I Was Never Alone
It's been weeks since this realization happened. I was once again in a dark moment. I am a 27 year old woman, resigned from a job, and broke. I was in an existential crisis. I questioned my life and how I am nearing the dreadful 30, I felt that I've achieved nothing in my life. And so, I dropped whatever it was that I was trying to achieve, which was setting up a business and finishing an animation project. I don’t know what exactly I was thinking but I ended up expressing myself through visual arts. I found myself bringing out my paints and paintbrushes and started on working on some portraits. I started with a trio of portraits of beloved characters from musical films, then I moved to creating my own concepts.
In one of those concepts, I wanted to do a horror-type painting of a ghostly woman looking eerily at the viewer.
I guess I wanted to express my depression. It took me several attempts to pull it off but none succeeded. And so I ended up doing something of a vintage portrait of a Japanese woman.
Feeling defeated but unwilling to give up, I wanted to give it another try. But the next attempt would never happen. After a fight with my significant other, I isolated myself in my brother’s bedroom, which he no longer uses. I wanted to be alone and, I guess, wallow in my own misery. I brought my art materials with me, because it was the only thing that could help me through the situation at the time. There, I thought about starting my third or fourth attempt at my horror painting.
Oddly enough the horror turned into divine. Instead of doing a portrait of a ghoulish woman, I ended up making a portrait of Our Lady of Sorrows. I didn’t really know why but I had this itch in my hand that I should make a portrait of Our Lady. I’ve always admired her for her obedience and faith to the Lord but I was rather inconsistent with my devotions to her.
The painting is a bit bigger than an A4 size paper and I used acrylic paints to paint it. I was rather astonished at the work that I did. It was and is beautiful. And as I looked into the painting, a feeling came over me that Our Lady was empathizing with me. From then on, my faith has been re-ignited.
I realized that for every moment that I thought I had no one, there has always been someone up there sharing the pain with me. And even better, I had this understanding that sufferings happen not because God wants to punish us, but because they are essential to our growth as a person. I’d like to think that as I go through challenges, Our Lady and Jesus are with me every step of the pain and helping me get through it. I think they wouldn’t intervene with the will of God the Father but comfort is what they can give to us.