Returned Vases and Haircuts
The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don't let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”
When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.
That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom passed away, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and in many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing.
Most recently, I’ve been losing my hair. It’s been hard.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer I was prepared to lose my hair. Weeks of chemo went by and my hair stayed in. Months of chemo went by and my hair stayed in. A year of chemo went by and my hair stayed in. “I’m invincible to hair loss!” my heart cheered.
I had long, golden locks that (when I washed and dried it) could’ve made a Disney princess jealous.
In late October I began losing a fist full of hair a day. I decided to add some new hair growth vitamins to my daily pill regimen. In November I lost a fist full of hair about five times a day.
“I’m not invincible,” my heart cried. My eyes cried. My hair looked stringy and thin.
I had five inches cut off my hair. I thought it still looked stringy. More hair fell out. I had another three inches cut off my hair. I didn’t like the style. I tried wearing bandanas but they made my head too hot.
I cut off another three inches. I still don’t like it, but I’m resolved to live with it for a couple months before deciding if I should cut it again.
At this point, the hair loss has slowed down but not stopped. I have visible bald spots. Headbands and my Warriors 2017 NBA champion ball cap are my new best friends (and after June I’ll add my 2018 Warriors NBA champion ball cap to that list). I’ve been learning again to trust God through loss.
Some friends have tried to encourage me by saying it looks good. Those people are nice, but I don’t agree. Not only that, this haircut is not because I wanted to cut my hair; it’s because the drugs I have to take to stay alive have caused me to start balding. Some friends have tried to encourage me by saying, “It’s just hair, it will grow back.” And that’s true for most people. But my doctors say I’ll be on chemo the rest of my life. If they are right, my hair might not grow back.
I feel like hair loss shouldn’t be as painful as it has been, but it makes me pretty sad. When I think about and see this haircut the severity of my disease comes to the forefront of my mind. It shows I’m not invincible.
When I have focused on this, it’s been discouraging. When I focus on the limitations of what I can actually control in my life and the world around me, it’s been discouraging. Yet, I know that my God is in control, and that’s encouraging. I know that He is invincible.
I’m not sure why I have cancer. I’m not sure why my hair fell out after a year and a half of chemo. I’m not sure if my hair will grow back. I am sure that I can learn something from this. Maybe it’s simply to rely on Him and not myself. I’m seeing more clearly that I can’t be my own God. I’m not able to do what I need God to do. I have to rely on Him. I have to trust what He does, even when it hurts. My situations change. I go through gains and losses. My emotions and relationships have highs and lows. Just as quickly as my hair fell out, the Holy Spirit speaks,“Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here to look at your hair. Instead, look at Me. I am the same whether or not your hair is long, thick, and shiny or thin and stringy. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that hair.” I want to respond, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” My heart isn’t there yet, but it’s open and I’m saying to myself, “Why so downcast oh my soul, put your hope in God.” I think God can take my openness and set my heart where it needs to be.
My God never changes; He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. His goodness isn’t lessened by my circumstances. It’s in His stability that I have joy, peace, and confidence. Just as my fellow teacher in Haiti brought my vase back and said, “Does this belong to you?” God walks into a place where I’m feeling robbed, restores my hope, and says “This belongs to you.”
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Things I’ve Tried to Prevent Hair-loss:
Prayer
Biotin
Nioxin Shampoo and Conditioner
Just Naturals Bald Spot Treatment Cream
Just Naturals Hair Growth Oil
Bosley Shampoo and Conditioner
Bosley Treatment Foam
Bhringraj Oil
Castor Oil
Viviscal Vitamins
Viviscal Shampoo and Conditioner
A few other products that I forget the names of right now
Combing my hair no more than once a week.
Wearing it in a ponytail
Wearing it down
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General Health Update:
My CEA level continues to decrease
I get CT scans next week to measure the tumors
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Things Encouraging Me This Week:
My pastor’s sermon this past week was really in line with how I’ve been processing loss. Maybe it would encourage you too.
Fred Hammond, Blessed
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Question For You:
What losses have you dealt with and how did you find hope through those loses? I really want to know, so hit me up.
01.20.18
