I have this dream where I’m constantly wanting to go home.
It’s recurring, crops up every once in awhile for the past several years of my life.
And in all these years and I have yet to figure out what it means.
I’m not somebody who thinks everything within our dreams is some veiled symbolism, that it all has a deeper meaning or that your subconscious is secretly trying to tell you something. Half of it is complete nonsense, and some of it is simple enough to unravel. You have a dream about sex because your libido is raging. You dream about an old childhood friend because perhaps you’re feeling nostalgic for old times. You dream of your mother braiding your hair and exuding a calming energy because you long for that sort of missing comfort.
But I can’t seem to get over the way I feel in this particular dream. I want to go home so badly, it’s this unquenchable yearning. It puts me on edge.
It’s always the same. Sometimes the situation is different, but the feeling, the burning need for someone to look at me when I say, “I want to go home” and comprehend exactly what it is that I’m saying to them... Their eyes; their faces are always stagnant.
In the dream, no one understands what I’m saying, as if I’m speaking some sort of riddle to them. Which is ironic, because in my waking life I also do not know what I’m saying within the dream. I clearly wish to go home, but the why is a constant mystery.
What is home? What is so bad about my current placement that I wish to leave it? Is it more about home or about being somewhere I don’t want to be? And why does no one seem to understand the importance of going home? Why is it only me that wants to return to there? Why is everyone else content to be where they are?
Is it about safety? Do I feel unsafe in my waking life and ‘home’ is where I feel most comfortable? Or is it about feeling as if I don’t belong there, have never belonged there, and I want to go to the place where I feel like home is? Of course they wouldn’t understand this, because to them they’re always home.
I’m never home.
I never go home in the dream. I don’t think I know where home is.