I'm going to overexplain every song I put on Vera's playlist and why I put them on it
Even though nobody asked
This is gonna be a long ass post
I don't think anyone is actually going to read all of this
CW: suicidal ideation (passive suicidal ideation as well), the loss of loved ones/pets and the grieving process, alcoholism, dissociation, mentions of an ED, daddy issues?? Abandonment issues?? Vomiting??? I don't know guys she's just sad as hell
Notes:
I mention memories of her mother a lot; in most of those situations, the memories of military school also may apply
There is SO MUCH MITSKI she is NOT happy
I say self explanatory a lot here
Mitski - Class of 2013:
I think this one is pretty self explanatory, she misses her mom. "Mom, can you wash my back? This once, and then we can forget" her mom used to wash her back for her when she was little and when her childhood pet died, she misses the warmth and care in her touch. So yes pretty self explanatory but still makes me suffocate
Mitski - Door:
Okay so many people interpret this song as like something completely different from me but that's the joy of interpretation everybody is different!!!! This song is on her playlist because she's been chasing a part of herself (the part of her that longs to create connections with people) for so long. Here's a quick breakdown of it
"There is a door to me / I've never seen it / Sometimes I get closer to it / But I've never found it" self explanatory, the door is her need for connection and she never really got to fulfill that need
"At twilight, I almost had it / But then the night fell / I looked out at the dark and wondered / How could I have lost it?" There's like a parallel (probably the wrong word) to this; first, when she was fourteen ("at twilight") she almost got the connection she wanted and then her mom passed away yikes!! And second, there's been multiple times she's nearly formed a real connection (in her definition. To the others, she already has a real connection with them) with someone on the team only for them to get hurt soon after and so she always pushes that away again
I can't explain the second verse it's just it just makes sense to me
Mitski - A Horse Named Cold Air:
This song to me is about not being happy with the way that your life turned out which Vera very much is not
"A lake with no fish" a life without meaning. Something supposed to nurture but there is nothing to nurture, if that makes sense
The next three lines, "Is the heart of a horse named cold air", I don't have an interpretation on except for the idea that cold air = loneliness, depression in a way
"Who when young, would run, like a storm, they would say" when she was young her life was full. Not entirely full, because of course her dad's alcoholism and whatnot, but I think that just adds more to the "like a storm". In her case she barely remembers her childhood because she was put through so much that her mind simply pushed everything away to protect her (dissociation!!) from any more turmoil; which leads into the "they would say" because she only really would remember more about her childhood if somebody from that time was to talk to her about it
"I thought I'd traveled a long way but I had circled the same old sin" shes getting older and theres so much shes changed in her life yet its just not enough. Really thinking about it, she hasn't done really anything since fourteen that she would consider fulfilling. She doesn't feel like she's a better person than when she was fourteen "circled the same old sin"
Can you guys tell I think this is actually HER song
Faye Webster - Say It Now:
A lot of this song is pretty self explanatory lol
"If you're anything like me, you miss the chance to say what you mean" she is almost entirely incapable of speaking her mind nowadays purely because of it being conditioned out of her to have her own thoughts and feelings. So she never really opens up about how she feels about things and what she really means behind her words
"When you're lonesome and everyone forgets that you're there, all we do is sit patiently" she's often dead quiet when the team goes out for outings, like to the bar and whatnot so she's ignored a lot of the time and she just sits there until theyre leaving
"well the worst is when someone talks, in response you say nothing at all / you're expected to solve all of their pain, you just want them to back off" self explanatory
Faye Webster - Alone Again:
Also pretty self explanatory but y'know 😚
"Alone again / I could see somebody comin' a mile in / I've lost so much more than I'll admit / so I'm just sittin' here, alone again" self explanatory...SORRY I KEEP SAYING THAT. Fayes music doesn't leave a lot to interpretation (/pos!!!!!)
"maybe I'll visit my dad this weekend" you kinda can't babes he literally disappeared after you graduated
"My mind's empty as the room I'm sleeping in" she doesn't decorate her penthouse at all. She only decorates it with photos of her mom here and there and that's it. She doesn't keep any of the photos in her room because she can't bear to look at them
"I'm talking to my dog, just crying" except it's her cat
The rest is.. can you guess it
Self explanatory
Mitski - Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart:
Now I know this song is more so about love and whatnot but I added this for a few select lines.
"Now I lay as I study a blank wall, would you spare me your voice if I called?" She wakes up in a panic at night from nightmares of her mother and she'll try to call her before she registers reality again. Sometimes she calls anyways because for some reason even though she knows it's impossible she holds on to hope that she'll hear her mom's voice again
"I'm not the girl I ought to be / and not how I turned out to be" idk man she just hates who she is and who she became
"there's some kind of burning inside me / it's kept me from falling apart / and I'm sure that you've seen what its done to my heart / but its kept me from falling apart" that burning is a desire to make herself useful in some way before she dies, as well as the constant dissociation and compartmentalization that "kept me from falling apart". "And I'm sure that you've seen what its done to my heart" is self explanatory. The dissociation, the desire, the compartmentalization, it's all destroying her and eating away at her slowly. She longs to be useful so bad that she'd pick herself apart if someone so wished
"now I lay here as I wonder about you / would you just tell me what I'm meant to do" about her parents, specifically her mom. She would always go to her mom for any kind of life advice and whatnot. She doesn't know what to do with herself anymore since she was left alone
Labrinth, Zendaya - I'm Tired:
...self explanatory. She's tired of everything and ready to stop fighting. The only thing keeping her going is the need to fulfill other's needs
"You know I'm tired / you know I'm tired of tears / just cut me loose / you know I'm fighting / I'm sure this world is done with me / I don't wanna win" passive suicidal ideation is something she deals with daily, this song is basically that put into music
"how long can I stay, in a place that can't contain me" idk I just like this lyricism 💕
MARINA - The Family Jewels:
This is literally just in here because of her daddy issues and the fact she doesn't want to become an alcoholic like her father or relate to him in any way but she is nonetheless
Mitski - Bug Like an Angel:
Again, her alcoholism
"As I got older, I learned I'm a drinker / sometimes a drink feels like family" in both the way that it's comforting to her and the way that it reminds her of her dad, which causes some serious internal turmoil by the way
"Did you go and make promises that you can't keep? / Well, when ya break em, they break you right back" both in the way that her father promised her he'd get better and then he broke that promise which almost immediately resulted in the wreckage of their thin ice relationship, and in the way that she promised herself she'd be nothing like her father and then she broke that promise to herself
Mitski - I Don't Like My Mind:
Sighhh.....self explanatory again
"I don't like my mind, I don't like being left alone in a room" she can't stand silence because her mind starts to wander to places she isn't ready to unpack yet (which is the reason she loves listening to Spencer sm, he keeps her mind occupied)
"and I work myself to the bone" she is constantly busy doing anything possible to, well, keep herself busy. She doesn't know how to relax anymore
"and on an inconvenient Christmas, I eat a cake / a whole cake, all for me / and then I get sick and throw up / and there's another memory that gets stuck / inside the walls of my skull" she'll often find herself alone doing things that remind her of childhood memories and it makes her sick to think about them and often causes her to spiral
"waiting for it's turn to talk / and it may be a few years / but you can bet it's there, waiting still" shes constantly pushing those memories down, refusing to talk about them to a friend or even therapist. She knows she has to eventually but she just cant
Mitski - When Memories Snow:
This is about her repressing memories and feelings as well
"When memories snow and cover up the driveway / I shovel all those memories / clear the path to drive to the store" her pushing the memories aside to keep going on in life
"and when memories melt / I hear them in the drain pipe / drippin' down the downspout / as I lie awake in the dark" she's an insomniac at its finest, and sometimes she'll end up thinking about memories with her mom while trying to fall asleep. You know how rain just like drips at a steady pace from the downspout? It'll drive you insane if you're trying to sleep, that's how it feels when she can't shift her thoughts away from the memories
"and if I break, could I go on break?" If she ever finally talked about her trauma and spilled everything, she wonders if it would make her feel better. She never will, but she wonders
"be back in my room, writing speeches in my head" those speeches she's thinking about are in fact not speeches they are suicide notes and/or what the last things she'd say to everybody would be.
Mitski - I'm Your Man:
This song to me is how she feels about anyone willing to get close to her. She doesn't like that idea because she's only going to let them down in the end. I like to think this is more about Circe then anyone else because she tries so hard for Vera
"You're an angel, I'm a dog / or you're a dog, and I'm your man / you believe me like a god / I'll destroy you like I am" in the way that a dog is "mans best friend", circe is loyal and friendly to Vera no matter what she does, how she treats her, etc. third and fourth lines are again about how circe is so devoted to "fixing her" and she believes vera can be better, when in reality vera is only going to end up bringing circe down with her
"so when you leave me I should die / I deserve it, don't I?" There's that suicidal ideation again and the abandonment issues she suffers from
"I can feel it getting near / like flashlights coming down the way / one day you'll figure me out / I'll meet judgement by the hounds" one day Circe is going to stop trying to help her (at least in Vera's head) because she'll realize just how futile it is and how hopeless Vera is
"you believe me like a god / I'll betray you like a man" self explanatory again
Mitski - Working for the Knife:
"I cry at the start of every movie / I guess cause I wish I was making things too / but I'm working for the knife" again with the idea that shes unhappy with how she turned out, she doesn't see herself as someone important in life because she's not doing anything with herself or fulfilling anything
"I always knew the world moves on / I just didn't know it would go without me" she didn't get time to grieve her mother because of military school
Also the repeated "I'm working for the knife" alludes to her working as a sniper for so long, she was a weapon in a way to the FBI before she got a little bit of her autonomy back
"I used to think I'd be done by 20 / now at 29, the road ahead appears the same / though maybe at 30 I'll see a way to change / that I'm living for the knife" again, she's unhappy with how she turned out. The only reason she's still going (on to thirty, even) is because she is useful as a tool ("living for the knife") to do whatever anyone else pleases of her
Also I'd like to bring up the progression of the knife lines. It starts with "But I'm working for the knife" like she's hesitant, apprehensive about working as a weapon (rightfully so). This would've been when she was around 14-15, just starting military school when she had been picking fights and whatnot. The second and third lines, "Cause I'm working for the knife / That I'm living for the knife", are the acceptance in a way. Hesitant acceptance that this is who she's going to be in the second line, and then even more acceptance in the third. The final line, "That I'm dying for the knife", would be about her realizing she has no purpose in the world if she can't be useful.
Mitski - Everyone:
I can't explain this one, it just makes sense to me. Feel free to add your interpretation in the replies
Mitski - There's Nothing Left for You:
I am getting SO tired guys jesus
This song to me is about Vera thinking about who she could've been.
"nothing in this room / try and go outside / nothing waits for you / you had it once before / not anymore" just the fact she has nothing going for her right now (or so she thinks)
"so go on to that sweetheart's door / and find a new you" that sweetheart would be referring to who she could've been if she never went through what she did. I feel like maybe that sweetheart could also be referring to Circe. Vera could've been as sweet as Circe (considering how timid and sweet she was as a kid) and so she sees just a teensy bit of herself in her, a part of her that she lost
Mitski - Nobody:
Self explanatory again. When does the mitski end there's SO MUCH
Mitski - Fireworks:
This is about her repressing things again and just moving on with life no matter what happens to her
"One morning, this sadness will fossilize / and I will forget how to cry / I'll keep going to work and he won't see a change / save perhaps a slight gray in my eye" repression
"i will go jogging routinely / calmly and rhythmically run / and when I find that a knife sticking out of my side / I'll pull it out without questioning why" again, repression
"and then one warm summer night / I'll hear fireworks outside / and I'll listen to memories as they cry, cry, cry" the repression piling up to be too much for her, which is when she would get drunk to cry her emotions out
Billie Eilish - TV:
FINALLY NO MORE MITSKI...I LOVE MITSKI BUT IT IS EXHAUSTING DECIPHERING HER MUSIC
Okay clearly this song is about losing someone you romantically love but just like Goodbye, My Danish Sweetheart, I put it in here for a few select lines
"I don't wanna talk right now / I'll stay in the pool and drown" her exhaustion catching up to her and the suicidal ideation again.
"maybe I should get some sleep / what's the point of anything? / You don't have the time, you leave them all behind" ↑↑↑
"don't know where you are right now / did you see me on TV?" About her dad. As much as she hates him she still wants validation so terribly, she begrudgingly hopes that he sees her on TV when reporters and whatnot get nosy about their cases
"I'll try not to starve myself / just because you're mad at me" she didn't get to eat a lot throughout the first few months of military school as punishment for causing fights. She struggled with an ED for a year or so because of this, but she's mostly healed from it nowadays
"and I don't get along with anyone / maybe I'm the problem" self deprecation because hello she is so bad at communication and socializing and all that
Billie Eilish - BLUE:
Once more, only for some very specific lines.
"you were born bluer than a butterfly / beautiful and so deprived of oxygen / colder than your father's eyes / he never learned to sympathize with anyone" self explanatory, she has the same eyes as her father by the way
"you were born reaching for your mother's hands / too afraid to step outside / paranoid and petrified of what you've heard" she was a timid kid, basically clinging to her mother at all times
"I sleep bout three hours each night" insomnia at its finest
"I don't blame you, but I can't change you / I don't hate you, but I can't save you" how she feels about her younger self
Conan Gray - Winner:
Finally the last song bear with me guys
"packed my bags at fourteen / I hadn't planned on leaving" y'know cause her dad kinda sent her off without her willingness
"the only thing you've proven / is that there's no one / who ever has done better / at making me feel worse" about her father, so is "yeah, there's nothing / that ever did quite kill me / more than what you did" because she had just started to trust her father again and then he picked up the bottle again and sent her off when she needed him the most
"how do I somehow feel guilty / when you're the one who let it get this bad? / I was only trying to survive your chaos / well, look at how it's paid off"
Death isn't something Vera fears or sees as something to fear, she views it as freedom and welcomes it with open arms. She's never gotten time to spend on herself since 14, so to her, "maybe the afterlife will be kinder" (her words) than the world she lives in
This photo looks like vera's mugshot if she ever got one and it's making me want to make a bot where she got arrested.
I just can't think of how I would go about it. She'd be arrested probably over a DUI or assault (self-defense or someone was just bothering her and wouldn't leave her alone after being asked numerous times) I just don't know where to go from there
