‘ i dream of saying to you all the words i held inside until it was too late. ’
Too late is not enough , almost is not what he wants , could have been is unacceptable. — but what is he to do ? Liu Qingge is talking about too late , all while Shen Qingqiu doesn’t really completely understand what’s happening. ( but it feels like he’s being left behind , or let go , and that’s more frightening than jumping into the jaws of danger. )
Of the nonsensical things that’s happened , the only constant was that he could always count on Liu Qingge being half a step behind.
For once , he reaches out and grabs Liu Qingge to stop him from leaving.
It’s one of those times where he acts without thinking , and now he has Liu Qingge’s hand in his own.
cool. cool. cool , he thinks. ok. ok. ok.
He doesn’t know what to do with the surprisingly comfortable weight in his own hands ; that solid warm presence , so he stares at the hand in his own instead , willing away the heat spreading throughout his face. His thumb lands against Liu Qingge’s pulse , and he feels that steady thump ; he’s alive , I’m alive , we’re alive. — and this in so many ways is realer than his original life.
“It’s not ,” he says , gently pulling Liu Qingge towards himself , “ too late. ” Too late is when you’re dying and there’s no point to anything anymore. When you spend the rest of your days being mediocre , because that’s what you’ve always been , and there’s not enough time to be more. He simply won’t allow anymore too lates , even if he makes a fool of himself , and reads the whole situation wrong. “ I’m listening, ” he coaxes gently , “ I don’t want this ” and he gestures between them “ to only be a dream. ”
Whether he means whatever they have , or this existence in this tangible , yet incomprehensible world , he doesn’t quite know either.
“ — and if these words can not be said just yet, ” he murmurs using his most understanding teacher voice. It’s difficult , really difficult to understand this weight in his chest. He doesn’t know if Liu Qingge is fairing any better. “ Then please , will Liu-shidi join me for some tea ? We can figure this out together. ” His grip finally relaxes , “ We have time. ”
“ I have time, ” he marvels at being able say that , even now , “ I want to stay. ”