Why we stopped dating: annoying laugh, annoying dog
Here is a list of all the awkward things that happened on this virtual date:
I asked this guy out after weeks of a very slow-rolling (1-2 messages a day) conversation as a form of “shit or get off the pot.” I probably should have just gotten off the pot instead of shitting.
His response: “and see your beautiful eyes on the screen? Yes please.” Ugh. I know he’s trying to flirt and tell me he finds me attractive, but it just came off as pathetic that he had to wait for me to ask him out before he felt confident enough to try to flirt.
Getting the date set up didn’t go smoothly, either, because I had to make two attempts to find a compatible platform. FaceTime didn’t work because he's on Android, so I invited him to a Google Hangout. For some reason he also needed to install the app on his phone; not sure why he didn’t just use a web browser as I was doing. So what I’m saying is: not a very sexy start to a date. Maybe I should start using WhatsApp?
His dog, a pitbull, was very needy. He’d pet the dog by rubbing it vigorously along its face or curling his fingers along its flank. Sometimes the dog would look like it wanted to get off the couch but my date would hold it by the collar. Seemed a bit codependent.
Laughing with a giggle ending in “so…”
He asked me “how my shomer shabbos was.” Oh God. Shomer shabbos means you keep or observe the sabbath. He meant to ask how my shabbos was. Gevalt. Yes, he is technically Jewish, yes, he was trying, but somehow it’s worse than a non-Jew who just doesn’t know a thing about it.
He tried to tell me about discovering his friend is a Trump supporter, which is interesting! You don’t get many of those out in these parts. But the way he told it left a lot of details unclear. I kept trying to ask clarifying questions, but he didn’t seem to be answering them in his responses.
Just to wrap things up nicely here-- the best thing about this date was the actual shitting. About 15 minutes before our date was to start, I took a massive dump. I’m so glad I could just do that rather than worrying about using the bathroom while I’m on the bus or in some slimy bar. None of that awkward you-can’t-walk-me-out-yet-I-have-to-pee drama. Have you ever tried to hover over a wet toilet seat while you’re in heels? I do not miss that!