#vent submission

[aro-culture-is]

(venting) aro culture is me wondering if i'm in love with my best friend/have queerplatonic feelings for her or if i just want to feel like my love for her is valid and important and feel like i can't get that with platonic love because society doesn't value it

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[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is being ashamed of being aro because you desperately want a romantic relationship

hey, anon? this is a normal fear and shame in an amatonormative culture. you will grow to be proud in time. If you can, I really recommend taking some time to evaluate who and what in your life tells you what messages about romance, and if you can balance them to be more healthy in your life right now.

I feel like it's a comparison not often discussed, which is a little odd, but - the same way a gay person raised in a homophobic family often feels ashamed of not being straight, an aro person raised in amatonormativity will often feel ashamed of not being alloromantic. It's okay.

Things do get better - and I think it's worthwhile to say that I hated that phrase before things got better. The thing is - there are some things you can't control, and I'm not asking you to do that. I'm asking you to look at yourself now, and ask, what can I do to help myself? What can I change? Is there someone who never, ever shuts up about how much being single sucks in my life? Can I politely say, "hey, I understand this is important to you, but I'd really like to talk about something else. If we can't do that, I need to do something less depressing right now, and that can't involve you."

You will become proud in time. I promise you. You will gain more power in your life, and learn to use that power to change the messages you are forced to hear. When you aren't constantly hearing things that tell you to be ashamed of who you are, it's amazing how much it changes your life.

[aro-culture-is]

aroallo culture is having to act like you don't experience sexual attraction or have sexual wants in front of other people, other aspec people included, because of how heavily they demonize sex, especially sex without romance

it feels very like. what's that meme called. the greek philosophers discussing a-spec stuff with an understanding of the inherent neutrality of sex and romance and relationships and attraction, versus folks who like...

they're in the community but they don't engage with any theory or thought? so it feels like a conversational landmine.

and in my experience, to even accept that you are aro but not ace requires getting into that theory and into those weeds, y'know?

[aro-culture-is]

I told my mom that I didn't want to vote Republican because they hate gay people like me. At first she was confused because she didn't understand that Aro falls under the Gay umbrella, and then told me that no one cares that I'm Aries

... there is so much going on there. I think the best I can really offer here is: I'm so sorry this happened to you, but also, "no one caress that I'm Aries" is now being passed around by my headmates and we are giggling. I do not know if that was autocorrect or what she said, but it's one of those things where I was gearing up to be serious and now i'm just saying variations of "No one cares that you're aries, paul. no one cares that you're aries, jimothy."

(for real, they do care, or they wouldn't run the whole "crazy cat lady with no kids" angle, but y'know, sometimes you gotta consider if it's worth arguing with people who either can't or won't understand you, and this is one of those in almost every case.

-- mod rust

[aro-culture-is]

Aroculture is being constantly alone and ignored by friends, for they only spent times with their partner.

hey, this is just like, the third vent type submission in the ask box right now: reminder I don't want vent submissions, because when i allow them, I get a lot of people coming here only for venting and it takes a toll on my mental health. I've also said the following a billion times it feels like, but:

I promise, you can find friends who don't act like that; new relationship energy (NRE) is a thing, and I try to be cautious it's not that adjustment period, but... friendship is a two way street. It's reasonable to talk about how you feel. The below is a thing you could say:

"Hey, I've noticed it seems like you only hang out if [partner] is with, and I miss having just us times sometimes. Want to [activity you used to do]?" and if you talk more about it, use "I" statements: I feel [upset, lonely, ignored], I worry, I think, I [verb]. Not "you" statements: you make me feel ignored, you're ignoring me, you don't spent time with me. I statements own your emotion, and invite conversation; you statements place blame and put them on the defensive, even if they are correct.

If that doesn't work out? Expand your social circle. Talk to classmates, join an activity or volunteer group or local action group, take walks in nature, journal, work through your emotions by acting to help yourself. I know it feels comfortable, familiar, friendly even to stay in a negative emotion, especially upset and fear. You deserve better. You deserve to be comfortable, familiar, friendly with joy and content in your life.

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is being too terrified that your friends will abandon you again to be happy for their romantic joys.

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[aro-culture-is]

aro culture is being really upset when a friend who knows about your fear of being left behind due romantic relationships and who you promised with two other friends to always stick together says that they only really want to hang out with their romantic partner and not with you, their friend. Feeling really betrayed because even though it’s “normal” they were really rude about it, and even though you know your other friends are hurting too you feel a little extra betrayed because you’re aro and they know how you feel about this stuff. even if they apologize you’re not gonna be able to trust them the same way again. and it sucks.

i'm sorry that happened, anon. that does suck.

[aro-culture-is]

Aro culture is existing in a weird paradox

You don't love, not in the same way most people do. Because of it, your "max" affection for any one person caps out at close friendship. And on one level that's great, you can make so many friends, you can have so many people close to you

In your own way, you love everyone

And that's why it hurts when people you know get into relationships. It's why it hurts when they drift away or get different priorities. It's knowing there's a level of closeness that you're not privy to, that you're excluded from

You don't exist in them at the same place they exist in you, because to them, there's a spot reserved for someone higher, and only one person can sit in it, and it can never be you

And so, you experience "heartbreak". And because you love everyone, you experience it over and over again

To be aro is to be heartbroken, all the time

Ain't that a bitch

I think, I'd like to challenge the idea that romance is more intimate than friendship. That's a way that some folks view it, sure, but it's just... not inherently true, according to many queer alloromantic friends of mine. There's different types of closeness, and maybe there are certain types that can be different, but is a close best friend of decades less close than a new romantic partner of months?

I promise that you're okay as yourself, and there's closeness without grief in your future.