Tumblr helps me so much, and sometimes I forget that. Which is why I disappear for months/years at a time. I do love it here though, even when I lament, because it reminds me what I'm fighting for. The life I want to live can be mine, I just have to fight harder.
I start my new job on Monday, and I'm scared. My anxiety is so bad that I can't keep jobs. It's been like this since my very first job at [[whatever years old]]. The dread gets so intense that I end up not going. Like in Office Space, but without the hypnotized cool, I just stop showing up. Or I'll be late every day, or I'll call out when I can gather enough courage to actually talk to someone, which is rare. I have no idea why. I need medication, but I keep avoiding making an appointment. I need to try harder (like that ever works).
I need money. I need to get a place of my own. I need to be able to get groceries without worrying. I need to be able to have the space to relax and celebrate the seasons.
I want a house full of decorations; I want to worry about the number of guests at my dinner party and if I have enough plates, and I want to forget to buy fresh lightbulbs, and I want to rush to make up the guest room when someone needs to crash; I want a yard and a garden and a porch and a big kitchen and a big couch and a big-hearted family of friends to share it all with. I want to cook and bake and blast music and watch movies in my living room.
Maybe it's stupid, but I feel better when I look at all these pretty fall blogs and cozy Christmas blogs and yummy food blogs and all the rest. Because they motivate me in a way that few other things do. Indeed, like no other things do. I guess it's the visual aspect. I see the things I want my life to have and to be, and it isn't just far and faded dreams in my head. Something to look at and picture for myself. Something to reach for. And something to remind me.
One day I will have a house. One day I will put up lights and a tree, or pumpkins on my porch. One day I will bake fresh cookies in my clean kitchen and set pies to cool on my windowsill and hand out full size candy bars on Halloween. God damn it.
