It comes in waves now, which is good (I think), but it doesn't get any better. The feeling of neverending, impending doom, that everyone and everything I care about is going to be taken from me and destroyed. I'm going to lose all of the things I've rebuilt because I'm constantly attracting trouble and bad luck to the people I care about, because he is going to come back for me and tear everything down in his path.
I still get nightmares about this happening, and they're always the same. He shows up on their doorstep, asking for me in the way that he talks to everyone— lying through his teeth with a calm voice and good intentions— and they refuse to provide an answer, unwilling to give me up for the good of themselves. Then he hurts them, making me watch, not stopping no matter how hard I scream and beg.
Then he makes me hurt her.
It's a punishment. For running off and hiding, assuming he was dead and never coming back, moving on and trying to make something of my worthless, pathetic excuse for a life.
And it's the worst pain I've ever felt in my chest, hearing her be in so much agony.