“Ohh, is that what you’re doing here? Having a pity party then?” He raises a brow as he settles his arms over his chest, rocking back onto his heels. “I figured you might have just done a little bit too much celebrating there, or had a few too many with the guys. ...Or girls.” Shoulders lift into a nonchalant shrug, “I ain’t here to judge. I don’t know you and honestly I don’t give a fuck.” He smiles despite the slightly harsh words, but at least he was honest!
“I’m sure the wildlife would have gotta too curious to keep their distance at some point if you had passed out for longer...free meal, right? That’s hard to pass up.” He grins before giving a shake of his head, “And thanks for the offer, but who says I need to talk about anything to clear my head? Plus I’m not in the habit of spilling things to hungover strangers, no offense to you. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead or going to die.”
Xanelen slams a fist down hard against the table, "YOU DON'T GET TO DECIDE THAT!" He took a deep breath before smoothing a hand over his vest and returning to his inside voice, "You were always good enough and I told you that. You left me...twice you left me now. Do you know how that makes me feel?! -I- feel like I'm the one not good enough because I was SO easy to leave when I needed you the most!” He wasn't planning on yelling at first, yet he couldn’t seem to stop himself.
"You had what you needed! I-I was in the way!" Vhaelen spoke hurriedly after the fists had slammed on the table, wincing slightly, "...I know what you told me. My head saw one thing, even though I knew better..." Vhaelen looked across the desk at the male, eyes pained but he held his ground, "...You...should know better than to believe that. You are loved...and--" As the mention of what happened nigh on half a year ago came about, Vhaelen shook his head, "I would have given anything to keep you safe...I trusted Meryn to do that...he...he's what you need."
With his nails biting into the flesh of his palms, his fists began to shake as he clenched his jaw before rounding his desk to get closer to the other man. "You were NEVER in the way. I never said that, I never implied that....EVER. I told you over and over that I needed you, that I wanted you to be there. Stop with this bullshit of 'I'm not what you needed'...that's -crap-. You made me feel unwanted and never have I felt so unloved than being left twice by a man that claimed he loved me. You made me feel like -nothing- by doing that."
Swallowing, Vhaelen tracked Xanelen's movement around the desk; eyes dropping to the shaking fists before they flitted back to the male's angered face, "Never said you were t'blame, Xan. I know I'm the screw up here...but don't ever -ever- assume for one MOMENT that anything I did was to make you feel unloved. -Ever-, and if you think I'm -that- much of a --" Vhaelen stopped himself; he reined in his anger and gritted his teeth, "...you're right. There's no excuse..." Vhaelen didn't want to fight with him; he didn't have the strength to, not Xanelen...or Meryn. "No more martyr, Xanelen. I was a shit. An insecure asshole. I fucked up, but never once did I stop to consider --" He trailed off once more, “ -- you know better than that. That you're unloved. Tell me you know better."
"That's how I felt and you can't tell me that's not how I should have felt. Someone I loved, the FIRST person I ever told that I love leaves me...twice. After he tells me that he'll always be there for me. How am I supposed to take that? Tell me, because all I could come up with is that it was all a lie. You don't leave the people you love, that's not how love works." He turns to go back to his desk, pressing his fists to it as he keeps his back to the man, "You're not a martyr Vhaelen. You never were. But I'll accept that you were an insecure asshole...just...no more of these other excuses."
"Hasn't changed, Xan. I'll always be there...nothing would stop me from coming back, except you. I didn't come back to..." He exhaled slowly, loudly, through his nose, "...I didn't come back to disrupt what you have now. M'not gonna be that selfish anymore. But it wasn't a lie." His voice was firm and he took a step forward, but stopped, "...s'not a lie. Wasn't a lie. ISN'T a lie...." He's careful as he approaches, and stands just over his right shoulder, "...that's a reason but not an excuse. No excuse for my choices...and I'm sorry..."
Xanelen tenses up as Vhaelen moves in closer, closing his eyes as he digs his fingertips into his palms once more. "I'm not going to ever understand why you left. Either time. And it's always going to hurt because I'll never really know." He opens his misty eyes and looks over to Vhaelen, "We could've been happy, you and I...even the three of us...." He sighs, reaching up to wipe his eyes with the back of his hands, "What did you come to get anyways?"
Vhaelen had to swallow past the lump in his throat as he watched Xanelen. Eyes closing, he spoke, "I have no doubt you would have made me happy...you both...would have. If...you ever believe anything, trust that I love you." A hand reached up to tentatively wipe a tear away, but he stopped himself, "...and him." He moved to take a step back, to put distance between them before speaking, "...medicine. For the refugees. Scarlet Fever...three children, and one adult."
He gives Vhaelen a bit of a skeptical look. "Well...I didn't feel very loved when you disappeared. Then when you sent me a birthday gift, it felt like a fucking punch to the face. In fact, I might have preferred a punch to the face, at least I could heal that with the Light. Can't mend a broken heart with it." He moves over to his cabinet, unlocking it before digging around to pull out a few vials, placing them in a small bag and holding it out towards Vhaelen.
He takes the bag and vials, slowly catching the other male's hand, "...then do it. Punch me." Vhaelen was sure he sounded crazy, but if that's what he needed and what Meryn would need, then fuck, let'em at it. "...I'm sorry the gift wasn't-" He exhaled, "...hit me, and I'll go. I won't...I won't do this again...show up. Mira just asked me t'go somewhere I trusted...first place I thought of was here. You. Say th' word, an' I'll send th' Captain instead...."
Xanelen jerked his hand away suddenly and violently, causing him to stumble back and trip over the leg of his desk before landing on his rear. "I'm not going to punch you. That isn't going to solve a -damn- thing. It won't make me feel better and like hell I'm going to lessen any mental anguish you’re feeling with physical pain instead. Nahh, you get to feel this fully. You broke my heart, Vhaelen. You broke it twice...in a devastating manner. The one person you never wanted to hurt and you've hurt more than anyone else. I hope you feel like shit, because I sure have."
He left shortly afterwards, there was nothing more to say at that point. Second chances had come and gone and even though a part of him wanted to tell Vhaelen to stay, he knew better. It was the first time he had seen the man since he left during the events of the faceless, of course it was going to sting but perhaps it would get better over time.
At least he was alive.
Meryn came in shortly afterwards and offered the Doctor anything he needed, even if what he needed was space. With Meryn there, it wasn’t quite as painful as it could have been. He was happy and loved and knew the man would never leave him. Silently he hoped that Vhaelen could find his own happiness one of these days, but it would not be with him.
