That time I wrote the most boring stage play ever.
Lights come up.  Paco stands center stage, shivering.  Heâs wearing a red track jacket, jeans, and a red and white hat  He stares out through the audience, not at it, looking angry.  He will look this way for most of the scene.  There are sounds of heavy rain, and Paco periodically tugs part of his wet clothes away from his body.  Garret enters from up right holding an open umbrella over his head.  His shoes are wet and so are the bottoms of his designer jeans, but he is otherwise dry.  He approaches Paco and stands beside him, holding the umbrella over both of them.  He looks out through the audience.
Paco: (Notices the rain is no longer hitting him, looks up at the umbrella, then looks at Garret.) Garret.
Garret: Paco. Â (Pause.) Â You like the rain?
Paco: (Looks out at audience.) Hate it.
Garret: Â Of course. Â (Pause.) You hate everything.
Garret: So if you hate it so much why are you out here in it?
Paco: I canât avoid all the things I hate.
Garret: Right. Â (Pause.) Why do you hate it so much?
Paco: Â (Pause.) Â Well, thatâs you.
Garret: Yeah. Â Thatâs me.
Paco: (Pause.) Â You like it so much, whatâs with the umbrella?
Garret: Yeah. Â I saw you through the window.
Paco: And you brought me an umbrella.
Paco: You came out for me, but you were inside. Â If you like the rain so much why werenât you out here?
Garret: (Lifts a soaked foot.) New shoes.
Paco: (Glances.) Theyâre nice.
Garret: (Puts foot down.) Â No. Â Of course not.
Paco: And theyâre your shoes. Â You think theyâre nice, then theyâre nice.
Paco: No. Â No, the rain isnât nice. Â I donât have to wear your shoes, but I have to be out in your rain.
Garret: You donât have to.
Garret: The rain is nice. Â Itâs a nice change. Â Itâs always so sunny.
Paco: You donât like the sun?
Paco: Then why would you want it to go away?
Garret: Come on, this is third grade stuff. Â If it was sunny all the time everything would be a desert.
Paco: (Pause.) I like the desert.
Garret: You like the desert.
Paco: Yeah. Â (Pause.) No. Â (Pause.) I hate it.
Garret: You hate everything.
Long pause. Â Paco looks up at the umbrella. Garret looks down at his shoes.
Paco: Â You know anything about primates?
Garret: (Looks over at Paco. Pause.) I know a bitâŚ.
Paco: Â (Looks at the audience.) Itâs generally accepted that gorillas are smarter than orangutans, right?
Garret: (Confused.) Yeah, I guessâŚ.
Paco: So youâve got an orangutan and youâve got a gorilla and you put them both out in the rain, okay?
Garret: (Relieved that thereâs a connection. Â Looks out towards audience.) Okay.
Paco: Okay. Â So theyâre in the rain. Â The orangutan takes a huge leaf, covers his head with it, stays dry. Â The gorilla sits there. Â Just sits there! Â In the rain, and he gets soaked. (Pause.) Â Why do you think that is?
Garret: Does the gorilla like the rain?
Paco: (Shakes his head vehemently) Â No. Â No no no no, he hates it. Â You can see it in his face. Â Heâs miserable. Â He hates it.
Garret: He hates everything.
Paco: No. Â Just the rain.
Garret: (Pauses.  Thinks.)  WellâŚ. Two options.  One, he likes being miserable.  Two, he thinks he has to be miserable.  I donât mean he thinks thereâs no way to not be miserable.  I mean, he knows there are ways, but he thinks he shouldnât use them.  He thinks the rain is there for a reason, that reason is to make him miserable, so he should sit out in the rain and be miserable, because who is he to say if he should be miserable or not?
Long pause. Â Paco looks up at the umbrella. Â Looks back out at audience.
Garret: Well? Â Am I right?
Paco: How the hell should I know? Â Iâm not a damn gorilla. Â (Pause.) I hate gorillas.
Paco: (Nods slowly.) And the desert.
Paco: And- (Pause.) Orangutans.
Garret: (Firmly.) And me.
Paco: (Pause.). No. Â (Pause.) Not you.
Garret: (Pause.) Donât stay out here too long.
Garret: Iâll be inside.
Garret: (Puts the umbrella in Pacoâs hand. Â Looks at him for a moment, then hurries off stage the way he came, ducking his head.)
Paco: Damn rain. Â (Lowers umbrella and closes it, stands staring out at the audience.)