#ventation

[show-me-the-stars-buddy]

Something I've learned this summer:

Risks and good Don't spite anyone ever Forgiveness is key to living If someone hurts you on purpose, don't fuck with them If someone hurts you on accident, be calm Most people aren't here to help, but many will try And last but certainly not least (quite the opposite actually) love isn't a good enough reason to stay anymore

[perceptionsyouperceive]

R.I.P. to the nose ring I had to take out😑

Shit was getting infected now I have to wait until it heals and start all over.

[fedupwiththestigma-blog]

Im literally so stressed and honestly scared of confronting my parents about my decision against what they want me to do. I had a nightmare about it last night. 

Which I may have not mentioned yet. But as yous may know im taking next semester off. My Mother has been pushing me to do so for the past year and has consistently raised the subject this fall semester. I have decided to do so and believe that it will be the best bet for my recovery, and my best choice for school for a multitude of reasons. All good right?

No because my parents despite both working and making enough money are awful with finances. They are literally betting on me signing up for six classes and than dropping them so that we can get the student loan money. Im assuming this is to cover me, rent, utilities, necessities, probably luxuries. They are expecting me to do this in order to get 9000 dollars. 

UMMMM one that's illegal. Two my medication tuition appeal has not gone through yet. In fact im not even sure of its status and need to speak with disabilities regarding it. Not to mention I have also not secured a medical withdrawal for my political science course this past semester. The year of my relapse I had to drop all except five of 17 credits. Thus, my completion rate is shit. And if I go past even a second class I no longer get loans. LIKE i cannot under any circumstances risk that! 

Now, this is followed after the hell of a week of moving where my Mother caused both my roommate and I to have over three breakdowns and or episodes, cancelled the move (without our consent after pushing us to do the move, i hardly hesitate to say with manipulation) put the move back on, multiple times without speaking with us due to financial issues. Because she after we told her repeatedly, and I said in every single conversation about the move, that my roommate can only pay x. If we cant cover it than we need to find a cheaper apartment complex. 

Basically my Ma always says "dont worry about money dont worry about money" but than holds ropes rather than strings over us, and then tries to back out and blames us.BUT if youve been keeping up with my personal posts you may already know all of this. 

my mom said dont worry about the money for taking this coming semester off, only to have not saved a dime for it, actually she gave her friend she hasn't spoken to in years a large loan. Oh and flew her half brother out that she hadnt met to take care of him for four months. WHICH ARE GOOD DEEDS but then when money is tight, or nonexistent it gets thrown on my roommate and I.

"where did the 1200 go?" to "How did you spend 1200" to "i have your credit card" to me having to sneak and look through her purse to find my student id and medical scripts that I NEED. 

I don't know. I have about 1500 left of my card as of today (school). And I have save up 500-700 (need to double check) from working in the summer. 

But that only covers rent for 4-7 months (need to do the math and confirm amounts) without spending on anything else, such as food or utilities. 

And Im scared of how they are going to react. Im scared that they are going to cut me off. Im scared that she might try to take me to the "emergency room" again (she tried to institutionalize me this summer). 

and even if I wasn't disabled, even if wasn't both mentally ill, and having a fatigue disorder, retail is not enough to cover living. And the fact remains working once a week is too much for me at this point. 

[mymiilkshakes]

Ire Ignition

They ignited the fire, It recoiled and bowed. Untamed and eager. It wavered and they grasped it making it stronger. The flame sputtered at their breaths And gleamed anew with intensity. They touched it, sweltering their finger tips. When they walked away the fire quenched. And they returned with wrathful fumes. They felt it, pondering its power. They were set aflame. My anger consumes them. Fire in my heart was scalding, And they were the fuse. - eve kheir

[thedeathofaprinc3ss]

Hormones.

So today I basically feel batshit crazy. It was bad enough when I just had to deal with raging ocd and personality disorder. Now adding pregnancy hormones into the stew...its pretty scary. And I know Josh is getting frustrated too. He wants to make me happy so desperatly and everytime I flippout at him it just makes him feel worse. But I really cant help it. As much as Id like to be the overly joyas glowing pregnant women I should be I just cant. All I do is worry about money and what my familys going to say when they find out and if Ill be a good mother. I still dont feel connected to our baby and it makes me feel so guilty. Like Im already failing. And I look in the mirror and see these big ugly spots, Ive never broken out like this before and I feel so ugly. I just want to scratch my skin off.. huh this is enough complaining for now. I just really needed to vent..

[it-was-magical-blog]

I think out of all my friendships, the one I share with you is the one that makes the least amount of sense and is the most complicated. There are days I hate you so much, I wonder how I could ever be friends with you. But then there are days when I don't know what I'd do without you. You're frustrating, weird, creepy at times, cocky, rude, and annoying. But you're also amazing, funny, rational, there for me no matter what, and comforting. You're everything good and everything bad at the same time.