect others to care for me. And ugh okay I know, like ofc I know some of them do care but have other stuff in their lives that they have to deal with and that's one of the reasons they don't notice how I'm doing and how badly I need them to at least keep in touch with me, to send me a stupid text about literally anything. But it's always the same thing, I have already discussed with my psychologist and we have discovered the reason why people are so used to ignore me and stop talking to me so easily, it's mainly because I am so used to that since my parents did that with me so I just i don't know I got used to be treated like that, I see it like if it is normal, as to why everyone I have ever met has done this well I don't really know how to explain how my fucked up childhood affects how almost all the relationships of all kind are non significant and last less than a year, like do they just see I'm not worth their time? Do they get tired of being pushed away with no explanation? Am I that boring, that forgettable, that no one will ever stay long? If not even my family has stayed around for that long, how can I expect strangers to do so? I'm not sure what I can do for that change , I mean I know have to first change my mentality and actions towards the new people I meet (bc the ones I have already met its lost, there's nothing to rescue and I'm tired of trying to talking to them, if they had wanted they would have talked to me, right?) I hope it changes, it gets really tiring and sad and pathetic to have zero true friends, just superficial friends that talk to you bc you see them almost daily so like you have no choice. But again no one really knows much about me and viceversa, I wouldn't be able to say much about the current friends I have bc I don't pay attention to them, yes I am a shitty shittyyyyy friend (can't complain about not having friends, now can I?). I want to care for people and viceversa but I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt and not being able to recover from that (stupid and cliche ik, and not so accurate since I literally crave pain). Aghhhhh I don't know, I don't even know myself and what I want and like. And well yeah I have sometimes thought if I didn't have my parents and my sister would I have tried to kill myself? Like if I had nothing else to look forward to in life and just wanted an easy way out, would I have done it already? If I were less of a coward and cared less about everything... Ofc I'll never know, but that's not my situation so it's no use to think about that. Truth is I have a family that truly cares for me and my well being and would be seriously affected if I were to do something stupid like committing suicide or just hurt myself intentionally in anyway. Agh I don't really know how to finish this stupid rant or whatever this is, but like who gives a fuck, I'm the only one who'll ever read this. K, bye.
