#vott

[blindlybabbling]

I guess I’ve just become a new kind of basic

How strange

I uh. Kinda wanna kill myself more now?

Like I knew I wasn’t special. Fucking duh. But. I guess I’m just another cookie cutter but even worse bc I’m a broke and lame depressed one so I can’t even accomplish what I want to

Gah the more I talk to people the more I hate them.

If I wasn’t so fucking horny things would be fine

I could just avoid all people forever.

But sexual desire is a thing and fuck I’m always craving it. Once a week just isn’t enough.

But I guess my life is always gonna suck unless I start the drugs again (oh hush, pharma drugs. The legal ones)

I hope things work out with some of these poly people. The men are meh but I’ll take it for the attention. And their women are bangin so there’s a little hope. There’s one chick who does shibari ties and I sooo wanna get in on that.

Speaking of Shibari, tried to get vott into it, but apparently he’s a bottom. So there goes that. But meh maybe a new partner.

One of his friends suggested I “dominate” him to “get [my] power back” but meh I can’t top him and if I tie him I’m just gonna do it to get him to stop pestering me. He thought I’d want to peg him! Uh. No. But thanks I guess. He was really worried about it and like, all the more reason why I couldn’t do it. Doing a bad doesn’t erase a bad. No to “get my power back” I want him to tie me up, I want him to take 100% control where I can’t fight it. And I want him to hold me and caress me and kiss me. I want his total respect. And then he can have whatever he wants. I can’t take control of a situation where the other person is so much stronger than me, AND not willing to go easy, AND someone I can’t hurt. Having someone semi-willingly submit to me does nothing but knowing that I can let someone take control like that and they won’t harm me? That actually matters. Anyone who wants to can take over and do whatever they want. I want someone who wants to be kind

[blindlybabbling]

When discussing alternative income with Vott, he expressed he was fine with me doing porn, saying specifically that I should do gang bang porn.

And in the same conversation said that if I ever got paid for sex he’d feel like he was dating a prostitute

He needs to spend some time evaluating his judgements on shit

[blindlybabbling]

Lindsey and Irene are poly ish

At the sleepover I went to over the weekend,

We discussed how one chick thought we were collectively swingers!

And later Irene admitted that Lindsey has a crush on me

Lindsey confirmed this when he asked vott if he could talk to me /implied flirt with me

He’s hot, but a little rude. But like ehh the sex might be good so here’s to hopin!

Plus I’m aokay being with Irene and Lindsey a lot because they’re both HOT

[blindlybabbling]

I swear to fuck if anyone tells me I’m just “afraid to heal”... I guess my “trauma” really is “my entire identity” now.

[blindlybabbling]

My dad wants to up what Vott pays for “us” to live with him. He currently pays half, to account for the both of us, and the fact that I wouldn’t have to pay rent if he didn’t live here

Well. All we really have access to is the bedroom and one bathroom. And kiiiiiinda the kitchen. Master bedroom / bathroom / closet is his, office is his, garage is 90% his, living room is ENTIRELY his and his nasty ass dog’s. Kitchen he reigns king over, god forbid someone cook something for only themselves, except him. He can cook whatever he wants for only himself but if I do so much as make brownies ONCE he gets PISSED when he doesn’t get “some” which means like half.

So, this just solidifies vott and I moving out. Shit with what he’s paying now we could have an apartment to ourselves. The only flaw is dad is also how he earns the money. Soooo gotta disconnect the two before I can disconnect the two, yanno?

Really I gotta get a job too. But to do that I gotta get pills. But to do that... ugh. So much work.

Both have to happen. Gotta get some kind of “plan”

My only plan is, I’m gonna fucking kill myself if I stay in this abusive bullshit. Sooooo I gotta get out? I guess.

I had a like 2 hour panic attack today. While vott visibly got upset at me for it, and then ignored me for most, then got upset when it was time for him to go to bed and I was still having the panic attack.

Shit sucks.

[blindlybabbling]

Discussing apartment shopping with vott

This is pretty nice actually

[blindlybabbling]

So I didn’t think that me having different ideal types of men meant polyamory and that I was hunting down specific men

But I may or may not be hunting down specific men?

Aka finding them on accident....

But like. Vott, Roman, Renzo ... they all fit different aspects of my ideal men and I just kinda want all of them in some capacity

[blindlybabbling]

I don’t know why he would but I guess vott went through my weed pouch and took my backup stash