#venting alert

[thatwizardofearthsea]

Don't know if FS is already dead or dying but if a niche sport is gatekept for this long and only be seen as a free medal source to certain two countries, I don't even think it can be called "alive" . I think this sport was worthy of getting followed with Kostner, Mao, Yuna and then with that 2012-2018 era, it could be so exciting if they didn't rig the scoring badly in singles after 2018. There are other niche sports dominated by certain countries like archery, though the competition is still diverse and that even motivates you to give a try to that sport. I can't tell same thing here, it looks hopeless and chauvinist on top of being "niche" because mostly it is approachable to second gen people or rich kids. Plus, that is a vicious cycle if the small countries don't do certain investments it's gonna keep being less diverse and more problematic. Why they would invest? To get discriminated? Sorry for the "doom and gloom" but recent decisions even made those facts worse to me

[checanty]

By the way, the vacation photo studies are a Tumblr special because Instagram/FB mess too much with my overall reach if one of my posts doesn’t ‘perform’ well, so I can't really risk anything. It’s very frustrating. I guess in a way it forces me to churn out quality posts, but it’s also really messed up because it enforces the tendency to consider both yourself and your audience as commodities? And it makes me super cynical about everything. Like I’ve noticed an increase of fellow artists asking their followers random things and making Twitter polls. Which is great, right? BUT when at the same time the amount of general social media advice is to do exactly that because you need to increase engagement it just seems ... I don’t know. I mean the whole performative vulnerability Art for Asking thing is great when its an authentic development, but its plain weird when it becomes a sales strategy. Honestly it’s one of the reasons I really like freelancing and want to keep it my main income despite stuff like Patreon/Kickstarter being a really good alternative for artists nowadays. I like sharing process things and I like making books and sometimes I like talking about things and I value the folks who support me and with whom I’m lucky enough to be online and art peers (mutuals?). It just really sucks the joy out of it when making a living is all wrapped up in it, not that that’s easy to untangle nowadays. I don’t know. I just want to have clear cut between ‘things I do because i want to’ and ‘things I do because it’s my job’. And not having to consider whether I have a marketable personality. Because that just puts me back in high school, no thank you. And even writing this publicly. Does this make me a hypocrite?! Probably. Oh dear. Why can’t things be simple like. once. ANYWAYS. My Tumblr people are the goodest and I really like the blog & ask format. To end this on a positive note.

[thatwizardofearthsea]

Today it is one of those days I've noticed that I'd rather prefer to study for this exam forever instead of going back my previous lab.

I was talking to one of my former lab mates, she said she has been studying for the USMLE secretly and she is happy about her decision. Going back to the clinical practice in medicine or vet medicine is so much peaceful than staying in a place like our lab and it sounds crazy when you know about the work load and patients etc. We have got zero guidance by spending years on something useless basically. Our (former) PI would be happy if only you manage to give her a Nature paper or get EMBO or MSCA fellowship. She only cares about your image as a superstar trainee, other goals are never good enough. And that's insane. Imagine you are told to be nothing and ostracized even if you are a great scientist because you don't bring the right publicity into the lab.

[thatwizardofearthsea]

Freya was murdered by the Norwegian government. This is brutal for many ways. Seriously what is wrong with human beings? Isn't it enough to overpopulate and infiltrate this planet, poarching animals, causing deadily pandemics and now you are murdering them for the sake of your yacht trips? You didn't even wait for the vets or animal scientists to take action, you are a disgrace Norway.

[thatwizardofearthsea]

This is how I exactly feel today

[thatwizardofearthsea]

So our local hospital doesn't isolate the COVID patients at the emergency room you share the space uninfected and infected together. By a quick search I've seen that is general practice in many countries. Did we lose our minds? There are still protocols to isolate Influenza cases but not COVID???

I visited the hospital for an injection and I'm under too many risks now. Fuck all this normalization of mass infection. I'm sick of this insanity

[curly-hot-brat]

Venting alert.

Trigger warning: mention of death, mourning, loss of a loved one.

I lost my grampa this past March. He had Alzheimer's for the past 13 years. We caught it very early on and were able to slow down the progression of it the best we could. It was one of the most weird experiences in my life to slowly mourn the loss of someone that was still alive, but at the same time was slowly fading away to the point he didn't recognize me anymore. Even tho we where aware that we'd lose him soon, his death was very sudden cause he had a heart attack even tho he was in great physical condition, everything considered. I was in my college town and didn't get to say my last goodbye. My brother called me to let me know he was in the hospital and a few minutes later that he had passed. I had to rush home for the funeral cause we don't wait days or weeks for it in my country.

Today is my grandma's birthday. It's her first birthday without him. Thursday would've been his birthday. I'm going to college on a different city and since I suck at remembering dates, and my mom deliberately didn't remember me cause the cost of going home just for her birthday was not something my parents could expend right now, I didn't get to see her in person. I made a videocall and talked to her, and I think she's better than I am. I am a wreck. He was my biggest father figure cause me and my dad don't actually get along and I had to stop leaning on him right when I was becoming a teen. That was brutal for me. And to not be able to be with my family today is also being terrible for me.

My graduation party is this year even tho I'm gonna take another year to actually get my diploma (private party). We're gonna have a studio photoshoot next month and the outfit will be a black pantsuit. My grampa was a taylor. I wish he could have made my suit for me. I wish he was alive and well to see me graduate.

I don't know where I'm going with this... I think I just needed to get it out of my chest... Losing someone you love is hard...

[curly-hot-brat]

Venting alert:

(TW: body talk, body shaming, eating disorder mention)

My graduation party is in November and yesterday I went to a store to try out some dresses and figure out what I liked on my body and what I would look for, cause my mom wants to buy my dress online and I was feeling lost on what to chose.

The dresses they had were all very beautiful, and I picked a few to try on. But none of them fit me.

I was so devasteded about it, and then my mom started to talk to the lady helping us about how I need to loose weight and how lazy I am and assuring the lady that I was gonna loose weight until my party, and what was already a bad experience made me feel awful.

After this I just wanted to go home and cry, but my mom had to keep talking about my weight and my body with one of the owners of the store that she's friends with and the girl was actually very nice and offered to send me some lookbooks of the stores she buys from so that I could choose my dress and she'd order it for my size and even have it custumized with the color I wanted.

I think I stayed in the shop around 40 minutes and I spent only 20 trying on then dresses. After we left I just wanted to be left alone and get home and cry my eyes out cause I was feeling so out of place and so wrong for not fitting in any of the dresses, but of course my mom wanted to talk to me and I ended up lashing out on her.

I was so devasteded with the whole experience that I got home and I started to make plans to starve myself in order to loose weight and look good on the dress I get for my graduation and now I'm honestly worried about developing an eating disorder in order to have a patern body.

I talked to a friend about it and he was honestly amazing in reassuring me that her vision of my body is wrong and that I don't have to follow her hurtfull way of thinking but like I told him, it's hard to break a pattern of self hate when you're still in contact with the very person that taught you that and that keeps encouraging you to do it...

I'm gonna talk about all of this with my therapist, but since my session is Tuesday and I still feel terrible about it, I just needed to let it out some more...