#versatale

[benthemetaphor]

Shaping Changes

maybe i just entered the wrong circle. what i mean to say is that maybe i just tried to fit in to a new set of people without noticing that i’m triangularly shaped while i’m trying to ‘puzzle in’ my figure for a box. maybe i just had the wrong look on the map that’s why when i turned my car into another road it feels like cliff or a dead end was rudely waiting for me to fall.

definitely, all of my maybes are true. i am certain that my life before was controlled by other people. i was like a puppet and the social anxiety is my savage ventriloquist. and now that the strings inside of me are broken and cut into thin strands, i can freely move just like the bird set free.

i can voice out opinion without considering the fact that some would disfavor with my perspective. i can now travel, read books, listen to music and watch tv series without hearing from the other side that its just all about hype and being cool. i can now be a triangle without chasing any hole for me to fit in into the square or even circle of life. 

[benthemetaphor]

An open letter to the man who loves my man,

 Never have I ever thought I would be writing to the man who loves my man. It is both painful and weird to say the flowery words intended for him, not for you. But I guess fate brought me here to scribble this down. And I will use you (yes you Claydee!) to show how much I HAD LOVED him.

 A psychological study says that having a crush only lasts for four months. But when feelings last longer, you are considered to be “In Love”. And it’s not just been four minutes, four days, & neither four months, it has been exactly four years!

 You know what Claydee, I met him during a regional competition when I was in 3rd year High School. And our school in Tanza was the host of the literary event. I still remember the way he looks that day. He portrayed the Prince in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. And just like the nameless prince in the story, I didn’t also even had a chance to know his name or even identity.

But I promised myself back then, for the next time I’ll see that ‘Nameless Prince’ again, I’ll be writing down his name as my surname. And I still remember on how my classmates laughed-loud at my confidence and guts during that time.

 And I still remember my first year days in CvSU. And it’s also on the first week that I saw him in the campus. I had an ‘OMG’ moment back then. We are on the same ground again. We’re breathing the same thick air. God damn it! Then soon, I had knew his name, course and a lot everything about him. The world is so small that fate brought us here together.

 But last semester, my HS bff told me about your relationship. At first, I just can’t imagine the fact that it is true. That the rumors about both of you are legit. Tho, marami na rin ang nagsasabi na kayo na nga, patuloy kung nilalason ang isip ko sa ilusyong magiging kami, na hindi pwedeng maging kayo.

 But I guess love is about also about dealing with pain and sacrifice. And I’m willing to see you somebody else, as long as you are happy, contented and free.

 I supposed time heals everything. And now that I’m truly enlightened, I’m writing this letter to list down all of my frustrations and regrets in the past. The things I wanted to do if I we’re to be her Princess.

Claydee, please never let him go. I know there will be a lot of judgments in our world right now but never mind those shits. Never mind the friends or even families who tells something terrible at your back. Never mind the religion; but mind both of your faith. Never mind all of the things that can break both of you apart.

Claydee, please call him every 2am and say you’re missing him so much. Tell him that he’s been part of your dream that’s why you couldn’t get into sleep. Buy him a vanilla ice cream when his upset. Travel and take photos with him. Consistently write him notes & letters in scented bond paper so he could not just absorbed the special scent but merely your effort. And since Netflix is now in our country, do the ‘Netflix and chill’ thing. And never mind if it leads to the ‘teary yet sweaty side of watching’ because that’s what Netflix is made for couples like you. Buy him a book every month and take notes on the parts that describes or has a significance on your status.

And when you’re both living together na, make sure that you will be the first person he’ll see when he wakes up. Bring him coffee when he’s trying to stay late at night because he is studying on how to cure your adopted dogs by using herbal medicines. Play the songs that you both like and dance freely as if there no rules in dancing.

Claydee, I have lots of things to say. Pero mukhang hanggang dito na muna. Sa ngayon, huwag kang magsasawang mahalin siya kagaya ng pagmamahal ko sa kanya. Claydee, thank you and God bless!

[benthemetaphor]

It’s cliché but for God sake, do not live just to please the people or the world around you. Don’t do what people expect. Instead we should live up on our own expectations. If you want to go with your slumber garment down the street, fine! Dress the way you want! Go get and eat some extra rice with no doubt of gaining weight! Fart; pick your nose and anything that disgusts the vast of people around you?! Come on, yes there is ethics, I mean it’s just a standard, a set of rules to be studied perhaps. You can break norms unless you are thoroughly against the law. I think there is no international code of conducts of farting. Go ahead and quit the course that your mama/papa told you so. Tell them if you want me to be happy and fruitful someday, you will let me pursue on what I want to be, my passions in life. Go paint, sing, dance and act like there is no Van Gogh, Whitney, Di Caprio etc. Don’t live on the judgement of the “self-proclaimed critics” of those stars ‘cause no one is actually born to rate an individual’s worth. Live the way you imagine and not by others think. Besides, at the end of the day, you will make and decide your own path.

[benthemetaphor]

Sigarilyo ni Karo

minsan, hiniling ko na sana maalala mo ako sa bawat pagkakataon. na nawa ay parati akong sumasagi sa isip mo, ano man ang kinikilos mo. minsan inisip ko na sa bawat paghithit at pagbuga mo ng sigarilyo ay agad ang amoy ko ang papasok sa utak mo. na tila nagiinit hindi lamang ang iyong labi bagkos ang diwa’t puso mo. ngunit gaya ng iyong bisyo, nasa yugto na ba tayo ng pagtapak mo sa upos ng iyong sigarilyo? ang lahat ba ng ala-ala natin ay sumama na sa hangin gaya ng usok na ibinuga mo? noong tayo pa, ilang sigarilyo o kaha ang natikman mo? 

[benthemetaphor]

How I will speak to myself 50 years later

soon we’ll perish and maybe our graves will be on the same cemetery where some of our ancestors are laid upon the grass that fate made. indeed, our names will be forgotten, but our devoted labors won’t be buried along with our rotten corpse. all memories of the past, from your first romantic kiss at high school, your ferocious and rational opinion about same sex marriage during a debate in college, receiving your masters degree diploma from stanford, down to your last words saying “i had lived, but never had a life” will always be remembered by the people who are always there through thick and thin. 

[benthemetaphor]

i miss the other half of ben

the one who spends a lot of time reading rants from different pinoy bloggers or maybe replaying the humorous  and foreign video blogs of oakley, butler and jacksgap twins. the one who always take photos with friends that will soon turn into just memories. the one who always write journals about what happened on the day he never fake a smile nor a laughter and always ending up by sticking some trashes that for him are gold (such as the candy wrappers from his crush, or maybe letters, flowers etc.) the one who always listen indie record labels inside his room, all dark and all alone. the one who go to the movie house, libraries, museums and parks. the one who has ocd and despite of not believing in any superstitions, he has mantras that will surely close his day as a normal yet promising one. the one who is writing this annoying post without considering what might others say. 

meanwhile, the other half of ben enjoys on what’s around. he actually has never been happier than before. he might not be watching or reading harry potter, or oakley and butler’s posts but still, he prefer to watch real comic internet sensations that can be actually seen in public areas such as malls, railways and etc. he might not be capturing memories but  he now click his camera when he sees anything bizarre and magnificent caught by his own eye that others might see as ordinary butterfly completing the process of pollination, or a child left by his guardian in the street or something heart-aching but worth telling. he might not be collecting trashes but still he keep his hands all day to his personal blog. the other half also can’t also resist the ocd thing but i’m pretty sure, he is handling it well that no one can be hurt or abuse. and the other half is also posting this kind of non sense post.

the halves have silver linings, i’m pretty sure that they will act as one. in the right time,the right places and with right chances. 

[benthemetaphor]

how could i give back?

to be honest, every time i pray when i woke up, one of the things that i repeatedly ask is the security of our future (well i’m not that too selfish for not to include all of my love ones especially my sisters). indeed, i always look forward even if i’m still bounded by the word ‘today’. 

i consistently wish to the supreme being that i will soon have the finer things in life. the stuffs that will make our lives better than before. to be concrete, life goals such as family car at 25, payed house mortgage at 30, financial security, educational insurance for my nephews and rocel, master’s degree in ust or up  at mid 30′s and trip around the country or to be fortunate, the globe at 40′s.

so what’s my plan? after i receive my bachelor’s diploma, i wanted to get a decent job (of course) that would be a great start for my savings. maybe, i’ll apply on summit media (particularly in cosmo, candy or k-zone/totally girl). the kind of job that would not be all about ‘stress due to political issues all around the philippines’. yep, i might be playing on my comfort zone because it’s all about how girls should deal with their make ups during prom or how to unlove your best friend or maybe about the last awkward sexual intercourse with your professor during college. or might be the one who reviews another erotic book of james that deals with a lot of sadomasochism.

i may not be the kind of writer who deals on how the world should go turn despite of the political propagandas, news blocks and conspiracies and etc. i might be on the so called ‘conspiracy side’ that all of the GREAT writers said that makes a lot of people stupid (but i guess being blinded by the mass media is a choice of every human being). i might be the one who only blend in the hype and i might be wearing floral shirts and nike roshe but i’m sure what i just entered.

so what should i really do? with all those plans, kakayanin ko kaya? i mean, yep, can i? i am still bounded by the word ‘today’. but right now, i should do the stuffs in order to have those shining life goals

[benthemetaphor]

3-2

yes, i’ve been hanging out with some sort of ‘bitchy’, weird, and catastrophic circle of friends right now. they are the type of human being whom you would see laughing at each others flaws at the crowd, murmuring on bizarre things around them and trying to deal with all the shit holes of  today’s crappy generation, whispering and spotting totally handsome and pretty girls in town (but most especially in our university, lol), thrift shopping, and simply eating on street foods without any doubt of what other’s might say. yes, they don’t have much iq than the sort of friends that i have before. they don’t romanticize a lot on the things that they have watched or read in bunch of modern literature. they don’t apply the standards of the society. they’re loud but kind. slut yet real. they are genuine, honest and sometimes a little but absurd. but the thing i love the most to them is that they love silver linings. i mean they patronize them. they are full of hopes and confidence even though there’s no light on the road full of thunders and storm. they may be some sort of  poetry, sunflowers and novels but they are not the self centered ones whom much prefer fiction than reality. yes, they are realest. and i am starting to love the whole new world i began to walk in.