Dear Dad,
Your wife has done everything for you, and you take credit for the things she puts effort into. You are a representation of what younger generations are trying not to be as men, and you don't really see that.
I'm sad for the times I got angrier with Mom than you. That's not cool, and it's not fair to her. She did most of the hard work. You were along for the ride. You did the part you liked, typically (e.g. driving). She did all of the planning.
I believe her when she says she loves me.
I believe she is afraid of you, and that's why she sides with you. "Love" is not the same thing as "fear". You've just known each other longer and had poor examples of friends to guide you through life.
You especially. Your friends have been arguably insane.
You never told my mom how beautiful she is. You never tell her what an amazing person she is, how smart she is, and how talented she is. I've always been angry with you for that as an adult. I wish you had planned things for her, saved money, and showed her the world.
She was not "low maintenance" just because she gave up on the idea of being intentionally cared for.
You do not get to take credit for every present she ever gave me. That was her money, not yours. You like to play Big Man when she was the breadwinner the entire time. You wasted your inheritance on toys (guns, gambling, and porn).
Don't pretend that I'm lying when you know I'm not.
You needed to get REAL HELP and you pretended to be fine.
Your eyes were looking glazed over, and she and I were the only ones trying to get you help. You just sat there and pouted. Your dad would not be proud. You have time to turn shit around.
Get on disability and help your fucking wife before you leave this world.
That's what your dad would tell you if he lived long enough to. You have outlived both your own father and hers, and THIS is what you're doing with that time.
You have time to turn things around for her. She deserves that.
You're not the dad I remember who showed me the songs he loved. Remember how much you liked "Vultures" by John Mayer? Remember how much you liked "You Got the Music In You" by the New Radicals? What the fuck happened? Where did that guy go? I'm not going to scream, "THIS IS MY FATHER" because you're not acting like the man who loved music and bought me my first guitar. I'll always miss that guy. I don't know when he left.
I don't blame you for breaking down. Everything else before that wasn't great, and you don't admit it. You were deteriorating over time and becoming more proud of me, but more ashamed of yourself. That was never my fault, nor my mother's fault.
Sincerely,
Lindsay Keiko Shimizu
PS. You're not with your white friends in the 1970's and 1980's anymore. Please don't ever tell another racist joke again, to anyone. Get real help while you still can. Or honestly, just take naps. You were harmless at least when you are sleeping. Please leave me alone, you scare me. Do not stalk me. Do not try to act like you're in possession of me when you didn't help your wife raise me. You babysat me. You are not allowed to get angry, then attack me. I hope you fucking realize that. Is that what a strong, mature man does? Or does a strong, mature, trustworthy man THINK ABOUT HIS ACTIONS AND CONSEQUENCES? You tell me. A child seeks revenge the way you do, then will scream, "THAT'S MY TOY!" the way you screamed, "THIS IS MY DAUGHTER."
If you're not going to play with your old hockey cards, your guns (which you should not own and be allowed to have), please sell them and help your wife. Finally sell your damn motorcycle. You have an entire toy collection and you're like a child who doesn't want to part with useless things. PLEASE SELL THEM AND HELP YOUR DAMN WIFE. Remember how your own mother suffered and wasted time managing finances because your own dad was irresponsible? Did you forget? You can change that for your own family but you are repeating his mistakes.
Face your insecurities. Why can't you leave the house without a hat? Because you've become very insecure about losing hair. That's ridiculous to me. Of course you'd lose hair, you're almost 80 years old. You are still clinging to a youth you DO NOT HAVE. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO AGE GRACEFULLY, NOT CRAZILY. MAKE YOUR CHOICE NOW BEFORE IT GETS WORSE FOR YOU. CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS. CREATE A DAMN BLOG INSTEAD OF DO WHAT YOU DO.
Why are you up on the backroom computer from midnight until the sun comes up? What are you doing back there?
Can anyone help me out with this guy? Obviously my Aunt doesn't care about him. She would know what he does at odd hours and would be concerned, and would get him help if she loved him. She uses him for free labor, when she's filthy rich and should pay for those services. Is this the ONLY thing you ever sit down and read? I'm creeped out by my own father. I'm afraid of my father, and it still won't stop me from telling the truth about our situation. Someone should.
You know what I told my therapist and psychiatrist about you? That 99% of the time, you were a good man.
