#ventblogging

[halfahundredcats]

Chanting to myself: you do NOT need to respond to that very very incorrect fandom post, you do NOT need to respond to that very very incorrect fandom post, you do NOT need to res…

Instead making my own post to say

[rose-kalliope]

So Steven Universe is really over, huh. Like all the way over.

So I wanna talk about my thoughts about it, but they’re basically about Jasper.

Spoilers under the cut.

So Jasper was a character that I really related to. I won’t go into why too much, but basically I saw myself in her circumstances and the way she viewed herself.

I was really, really hoping she’d get a full arc. We basically saw her go from “troubled but in good shape” in her first appearances to “trapped in an abusive relationship” in Malachite, to “alone and wishing she was being abused again because it made her feel something approaching complete” in the post-Malachite arc to “corrupted and in a bubble” by Beta. She languished there until the end of the first series, which I was really hoping was gonna be her nadir. I was really hoping she’d get more of an arc in Future.

What we got was her living in destroyed woods, using really unhealthy coping mechanisms. The next time she showed up, she’s shattered, revived, and for maybe a couple of minutes she feels like she’s back where she’s supposed to be, serving the Diamond she was meant to serve. Then she gets told to do something better with her life and is immediately abandoned. That is probably her lowest point.

And we never really get to see her recover from that. The next and last time we see her, she is admittedly hanging around in Little Homeworld, which kind of implies that she’s trying to move forward and make -some- progress. But she’s still calling Steven “My Diamond” and she’s probably still feeling the weight of all that trauma.

And that’s just... where we leave her. The best we get is an implication. She’s still feeling purposeless and lost without the social order for which she was built. Everyone else, from Peridot to White Diamond, gets some kind of an arc where we see that they’re doing better. But Jasper is the only one aside from like, Aquamarine, who doesn’t really get to grow.

In case it isn’t obvious, I’m projecting myself onto Jasper, here. I was hoping that if Jasper got to be okay, I might get to be okay too.

I realize that’s stupid and I’m not a TV show. But seeing someone who reminds you of you get to be okay is kinda emotionally powerful, you know?

Oh well, there’s this one character in My Hero Academia who might scratch that itch for me -

Hope she’ll be okay!

[savefrog]

High school me: i like girls!! But i feel kinda uncomfy when i call myself a lesbian. It MUST be Internalized Lesbophobia, i will keep doing this

Me later: wait fuck shit no im just a guy

[coldwarcynicide]

turns out...drugging myself to get more than 5 hours a night was actually making me more drowsy during the day. like maybe something’s only wrong with me if I feel tired all the time- maybe the healthy number of hours to sleep is the number my body naturally wants.

[birras0]

I finally found the words to describe what I’ve been feeling the past few weeks

If I’m trying to write collaboratively and what I’m doing isn’t bringing any joy to the other people involved, what the fuck am I trying to do besides waste peoples’ time

[quickscribe]

I love my family but the casual homophobia and transphobia they exhibit on a near daily basis hurts me too much. I love my family but I'm miserable living with them. I love my family but the longer I live with them, the more appealing homelessness is. I love my family but the way they talk about people like me makes me hate myself. I love my family but I have to shut myself in my room just to protect myself because the things they say hurt me. I love my family but I wish I had a second family who would accept me the way I am and never say things to hurt me. I love my family but I feel alone, alienated, and outnumbered when I'm with them. I love my family but I don't really feel like I'm a part of my family. I love my family but I need to escape.

[savefrog]

hhrhgnghh

Me: im such a fake i must be a transtrender im doing it just bc i think its FUN and NEW and makes me SPECIAL because i just have to be ‘something’ and seek attention i dont even have dysphoria im just some tumblr snowflake

Also me: i will sooner die than tell you my pronouns unprompted, i get anxiety whenever the word pronoun is even mentioned in public, couldnt even bring myself to wear a pronoun pin at a lgbt friendly event out of fear itd ruin my career chances, ive had gender identity issues since preschool, had violent reactions to misgendering as a child even though i didn’t understand why, have chest “””discomfort”””, CONSTANTLY wanted to be included with the boys, felt deeply uncomfortable in locker rooms, had a long period where i couldnt look at myself in a mirror and want to shrivel up and die anytime someone calls me a woman

Me: it doesn’t count bc i called myself a fanGIRL once in middle school and ID’d as a lesbian in high school. this is just a phase that im “stuck” in it bc i wont grow up : / :/ i should just become normal now.

[birras0]

really wish i knew how to be excited about something without being a nuisance to everyone around me