Temptation of the Arcane
If I were to give up my humanity to have a body without pain and a mind without emotions I would give up my heartbeat. There is nothing of my person that I wouldn’t trade, because no action fuelled by my emotions ever left a good result. I am flawed, I am broken both beyond repair. You might see my flaws as beautiful, but they cause me endless pain. I never feared losing myself, because I am not attached to who I was. But who I could be is a distant dream I reach for. It is easier to dream yourself into a god, than to accept your own reflection. And I will try to improve myself until I am whole, instead of the husk I have created out of myself.
I live in distance from myself, no longer attached to the outside. I can see a thousand faces looking back in the mirror except for my own. I can see clearly but none of what I see will matter to my memories. This puppet I am moving is still surviving, after all this time it still is. There will never be a place for me to rest, except for continued movement until I can finally reach eternity. The numbness has overtaken me and I cannot see if a face looks at me with anger or affection. All I know is that I don’t want to go back to becoming human. I know I am running, but running I shall because I have been trapped by these broken legs for too long. I don’t want to know the person I am, I want to be the person I could be. And in this solitude I find company, knowing that at least I will never be broken again.
I sometimes catch myself taking back my body, but with every tear and every laugh I open up a crack. An old wound that can be hurt again. More pain to overshadow the process of healing. And a body that falters after doing the right thing. I cannot live with myself, all I hope for is that I can improve other peoples lives. Because I seem to be an expert at making myself miserable.