#phd life

[friedaaaaaaargh]

How is one meant to research and write two thesis chapters IN TWO WEEKS and double check their data analysis is correct. Asking for friend xxxxx

[punishedsaints]

[yitlof23]

Day 3

after today, there is only one more day left. for a month! exciting stuff, really. went to the gas station--my card worked. went to the dollar store and my car didnt work. asked my boyfriend which laundromat in Astera is safe to leave and he said none. sigh. went home. tried to do more work, pounding headache. i guess im skipping some bouts of crying.

it's embarassing, i cant stop crying. every little inconveince introduces a new moodbreak, a new tear to cry. how do i tell my boyfriend that i cant live in this town forever? i mean he already knows, but how do i tell him in a way that ensures he knows that one day i will not live here? schools almost out for a month. my ocd has me scared that this page will come back to haunt me, digital footprint and all, you know how it goes.

it's embarrassing, i can't stop crying. how do i hide this from my bf? i don't want him to know the extent of this depressive episode. i've never had one so bad, i didn't even know i was capable of it.

it's embarrassing, i can't stop crying. i was supposed to go grocery shopping today, i didn't. well, i had things delievered. grocery were still bought.

it's embarassing, i can't stop napping. i was supposed to get a bunch of work done today. i've done some of it. but i can't stop napping.

9 days until i see my favorite band again.

song of the day: the rocks by 5sos

[as-told-by-sura]

الحمدلله ربْ العالمين

…😭🥹 اجتزت الدكتوراة بنجاح

I passed my PhD defense!!!

[yitlof23]

Day 2

short entry today because I have work in an hour :( but I got work done just to not even need it done by today. two more days of finals week and then I am free for a month yipee.

i decided last night that i am going to give myself on more semester before pivoting. A made a point that we have so much time to pivot until something sticks. eventually something will stick, right? i feel lost and its not a comfortable feeling. but, hey, i live by getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. i just wish it didn't feel like my life is on the line.

anyway, tonight i work a show at my local music venue. pretty sure all the people i like are calling out lol. we just had a long week with only a short break. then we have a big show on saturday. there's another one in between those but i don't work the friday one.

im ready for my job to be minimal and i think the end of the semester will come and nothing will have changed. welp, here's to figuring yourself out.

song of the day: someday by the strokes

[ursaintimus]

I have to give a report on my dissertation progress soon and I don’t know how to say “I’ve done shit all this summer because my life exploded”

[malenkaya-sova]

I hate my PhD 🙃 so tired of this project, I dread going into lab everyday… my motivation has completely evaporated. I want to care but I can’t bring myself to care. I stupidly resent my coworker for being so motivated in his project.

[yitlof23]

Day 1

yesterday was rough. really rough. i knew before i even got started with my day that it was going to be rough. i looked at my partner in bed and i told him that i would cry. i did cry, no surprises there. today, it was clear that i wasn't ready to continue, but with my tasks for today, i had no other option. i ruminate. it cycles between the things closest to me: what am i doing with my life can i get a phd should i get a phd why am i studying does my boyfriend secretly hate me was i too annoying last night am i burden when will he get sick of me is he manipulating me search rocd search search search rocd and when you're done with that heres this phantom feeling of itchiness and discomfort. today i had a piece of lemon cake and a bag of popcorn, i had tortilla chips from last nights mexican. today i started a blog. the cool thing about starting a blog and being a graduate student researcher and posting journal entries is that i can use my drawings as photo voice data and i could qualitatively code and maybe i'll be able to figure out whats wrong with me.

i worked today though, i did. i had to and im still putting some things off but i can do them before my meeting at noon tomorrow. expert procrastinator but work and work and work and school and school is a lot on the mind. yesterday i opened up to A about many things. i opened up to him about my self worth being wrapped around school and how i do not want to be a cog in the corporate machine or the academia machine. a cog in a suit versus a cog in a regalia. i researched how to become a piercing apprentice but thats not right either. i know the answer but do i? I feel doubt in myself. there's very little i can trust myself on i feel like but sometimes that not true either, it's all very confusing. the second thing i opened up to him about more was wanting to call him daddy in nonsexual contexts. i feel weird about it though. i know that the kink itself is wrapped in how comfortable and safe he makes me feel. how much of me he has healed emotionally. he knows me in ways that no one else does and he embraces me over and over again. i think my biggest fear is involuntary age regression, but it's not that i experience that i don't think. here's what happens: something will happen that triggers me and i begin to feel safe and vulnerable, i begin to feel like i can let go of my worries and just lay with daddy. he doesn't find it weird, so maybe i am overthinking. yes, definitely overthinking.

is there such thing as sharing too much on a tumblr page? is it corny to ask invisible people on tumblr questions? does it even matter? there's one person on my research team who could totally have a tumblr, but what are the chances of her seeing this and clocking me? low, so it's fine. i think i will post this and log off and shower. when i am done with my shower, i will get in pjs, then i will put on a fantasy playlist on spotify and read and then go to bed so i can be up early for work tmrw. and i have a concert to work tmrw night! busy day, im tired of busy days.

does anyone else feel completely detached from what's going on in the world? is it terrible to say that i feel numb to it? i just checked my phone to see more terrible news, and all i can do is feel nothing. im so tired of feeling everything. but is feeling nothing better? im not sure i feel that way either.

song of the day: storm clouds by sleeping with sirens